Facebook stalking alive & well

Facebook stalking isn’t just for college freshmen anymore. Zoe called me early this morning in a panic: “Last night, I had 434 friends on Facebook, this morning only 433.”

Zoe, the sleuthiest friend I’ve got, took only seconds to find out why. An ex-boyfriend had deleted her as a friend. He was still obsessively consumed with her life (and was therefore checking her Facebook page all the time). So, he decided to quit her, cold turkey. A good idea since Zoe’s postings don’t leave much to the imagination. It’s not hard to figure out when she’s got new men in rotation.
Celeste wasn’t so strong. She’s 39 and dating a 25 year old. Celeste checks her guy’s Facebook page more times than you’d believe in a day.
Because he’s the “best sex of her life,” she can overlook the fact that he says things like “whassup bro” to his “homies” on his page. But she can’t ignore that he and his ex-girlfriend went out the night he cancelled their date.
Sure you can uncover such pertinent data to questions like: What did he do Saturday night? Who’s the short guy next to her in the photo? I didn’t know he went to Hawaii? Why does she have more guy friends than anyone I know?
And you can “poke” to your heart’s content. It’s not as sinister as it seems: You send a poke—a wave, a hug, a chocolate-covered strawberry—to anyone. To your BFF or your prey.
Alice slipped with a recent poke: “Damn Em. I just poked a guy by mistake. The one I slept with over New Year’s Eve. I never called him back and now I poked him. I can’t retract it. What do I do? Tell him it was a mistake? I don’t even want to poke him in person.”
This is a problem: when you slip and poke someone by mistake. Just like my friend “slipped and fell on a penis” over New Year’s (translation: she didn’t mean to have sex with the guy).
I’d say it’s time to log off and get a drink with a friend. Go to Trader Joe’s (two guys oddly enough asked me out there recently), call your mom back, but please don’t torture yourself. You’ve got too much love to give and you’re not giving when scrolling for trouble.

 

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