Ask Emily: How Do I End The Break Up & Make Up Cycle?
I’ve been in and “on and off” relationship for three years now that is currently on its way to being “off” again.
I feel we’re just stuck in a cycle of break-up and make-up, and I don’t think that it’s doing either of us any good.
How many times do you try to make a relationship work before calling it quits?
That’s a great question, and one that is pretty common for daters everywhere. You’re in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be working, so you break up to get a better perspective. Then the minute the loneliness of singledom kicks in, you suddenly question your decision. It is normal to seek the comfort and familiarity of a recent ex. But when it turns into a recurring practice of break-ups and make-ups, can the relationship ever really recover?
I have a theory: if you have done the break-up and make-up thing more than two times you probably should end the relationship. One break up might be helpful to show you what needs to be worked on. But if you get back together, promise to be better and see no improvement, is another round going to help?
There is a break-up side effect that I like to call ‘euphoric recall.’ It’s when we glorify the ex after we break up with them. We miss them. We think of all the good times and their best qualities and think, ‘Maybe I gave up too soon?’ Remember to trust your decision.
You broke up for a reason (or several reasons). You get back together and the same stuff starts to happen, and then you’re right back where you started. Once the hot makeup sex is over, all of the hurt, resentment, and bad habits are still there. Unless you’ve both made efforts to improve the relationship, history is bound to repeat itself.
Every relationship is different, and relationship advice is definitely not “One Size Fits All.” If you have given it your best effort, and the relationship is still not working, there is no shame in calling it a day.
Make the decision that is best, not the easiest.