3 Ways That Mindfulness Can Lead to Better Sex

Whatever your sexual inclinations are, introducing mindfulness into your sex life can enrich it in so many ways.

Many people report stronger orgasms when they feel connected to their partners, which is all the incentive we need to explore the benefits of mindfulness on our sex lives.


What Is This Mindfulness Stuff?

The essence of mindfulness is being fully present in the current moment. It is when your body and mind are aligned, instead of having your mind wander off while the body is engaged. We could do a sink full of dishes completely on auto-pilot, barely noticing each plate as it passes through our busy hands. Mind racing, focusing on all the meetings and deadlines, on what’s going on with the kids or our friends. When we do this, we miss out on the simple meditation of daily tasks, as well as all the pleasurable sensations that can accompany them. The hot soapy water feeling soothing on your hands. Perhaps the squeaky sound of a sponge gliding along a perfectly cleaned plate.

One of the biggest challenges when having sex is to turn off the brain, and feel really present. You might be mentally rehashing a conversation with a coworker from earlier in the day, or feeling fixated on the potential for orgasm. But this limits your ability to be aware of the pleasure you’re currently feeling. When we aren’t present, we are not fully embodied and able to embrace the true extent of pleasure available to us. So let’s explore together what some of these practices are, and how can we incorporate them into our sex life to increase our pleasure and orgasmic potential.

You can choose one practice to explore, or work through all three in order, it’s completely up to you. These suggestions work most easily with partnered sex, but the benefits of mindfulness transfer beautifully to masturbation. You can use a mirror in place of a partner for eye gazing, and go really deep into your own sexual identity. There are also specific mindful masturbation techniques that you might enjoy over here. If you have trouble transitioning from your busy day into a slower sensual energy, you might enjoy using Karezza In The Moment Spray for some help.

 


Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Mindful breathing calms the mind, and increases circulation throughout your entire body, as well as to your genitals. When there is an increase in blood flow, there is a delightful increase in sensation and pleasure. This makes taking deep, mindful breaths a wonderful addition to sex.

The breath can be used to bring the awareness back into the body, when the mind inevitably starts to wander. Even the most experienced practitioners of mindfulness experience those sneaky little thoughts slipping through the cracks of their mental calm. It’s important not to analyze these thoughts, or judge yourself for having them. Instead, just calmly observe them as they arise. You might find it helpful to use a visualization. For example, your thought might be a cloud in a clear blue sky, and you can watch it dissolve as you return to your breath.

It’s important to breathe deeply into the belly, not just the ribcage, allowing the breathe to expand your stomach. Then, slowly release it, coming back to the present, and back to the physical sensations in your body. You might also like to engage your senses. What can you see from where you are? Notice the curve of your partners buttock, or the dip of their collarbone. Engage your sense of smell. Can you breathe in your partner’s scent? You might even like to trace your tongue along any inch of skin you can reach, noticing if it’s a little salty or sweet. These sensory practices can powerfully bring you into the pleasures of the present.

There is another way to use breath during partnered sex, which is synchronized breathing. This is when you match your breathing pattern to your partners. You can do this with a clear intent and communication, each trying to support the other in taking deep slow breaths together. You can also simply observe your partner’s breath, and match your own to it. Breath matching is a powerful tool that can increase intimacy and empathy.


Look Into My Soul

Eye gazing is the practice of staring into your lovers eyes, without speaking, for as long as you’d like. The minimum recommended time to get the benefits is 1-3 minutes, though closer to 5-10 is ideal to feel the really powerful effects. At first, many people find this practice awkward. They often feel the urge to laugh or make silly faces. It’s an incredibly intimate practice, and it’s okay to feel vulnerable. Try to breathe through any feelings of discomfort or silliness, and without judging yourself, return to your breath and to your partner’s eye contact.

During eye gazing, it’s common to notice an unintentional synchronization of the breath. As you fall more deeply into connection with your partner, your breathing may begin to matches theirs. This boosts those oxytocin hormones, which helps you feel safe and close to your lover. In turn, many people find that the more secure they feel during sex, the more likely they can receive pleasure.

If your breath doesn’t naturally sync during this practice, that’s okay, too. You can intentionally match your breathing, or just breath naturally and enjoy the eye gazing. Couples often find tears arising during eye gazing. This is completely normal, and wonderful to let them fall without judgement or commentary. Allow the emotional release to flow.


Shared Sex Goals

Whether we plan to or not, we so often go into sex with an intention— one you may not even realize. It might be to feel closer to your partner, to scratch the itch of an orgasm, or to forget about a stressful day. When we have solo sex, whatever our intention is, it can usually be achieved. However, when we have sex with other people, it’s important to be mindful of our intentions, and communicate them to our partners.

Take a few moments before beginning your sexy time to connect with your partner. You might like to begin with some of the breath syncing, eye gazing practices, or dive right in if you prefer. Sitting or lying comfortably together, start a non-judgmental, inquisitive conversation as to what you’d like to get out of your sexual dalliance. Are you hoping to increase intimacy? Focusing on feeling more pleasure? Moving away from goal-oriented sex? Perhaps you’re exploring some anal play for the first time. Any intention is wonderful, as long as you both share in it.

When you have a clear sexual intention, it helps to connect your energies, and even your brainwaves! Now that’s some sexy science.


Your Sexual Presence is a Present.

Hopefully you can utilize the tools in this article to increase your pleasure, deepen your connection with your partner, and heighten your orgasms. Once you’re familiar with these practices you might want to add some extra sensual elements, such as a genital massage with Foria Awaken during eye gazing. Maybe use a hands-free sexy couples toy like Hot Octopuss while practicing your breath syncing for a fun challenge.

Now enough reading, go try some hands-on experiments, and let us know how it goes!


Isabella Frappier is an Australian writer and a holistic Sexuality Doula, who specializes in body literacy and sexual sovereignty. She is also a host on the popular new Sex Magic Podcast. When she’s not busy championing her sex positive agenda, she—oh wait—she’s always busy doing that. Follow her adventures on Instagram.
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