Ask Emily: My Boyfriend Can’t Orgasm During Sex

boyfriend cant orgasm blog sex with emily
boyfriend cant orgasm blog sex with emily

Photo by Scott Sanker on Unsplash

Dear Emily,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the past 5 months and in the beginning, sex was very intimate and slow.

I felt like it was equally rewarding, when we first started having sex.

But lately, when we have sex he isn’t reaching climax vaginally like before…


Now it basically comes down to me coming to orgasm, then to me performing oral on him and him manually getting himself off, leaving me feeling like I’m not doing enough or unattractive. Should I try something different? He recently had a back injury resulting in a pinched nerve making sex slightly complicated and I wonder if it’s just that or me…

I wonder if it’s me because since we started dating I’ve gained maybe 15 lbs and feel unattractive. Maybe it’s in my head!

Confused and seeking answers,

Laura, South Texas.


Dear Laura,

His timing of orgasm has nothing to do with you gaining 15 pounds. The change in his sexual response most likely has to do with his recent back injury, or if he’s taking any medications for the injury.

Just as relationships change over time, your sex life inevitably changes too. You make slow, passionate love at the beginning of a relationship and then five months later it’s just another part of your routine. Sex becomes less about expressing your love for each other, and more about getting off.

The good news is you are orgasming during sex. You have no idea how many emails I get from women who can’t orgasm during intercourse. Focus more on how your body feels during sex and less on what your body looks like. Your boyfriend is more likely thinking about how his penis feels than how many pounds you’ve gained. Get out of your head with some mindfulness and embodiment and try to enjoy yourself!


Remember, you can’t take how he orgasms too personally. You need to accept that everyone’s body works differently and it has nothing to do with your attractiveness. Because he is recovering from a back injury you’re going to have to change the way you have sex, at least temporarily.

Instead of falling back into the same routine, try changing it up. Which positions make it easier for him to orgasm? Try 69ing if he can get there from oral sex. Or try making slow, passionate love again and let him get off after however he likes. Communicate with him about his delayed ejaculation situation and see if changing things up will help.

Sex is more fun when you let go of your insecurities and deal with whatever sexual challenges you’re facing in the moment.




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