6 Reasons to Quit Faking Orgasms Right Now

Every straight woman I know has faked an orgasm. Some still do!

Girl, stop.

I’ve never been the When-Harry-Met-Sally kind of faker, but I’ve definitely moaned here and there and lied right to a guy’s face as he pealed the condom off and asked me if I came. It’s no surprise women do it, though. We’re raised in a culture that teaches us to revolve our lives entirely around men and their comfort, and sex is no different. Faking it is our way of helping them feel good about themselves– a call of duty if you will. Or it’s a way to not hurt their feelings when we’re tired, over it, or rubbed raw and just want him to get the f*ck off of us. 

The thing is, if you don’t cum and lie about it, consequences usually follow, especially when you’re young. My boyfriend in high school, who I lost my virginity to, actually BROKE UP WITH ME when I admitted I hadn’t had an orgasm yet. “You lied!” he said, then went all Bye Felicia on my ass.

In my defense, I never once moaned, cried yeeeeees, or did much of anything but stare at the ceiling and try not to scream “Your dick is TOO BIG and this f*cking HURTS.” Any guy even the least bit concerned with my orgasm would have noticed I wasn’t super into it. Duh, dude. DUH. But I’d be surprised if any 17-year-old girl back then knew what a proper orgasm felt like. Because this sex positive thing is a pretty new concept, unfortunately.

My generation grew up being slut-shamed like nobody’s business. Hell, I even thought porn and masturbation were wrong. Seeing as though I indulge in both on a daily basis now, clearly I’ve come to my senses. But I don’t blame young women for faking. They’re more vulnerable and inexperienced and are figuring things out. Adult women, on the other hand, really need to cut it out. For many reasons:

 

Your Orgasm is #1:

Your orgasm needs to be the number one priority in bed. Because, unless he’s got some sort of impotency issues going on, the man is almost always going to cum. If you’re like me on the other hand, you most likely won’t, unless you make it the first order of business. Whether it be a tongue or a couple fingers, something better give a lot of attention to your clit (or the zone of your choosing) before any orifices are involved, or it surely won’t be worth the time or gas money. Besides, you should respect yourself enough not to let your vagina be nothing but a stand-in for his hand. That kind of sex is no fun and personally feels gross. Demand your needs be met first and foremost and if he’s not willing do that, bye Philippe!

 

You’re Not Actually Doing Him Any Favors:

There are plenty of selfish dudes out there who really don’t care about anyone’s orgasms but their own, but those aren’t the guys that deserve the time of day. Most guys actually want you to come. In fact, they get off on knowing THEY made you come. Everybody wins when you come! Faking it, on the other hand, is not only bad for you, it’s bad for him and every woman he’s gonna hook up with after the fact.

I’d like to take a moment now, actually, to publicly apologize to all the women out there who slept with men after I did. Poor bastards thought sticking their tongue in women’s vaginas is the point of oral sex. I’m sorry, girls. He didn’t know where the clit was and I was too much of a coward to tell him. Well, I’m done with that– it’s time we’re all done with that. Draw him a goddamn map if you have to. In fact, I’ve found men actually love it when I tell them where to put their tongue.

 

No Pressure Here:

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve faked it because I felt bad. When a guy tries really hard to get me off and I don’t deliver the goods after all of three minutes, I feel guilty. But that’s just internalized misogyny at work, so don’t listen to it. Most guys, if they’re worth having sex with, are more than happy to spend however much time it takes to get you off. So, relax and stop trying to force it. The more you scold yourself for not coming, the more likely you are to not come at all. Isn’t life a bitch that way? Get out of that head of yours and breath into your vulva.

 

Your Hand is Your Co-pilot:

Sometimes they just can’t figure it out and that’s okay. But faking it isn’t the answer. That’s when it’s time to lend him a hand– your hand. As much as I hate porn sometimes, it’s taught me a lot. The most important thing is that men LOVE watching women touch themselves. I don’t know many women who want to watch a man jack off, but I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t like watching me do it. So if he can’t figure it out down there and you’re tired of playing coach, it’s time for some DIY pleasure, and you can let him help.

Some of my best orgasms have been from me focusing on my clit while telling him how to hit the magic g-spot button with his fingers. I can’t do that myself when I masturbate, so it’s actually pretty awesome. And he’ll get off on both the watching part and the making you come part. I do this during sex too. The only disadvantage is that men can get too aroused by it, and finish early. But, by that point, you’ve already gotten what you came for. See what I mean? It’s a win-win!

 

A Little Help From Your Friend:

I always assumed men would feel threatened by having another dick in bed with me, but not so! Most men love it when I use my vibrator during sex. Thanks again to porn, I realized men see this all the time and maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal to pull out the ole silver bullet while he was inside of me. I have yet to have sex and NOT come since I’ve started using my vibrator while he’s giving it to me from behind. And men can feel it too, so they actually benefit from my little friend.

There might be some men out there who are threatened by your battery-operated buddy, but it’s more about making them understand what you want it for. Any man who knows anything about women should realize by now that our vulvas are complex and unique and require a lot of effort to please. So if a guy isn’t willing to put my orgasm before his ego, his vaginal invitation is getting revoked.

 

Nobody Likes a Victim:

I used to be so resentful at men for not getting me off. “Selfish jerks!” I’d say to myself. Then one day, I realized it was my own fault. I was a liar, plain and simple. I have no right to resent a man who doesn’t seem to care about my orgasm because clearly I don’t even care about it. As a woman in her 30s, I have no time for takers. If he doesn’t care, I make him care. And if that doesn’t work, what the hell am I doing with this douche anyways?

Faking is bad for everyone. Men, women, babies, mother earth. The last thing we need in this world is a bunch of resentful women who don’t value themselves. Sex is a big part of our lives, so why settle for the worst kind? Coming is a right, not a privilege. So come one, and come all!

 

 

Melanie Hamlett is a writer, storyteller, comedian and public speaker based out of LA. She’s also a regular on the Risk! podcast, creator of Smashing Stories and performs regularly when she’s not sleeping in the back of her truck in the woods or living abroad.

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Discussion about this post

  1. Bruce says:

    It’s your body, your orgasm, your responsibility!
    How are you to make a better lover, with faking?
    With faking, you are telling man, that he did a great job, and to repeat the great job next time! So more bad sex!
    Faking only ‘hurts’ you, you have one one to blame, but yourself, for bad sex again and again and again…
    Because instead of ‘coaching’ him, your faking him or lying to him…

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