“Help. I lie about orgasms.”

Dear Emily,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and our sex was great at the beginning. I used to tremble when he would touch me and now it seems like it’s only about him. He’ll ask if I had an orgasm and I find myself lying to him. I love him with every breath in me, he’s my whole world and I don’t want to lose him. But I’m longing for more foreplay, more oral on his part, and just more spice… I don’t know how to bring this up without offending him or pissing him off. I give him everything he wants in bed. I just can’t find myself being able to ask for more, even for seconds so I can try to orgasm. I just want to be satisfied at the end of our intercourse and I’m left wanting more. Help me please.

Thanks,
Jenny

Dear Jenny,

My answer is simple– ask for more. You’re never going to be satisfied if you don’t tell him what you want.  If you love him with every breath, then find the words to be honest with him and tell him you want more sexually. You have to be proactive to spice things up. Jump on top during sex, ask him to give you oral sex, and don’t ever fake it again.

I’m not saying you have to confess you have been faking it, but it’s time you stop pretending you’re completely satisfied. You can’t expect him to magically know what you’re thinking, especially when you’re hoping your fake orgasms will cajole him. Faking it doesn’t serve either of you. It only hinders his ability to please you and your ability to enjoy sex. Instead of telling him you orgasmed, suggest some things he can do to actually get you there. If you don’t point him in the right direction, how can you ever expect to get what you want in bed? Perhaps his ego will be a little bruised, but if he loves you he will want to give you as much pleasure as he can. Give him a chance to make sex not just about him.

I know that saying “just ask for it” is easier said than done. Most people find it difficult to ask for what they want in bed. It’s best to do it when you’re not having sex. Rather bring it up at breakfast or during a casual Sunday lying around the house. You can start by asking him if he has any fantasies that he’d like to act out with you. You can ask him about his most memorable time having sex with you and why it was so amazing. Then you’ll learn from him what he desires and hopefully, he’ll return this line of questioning and you can get the dialogue going. If he doesn’t ask you back you can just jump in and tell him what you think about your fantasies and desires. Keep the conversation light and try not to make it seem like you want to have a massive ‘talk.’  You’re just having casual chat about your sex life.

It’s common for the sexual passion to die down in a long-term relationship. Couple’s have to work to reignite the spark.  However, this isn’t just a rut in your relationship. This is you needing to take responsibility your own pleasure. If you want seconds, ask for it.

 

xxx,

Emily