Oh, I Want Sexual Spring Cleaning
Ah the refreshing season of spring, when everything feels fresh, new and—dare we say—sexy. As the weather warms and the world blooms with fresh vigor, our primordial nature takes over. Simply put, it’s mating season y’all!
But as the highly evolved species we are, there’s a lot more to the season than just the birds and bees. In fact, most of us will kick off the longer days by spring cleaning our lives. Here at Sex with Emily, we’ve decided to combine these two pastimes to give you a fun guide to spring cleaning your sex life. So open up your windows and dust off your dildos, because it’s time to get your sexual space so fresh and so clean, clean.
First and foremost, get the good vibes going in your bedroom by purifying the energy of your space. Before you scoff at the metaphysical idea of “energy,” I invite you to try a little experiment… find someone you’re very attracted to, get very close to his or her body, bring your mouth close to their mouth…closer. Don’t kiss them. Not yet. Just linger for a few breaths, not touching them or sucking their bottom lip. What you feel there—pulsing through your body and the little pulsations you feel in the sliver of space between their lips and yours—well that’s energy, my friends. Just ask Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
So now you know this is legit, let’s bust out the sage and start the smudging.
For a proper energy cleanse, start by opening your windows. You’ll need a place for the all the stale air and old energy to go. So like a big sigh, let it all out. Burn a little sage (you can usually find a bundle of sage at health food stores), “smudging” the room. Incense can also have a therapeutic effect, as can candles or an aromatherapy diffuser. A new scent can transform the energy of your bedroom. If you’re not about the woo-woo stuff, then just spray some Febreeze—whatever it takes to freshen the air and the vibe.
Next, turn on your favorite tunes, roll up your sleeves and get ready to purge the past.
Specifically, you will be exorcising your past lovers to make space for new sexy partners to come into your life, or to deepen the connection with your current squeeze.
Get rid of anything that immediately stands out to you as a reminder of someone you’re no longer with. Stuffed animals, knick-knacks, gifts from the ex, even that amazing hoody you borrowed and swore you’d give back but never did because it smells like him. Give it back or donate it. For nicer items like watches, jewelry or leather goods, store them away for a year or so. By then you’ll know whether or not the energy of your ex and your feelings for them are still connected to the object or if it’s been neutralized by time.
If you have love letters and photos, you may want to keep them in a shoebox for posterity—unless these photos are nudes, then you have to be cool and destroy them. You may be thinking, “But what if that person gets super famous or runs for president?” Get your good karma points early and burn, tear them up or give them back, making sure to erase and delete any digital evidence (including dirty texts!)
Emotions may arise during this scroll and delete process, perhaps even feelings of arousal (it is spring, for God’s sake). That’s totally normal. Just try to get through all the deleting before taking a masturbation break. Consider this part of the cleansing ritual, you can even say a little “thank you for your love but I no longer need you in my life.”
Now it’s time to head to your sex drawer.
If you don’t have one, then please go to any drawer in your room and throw away everything in it and fill it with sex toys and BDSM stuff. Now you have a sex drawer!
Throw out any toys, accessories and lingerie that remind you of your ex. Butt plugs are almost always the first to go, then nipple clamps, crotchless panties and so on. Luxury toys made with high-quality materials are worth keeping, but should be cleansed with more than just sage and good intentions (I recommend investing in an UVee; it’s the only device designed to thoroughly clean and sanitize your sex toys. Every nook and cranny gets sterilized by UV lights, so your toys emerge feeling brand new!)
Now that you’ve killed all the bacteria, you’ve also cleared the stale energy.
After eliminating the emotionally triggering traces of past lovers, it should be pretty easy to discard the rest of the clutter. If piles of paper have found their way to your dresser, shred that nonsense. If your nightstand looks like a vanity, it’s time to store your cosmetics in the bathroom or at the very least find a stylish storage box. Other debris that can quickly accumulate in the bedroom can be water bottles, medicine cabinet items, or piles of books—find another home for these. Get a classy vase and glass specifically for fresh water in the bedroom.
