Confessions of a Unicorn and a Unicorn Hunter
Having a threesome is one of the top fantasies for men and women. And it never fails to be one of the most popular topics on the Sex With Emily site. Whenever we do a podcast, blog, or even a whisper about threesomes, everyone perks up a little bit… It’s an exciting topic, and one that we all want to learn a little more about…
Well, here’s a treat for you: a peek into the part of the threesome triad that is often shrouded in mystery: The Unicorn.
A “Unicorn’ is a bisexual person, typically a woman, who joins a couple for a threesome. Much like the mythical being that it shares it’s name with, a unicorn is NOT easy to find, but they can often be the missing piece in a perfect menage a trois. And it turns out that one of the women I respect most just so happens to have experience on BOTH sides of the triad.
If you’ve ever wondered “How do we find a third person for our threesome?”, “How do I become that perfect third’?, OR you just want to hear a brilliant take on how it all goes down, enjoy this revealing post from sex and relationship coach Celeste Hirschman, the co-creator of the Somatica Method…
For pride, Celeste decided to come out once more…as something a little different….
I want to speak on behalf of a group of folks who I think get a bad name – Unicorn Hunters – couples who are looking for a bisexual woman (or really, any woman, to whom they are attracted) who is willing to sleep with them. I have now been both the hunter and the prey – a unicorn and unicorn hunter. I can speak from a unique vantage point and say that I feel completely at peace with my cannibalistic nature. But it has taken me some time to get there.
A little history first. I came out as bisexual my freshman year in college. It was 1992 at UC Santa Cruz, a gay mecca if there ever were one and I was embraced with open arms – sort of. The queer community was amazing at UCSC and, because I was dating only women at the time, it was easy to be mistaken for a lesbian. I met so many wonderful, queer people who were exploring themselves and their sexuality and, occasionally, in groups of lesbians, I was privy to a slew of bi-phobic and derisive comments, “I’m never dating a bisexual again,” and, “I don’t think she’s even gay,” and, with a disgusted emphasis on the word man, “She left her for a man”. Believe me, I can understand wanting to minimize the chance of getting hurt in a relationship, the problem is, you can’t. Through my own relationship experience and as a Sex and Intimacy Coach I am acutely aware that part of being in a long-term relationship is dealing with the fact that people are different, and want different things. So, avoiding bisexuals or open-relationships or anything else you try to do to never get hurt, doesn’t work. You can try and control how you will be hurt, but it rarely works. But, I digress.
My point here is not to say that everyone should date bisexuals if that makes them feel unsafe. Humans judge in order to survive and I have compassion for that. However, I am a member of two groups who receive an undue share of societal judgement, unicorns – bisexual woman who are willing to sleep with couples – and unicorn hunters- the (usually, opposite sex) couples seeking them out. The roots of these judgments rely on ideas that women are not actually sexual, or capable of acting on their desires. As someone who has found both sides of the unicorn equation highly pleasurable I want to dispel the idea that threesomes are just something men talk unsuspecting “naturally monogamous” women into.
After college, as the lesbians surrounding me feared, I did have LTRs with men. This was not a “going back” into the arms of patriarchy and heterosexual privilege. This was just my very personal trajectory as a bisexual woman who tried to find the partners that meet my changing needs. Gender can be a shorthand for all sorts of stereotypes that do and don’t hold true. For me, the women I had long-term relationships with had much lower sex drives than I did and often shamed me for wanting a lot of sex. I found I was more aligned with the men I dated in this and some other important aspect of relationships.
For most of my life I have been in a relationship, however, during the times I was not, I still needed sex. When I needed sex, for me the most fun, exciting and safe way to do that, was to have sex with couples. It was fun because I got to have great experiences with both men and women and it was emotionally safe for me. I didn’t have to worry about the things women are brainwashed into worrying about when they are single and have sex with single men – I didn’t have to worry about feeling used and I didn’t feel the need to justify the sex I was having by trying to fall in love with everyone I fucked. They had each other and I was a free agent. I also felt safe having a woman there, I felt more confident in asking for what I wanted and I felt my boundaries were more likely to be respected. The beautiful, amazing and occasionally uninteresting couples I had sex with were always respectful, giving and extremely appreciative. I loved being a unicorn.
During my partnerships with men, I have, at times, still been interested in dating and having sex with women. I negotiated open relationships with my male partners so that I could still experience sex and, less often, love with other women. Sometimes I looked for those women to date and have sex with on my own and sometimes my partner and I looked for women to date and have sex with. Sometimes I dated women who occasionally had threesomes with me and my partner and sometimes my partner dated women who I joined for threesomes. Finding and having sex with unicorns has been tons of fun and a deeply bonding experience with my male partners. It has also been an opportunity to have wonderful sex and bad sex and loving relationships and painful relationships with many amazing women.
I can’t say I did it perfectly. The truth is that women are often scarier to me than men and sometimes having sex with them is easier than the vulnerability of falling in love. I feel less certain about whether or not women are attracted to me and I fear they can change their mind at any moment and I protect myself more in relation to women. Being a unicorn and a unicorn hunter has given me ways of connecting with women, and my own bisexual desires, that feel safer and more comfortable to me. In all of my relationships, no matter how casual, I do my best. I always attempt to repair if there have been challenges and to listen when there are hurts. Sometimes, feelings of jealousy and possessiveness in my partnerships got so intense, I did not do well at all. Like everything else, being a unicorn hunter has it’s challenges.
But still, I am a unicorn hunter. I am looking for women who want to have sex with my partner and I who are self-possessed and know what they want and will ask. I am looking for women who want to have sex with my partner so they can just see what it’s like. I am looking for women who want lots of attention from two sexy, appreciative people who want to help them learn about their sexuality, their body and their orgasm. I am looking for women who are straight, bi-curious, bi, lesbian, mono, swinger, poly, top, bottom, switch – women who choose to identify whatever way they want and want to explore. I am looking for women like myself – afraid, brave, sexual and human.