10 Ways to Make Your Scheduled Sex Hot

Hey, you. Yes, you—exhausted, resentful, sexless mom of three, I’m talking to you.

I know. There’s magenta Sharpie on the wall, a 3-inch layer of dog hair on the floor, and you just stepped on something slimy that you think was cheese (you’ll check it later). You haven’t had a haircut (other than when you took the scissors to your own hair) in eight months and your feet are so calloused, you could run the Kentucky Derby and no one would look twice. Every part of that is true.

But we need to talk about just one thing: the sexless part. Keep reading.

This is going to be a tough-love intervention. You know the show—a family helps a loved one who is near death because they’re addicted to some substance by offering rehab in a make-it or break-it moment? In this scenario, you are the addict and the substance is excuses. I am the interventionist. This is your chance.

Excuses are keeping you from long-term happiness and a successful relationship with your partner. They are preventing you from feeling happy.

I know what it feels like to be covered in what you assume is baby spit up and to have your underwear be held up by the crotch of your pants because they’ve lost all elasticity. I know what it feels like to not know the last time you were by yourself. I know what it feels like to forget your name because at some point it was legally changed to, “Where’s My…?” That’s what you answer to now.

But there is a cure for all of this. You don’t have to get on a plane to a facility in Florida, leaving your loved ones behind (even if that’s what you secretly want to do).

The fix? Sex.

You know how when you’re on the plane and the flight attendant explains that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping another passenger?

Sex is the oxygen mask for your marriage. Your well-being and your relationship depend upon it.

Look, I’m not saying it has to be perfect sex. In fact, it will likely be rushed, occasionally interrupted, a shadow-of-its-former-self sex (though it doesn’t have to be). You need orgasms. You need to connect with your partner. You need to find a way to forget about the dust dogs (they were bunnies at one time) and the laundry currently mildewing in the washing machine. An orgasm and even mediocre sex will do more for you than a bath and a glass of rosé combined. My pediatrician (decidedly not a sex expert) says it best: your kids benefit, first and foremost, from happy parents.

So turn off all those voices in your head that block you from pleasure (“I’m too tired,” “I haven’t lost the baby weight,” “I do EVERYTHING around here”) because you deserve better than what that voice tells you. You. Deserve. Orgasms.

So here’s your rehab: Date nights.

Chances are, your primary excuses for not setting a regular date night is that once you find and pay for a sitter, pay for dinner and a movie, get out the door and back home again, you’re broke and falling asleep. It doesn’t matter; you have to connect with your partner, use each other’s name, ask about Bob in accounting and whether anyone told him to wear deodorant. These little things add up to intimacy.

As your personal interventionist, I’m going to make rehab as easy as possible. I’m going to bring it to you.

Make it an at-home date night. No, it’s not as ideal as getting into something slinky and getting out of the house, but we have to start somewhere. I’ll help you take the first baby steps towards recovery, and I bet once you’ve had a few orgasms, you’ll remember how great they are, and even why you fell for your significant other in the first place.

10 Tips for a Hot-at-Home Date Night

Plan ahead:

Agree to a start time and an activity, and stick to it. Keep it simple—don’t think that making bananas flambé is the key to a successful date here. You can eat chicken fingers. It’s about the sex, not the food.

NO TV/MOVIES:

You will just fall into old patterns and fall asleep (there is one exception: see below).

Keep the fire burning:

Sext each other or call one another throughout the day, teasing each other about how excited you are. Send selfies.

Your date begins the SECOND the kids are asleep:

Baby sleeping on the bed? Guess what, it’s a living room date, so move the pile of laundry off the couch.

Porn!:

New to porn? Not sure how it works? Pick a fantasy and search the internet using key-words. Check the video results. Scroll through. You can do this throughout the day using your phone for privacy. This will get those cold embers in your loins fired up for tonight.

Set the mood:

When the date commences, turn on some music, have a conversation, have a glass of scotch – whatever you need to relax and be in the moment.

Keep a robe handy:

It’s inevitable that one of your kids will wake up. Be ready for a quick fix and fast return to the action.

Lock or block the door:

You know those kids will try to ruin everything. Just do what you can to protect the mood and your privacy

Toys:

Of the grown-up variety. If your brain is wired like mine, turning it off so you can get turned on is a huge challenge in the orgasm department. Finding the right sex toys is a great way to enhance your pleasure, and speed up the process for you. Personally, the Magic Wand has never failed in my bedroom.

Pillow talk:

Be sure to keep the intimacy fires burning by cuddling, talking and laughing together post-coitus. It will help you remember why you’re together, and keep you coming back for more. Use this time to schedule your next date night.

***

So, no more excuses, and no more saying that scheduling sex isn’t hot. Because when you barely have the time to have sex at all, if you don’t plan it out, you may forget what it’s like.

 

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