The biggest clutter offenders are clothes and shoes which seem to find their way to the floor and that one chair no matter what. Consider a clean clothes hamper to place next to your dirty one. If you’re that uncertain if something should be washed or hung up, then there is no shame in having a designated space for this ambiguous pile. And it’s better than a heap of laundry collecting on a chair or the foot of your bed. Or get in the habit of putting them away!
Remove the Electronics
Your bedroom is a sanctuary. You deserve to have a little place in the world unfettered by the constant noise that is TV and Internet. This is your sex haven! Your libido is complicated, and even when the tube clicks off, your arousal might not click on quickly, if at all.
A TV in the bedroom is bad Feng Shui, but really any phosphorescent screen (from your laptop or phone) disturbs your circadian rhythms and confuses your body about when it’s time to relax. In our busy lives, sex is often regulated to the end of the day, when we’re in bed and relaxed. If you’re still getting updates on the latest gossip, crises or a barrage of advertisements, it’s inevitable that your mind and body will be distracted and unavailable to your partner, and you’ll find yourself mentally stimulated by Seth Meyers instead of physically stimulated by your lover.
Eliminating screens in the bedroom also helps with morning sex and afternoon delights because your bedroom will be ordained a special place purely for sex and rest. Every time you enter this sacred space, your body memory will kick in, unconsciously making you feel relaxed and sexy.
There are two schools of thought when it comes to bedroom color theory. One is to go with the considerations of “color therapy,” selecting shades based on their mood associations. Light, neutral tones are considered the most therapeutic; green for fresh and optimistic, yellow for cheerful and red for igniting passion. We suggest looking to these colors as accents before painting your walls or picking out a new duvet to help you create a serene and sexy vibe.
The second philosophy is a bit more in line with our objective of sexing up your bedroom and making it a love nest: choose colors you love! If walls of blush or shell pink give you the feeling of rose colored glasses, go for it. Or perhaps a satin finish charcoal makes you feel 50 shades of sexy by turning your room to an elegant, dark haven. Surround yourself with what you love and you will feel the love.
Make your bed the focal point of your bedroom and make it amazing. Your bed should beckon to you like a Siren’s song, “Take off your clothes and get in me.” Be sure your mattress has the firmness you most prefer. If you can’t get a new mattress, then try a mattress topper—they can make a huge difference.
Once you have the proper foundation, turn your attention to the bedding. Your sheets should be seasonal, so peel off the flannel and switch to light, spring fabrics. Whether you get your sheets from Parachute or Target, there are two important things to look for: First, choose a fabric that feels on your skin. It won’t matter how cute they are or what they cost if they don’t meet the criteria for sensual touch. If they don’t feel nice on your cheek or fingertips, they certainly won’t feel nice on your naked body. The second factor is fit. Saggy or too-tight sheets can make your bed and whole room feel messy and undone. It’s like ill-fitting undergarments; they can ruin the whole outfit.
For the ultimate bedding upgrade, try an arousing linen spray like the DONA Aphrodisiac and Pheromone Spray. The sweet scent entices your senses and as you roll around on freshly spritzed sheets, the product absorbs to your skin for even greater bodily pleasure.
Baby, turn the lights down. When choosing a lighting scheme, be prepared to have a few different lighting looks for your bedroom. As you are cultivating a sexy bedroom space, you will want to have atmospheric accents like candles, small lamps or a dimmer for the ceiling lights so you can change the mood. You might also consider blackout curtains that can help you sleep better and can give you the privacy you need to have oral sex while dangling from your Sportsheets Door Jam Sex Sling.
For morning lighting, figure out how you like the sun to shine on your face and body and position your bed in a way that you can capture those feel-good, first rays of light. Consider your color scheme too, as the two work hand in hand for setting the mood.
Now that you’ve completed your sexy spring cleaning and your bedroom is ready for action, christen your new sacred space with a night of orgasms. Make this the first of a new nightly ritual. Light massage candles, anoint yourself with Agape lubricant, bless a rose quartz and grab your magic wand! Enjoy this night with your partner or on your own. By the morning you’ll wake up in your sanctuary feeling refreshed for spring, ready for yoga and avocado toast. #Goodvibes #Blessed #Namasteinbed