Fetish Spotlight: Cuckoldry
Ahhh….the “cuck.” A derogatory term for some; a sexy, fun, and perhaps even loving label for others.
Coloquially, a “cuck” is an emasculating word for someone who is desperate for the approval of their partner. In fetish speak, being a “cuck” references a specific type of kink that’s sexually exciting and fulfilling for everyone involved!
Let’s rewire the way we think about cuckolding, and break down the details of this popular fetish.
What is Cuckoldry?
First, let’s define “cuckoldry”. It is a fetish that’s garnered a lot of interest the last few years. As defined by Wikipedia, a cuckold is “the husband of an adulterous wife.” The term “derives from the cuckoo bird, alluding to its habit of laying its eggs in other birds’ nests.” But Wikipedia’s definition is more historical, not fetish-based. Urban dictionary defines a cuckold in kink terms:
A man who willingly encourages his wife to sleep with other people because it brings him pleasure. Cuckolds exist on a spectrum between two extremes. One on end is the masochistic cuckold who enjoys humiliations, degradation, and other demeaning activities at the hands of his wife and her lover. The alpha cuckold lies at the opposite end of the spectrum and does not enjoy any form of humiliation and often has a direct say in who his wife sleeps with and when.
Now, in my experience, I take issue with this definition in two respects: 1. It is not gender inclusive and 2. lumping the “alpha cuckold” with cuckoldry is problematic. Alpha cuckolds could be seen as a sub-set of cuckolds. I personally consider someone who does not enjoy humiliation from their partner more in the “hotwife” category. But, alas, this is splitting hairs.
Note: for the purposes of this general article on cuckolding, I will be using hetero-normative language (so please pardon me on that as this tends to be a specific fetish) and I will keep the alpha cuck inside cuckoldry.
You’ve seen it before…
If you are into porn, you may have noticed a lot of cuckoldry videos even if you didn’t know it. You could have done a search for something related to watching group sex and bumped into some scenarios that brought cuckoldry to your attention.
Cuckoldry has been portrayed numerous times in mainstream film and TV. For instance, on The Girlfriend Experience (Showtime), a sex worker enacts an elaborate scene with her client in which she hires another male escort to cuckold the client. The client is made to watch his “girlfriend” have sex with the male escort. She professes her love for the male escort in front of her client. The client got the sexual excitement and release he seeks – it is clear his jealousy is part of the turn on.
Why are people into it?
Cuckoldry as a fetish generally falls into three categories of what attracts people (ie, what benefit/sexual pleasure they get from it):
- BDSM/power play
In other words, the draw of cucking someone could come from different areas of interest. Maybe it’s BDSM (ie, dominating your partner by having sex with someone else and using humiliation). Or it could be voyeurism/exhibitionism (watching or being watched during sex). Knowing what specifically interests you about cuckoldry is helpful knowledge for a smooth sucking situation.
How to get into cuckoldry
If you have a partner and an interest in cuckoldry, have an honest conversation about it. The best way to communicate about it with your partner is to explain what attracts you about cuckoldry. Describe either the voyeur, exhibitionist, or power /BDSM aspects you are attracted to. Ask your partner if they are curious or interested in any aspect of the cuckolding scenario.
Consent is the cornerstone of every kink and fetish. Make sure that any participation in cuckoldry is consensual and built on full disclosure (fully informed consent). Contrary to some beliefs out there, cuckoldry is not cheating! All activities are consensual and for the benefit of each person involved – the cuckoldress, the cuck and the “bull.”
A “bull” is sometimes referred to the person who comes in to help the cuckold the cuck. If you are a bull, you can find plenty of couples who want your help with this fantasy. I find that usually being a bull amongst the swinger crowd is what gets your “foot in the door”.
(Just remember to play safely. Here is a same-day scheduling STD testing resource.)
Take it slow…
If you are worried about real-life jealousy, start off with discussing the fetish and perhaps telling stories. The next level is to try watching cuck porn together! You could also try having sex right after telling a story about sex with other partners. If those activities make you feel more confident, then you can consider moving to finding a bull. Just remember that there is a risk in every sexual encounter and especially when long-term committed relationships are at stake. Those relationships tend to have expectations.
Finally, just because you consented to your partner’s cuckoldry does not mean you have to “stick to the plan” and follow through. I have seen spouses not want to share reservations with their partners because they didn’t want to ruin their pleasure. But that is a recipe for disaster. You must keep checking in with your own inner compass – your own feelings. If at any time, the cuckoldry becomes too problematic, just stop and inform your partner.
Another good idea is to incorporate some aftercare, especially if you used humiliation in the fetish – ie, humiliated your partner via the sex you had with another person. “Aftercare is the process of soothing, nurturing, and loving your partner after an intimate session.” Part of aftercare in cuckoldry would be verbal affirmations that restore your partner’s faith in your real-life bond and demonstrate that this cuckold scenario was solely for the bedroom.
There you have it! Cuckoldry can provide some steamy sex in your love life, bond you to your partner, and give you the giggles at work just thinking about it!