Ask Emily: Why Do I Keep Getting Orgasm-Blocked?
In the past year, I have been on a mission to have regular orgasms and since I’m currently single, this has been mostly a solo mission. I’ve been taking all of your advice: I’ve got the sex toys and the lube, I know where all my hot spots are and I know how to touch them, but I’m still only orgasming a third of the time. It’s so frustrating! Sometimes I will be right on the cusp of climaxing, but for some reason I just can’t get all the way there. What am I missing here? Help!
A: Dear O.B.
It sounds like you’ve been very busy and I, for one, am so proud. You’ve done all the homework, you’ve got all the materials you might need, now the one thing standing in between you and effortless orgasms … is you!
Let me tell you that you are not the first lady to O-block herself. In a Cosmopolitan magazine survey, a whopping 32% of women said that they were too in their own head to actually enjoy sex. Sound familiar? It’s possible that you are so focused on crossing that orgasmic finish line that you end up tripping over your own thoughts. What you need is to get out of your head and into the moment. And that something starts with a deep breath in, followed by a long breath out. Catch my drift?
It might sound a little bit new-agey, but the simple act of mindful breathing can truly enhance your sexual experience, especially when you settle in for some solo time.
1. It helps you be present in the moment
It’s hard to get tripped up by your inner monologue when you’re placing all of your attention on your breathing. Focusing on your breath forces you to tune into your body and everything it’s feeling, and tune all other concerns out. All that matters is your breathing, your body, and, of course, your sexual enjoyment.
2. It helps you relax
Stress is one of the biggest killers of sexual pleasure, followed closely by impatience. When you start to feel frustrated about your orgasm (or lack thereof), it makes it even harder to get yourself there. Deep, even breathing helps fight those feelings of stress and promotes calmness. Once your body and your mind are relaxed, you can sink in and open yourself up to all the pleasure that’s coming your way.
3. It increases blood flow to your pelvic area
When you take deep, steady breaths, more oxygen is pumped into your bloodstream, increasing blood flow. Now, both your brain and your genitals are receiving even more oxygen-rich blood, making them more sensitive to sensations and making your brain more receptive to pleasure. You’re welcome!
You might be thinking, “Breathing? Don’t I do that naturally?”
You’d be surprised. Many women have a tendency to hold their breath as they’re approaching orgasm — maybe they’re afraid they’ll scare it away? Unfortunately this has the opposite effect. It minimizes sensations, making it harder for you to ride that orgasmic wave.
During arousal, try breathing deeply into the pelvic area using your stomach muscles to pull air down into your body before gently exhaling through your nose. (Any yogis out there will definitely recognize this style of breathing.)
Your breathing directly influences your climax, and vice versa. Normally, when you’re close to orgasm, your breathing becomes faster and shorter; this might even be the time when you unconsciously hold your breath. If you notice this happening, force yourself to breathe slower and deeper. This change in breathing will extend your orgasm, and result in a more satisfying climax.
There you have it: You can breathe your way to better orgasms! And hey, when you do find a regular sex buddy, this practice also enhances your experience during intercourse. All the more reason to get into the practice of it solo before trying it out with a partner! Good luck ….