If at First You Don’t Succeed, Vibe & Vibe Again

I’ve been hearing about this Magic Wand for well over a decade now. Unfortunately, I was sexually stunted all through my 20’s, meaning I didn’t even buy my first vibrator until my mid 30’s. Mostly because the patriarchy still isn’t 100% on board with women’s pleasure. It doesn’t want sexually empowered lionesses who put our own needs, especially orgasms, first. No, women like us are a serious threat to the power structure and, therefore, have been slut-shamed into oblivion.

This kind of cultural brainwashing, plus my Southern upbringing, resulted in me being a sexual prude for a long ass time. A prude too ashamed to masturbate, even in college, despite the fact my friends were having threesomes by then. The fact I’d never been with a man who’d given me those fireworks-style orgasms probably had something to do with it, too. Either way, ignorance and shame turned me into a sexual Debbie Downer who just assumed orgasms weren’t in the cards for me.

Oh, how the tides have changed! 

I now see vibrators and the orgasms they ensure us as revolutionary acts. The ultimate f*ck you to The Man. Not only do I own a vibrator, I’ve got several and I use them pretty much every morning before I hop in the shower. What a way to start the day!

Like most women, though, the exposed part of my clit is the bingo spot, so I don’t really need anything dick-shaped to get my kicks. For this reason, I’ve always gone with my little silver bullet or one of its many knock-offs. Until recently, that is, when a friend gifted me with a life-changing device sold under the guise of “back massager.”

I’d heard talk before of it being this amazing sex toy. My first thought was Samantha Jones using it to put Miranda’s baby to sleep on Sex in the City. I hadn’t really thought about it since then, but my friend insisted I was reeeeeally missing out. It’s still known, after all, for being the most popular vibrator on the market since the ’60s.

When I received a box the size of a skinny fire extinguisher, even my vagina flinched. “My God, it’s huge! I can’t put that thing in me!” Hell, I can’t even handle men with huge penises. Ain’t no way I was gonna stick this thing up my hee-hoo.

My friend assured me, though, I didn’t have to– most women just use it externally. I owe my friend some serious friend debt over the wand, but all she said was to pay it forward. So, in honor of that , I’d like to share with you all the ways this magical creature proved my initial instincts wrong.

 

Stronger Than Your Morning Coffee:

This thing has some serious horsepower, y’all. Like, we’re talk’n car engine kind of power. But, as with most things, I was too lazy to read the damn instructions which clearly state you should not use it on any body part for more than 20 minutes. Oops! Lesson learned. There is such a thing as too much power, even for a vibrator. Not only did it not get my off, my poor little clit was damn near numb afterward. I kid you not, I could feel it tingling for a good five minutes after I’d shut the beast off. Had I bothered to consult my friends or even read the instructions, I would have known to put a towel or even a sheet between the wand and my ever-so-sensitive bingo button. Instead, I threw it under my bed and swore it off for good.

Then, one day, the batteries in my trusted silver bullet died. Too lazy to walk into the kitchen, I pulled the ole wand back out for another go. This time, I read the instructions. To give you an idea of just how strong this thing is, the pamphlet says, “Do not use an hour before or after eating.” Think about that– You only have to wait a half hour to go swimming for Christ’s sake. That’s the kind of power we’re talking about here.

 

Lasts Longer Than the Titanic:

Despite my shitty first experience, I have always appreciated the fact this thing is charged with a power cord and lasts 3 solid hours. I was spending a fortune on AAA batteries for my silver bullet, not to mention destroying the environment. For something this powerful, I actually find it hard to believe it can go three hours straight. That alone is magical. My cell phone dies after an hour of watching a movie. This thing could power a boat and go two hours longer. Modernity truly is amazing.

 

 

 

Large & In Charge:

Okay, yes it’s big, but it’s worth the space you set aside for it in your suitcase. Plus, now that I know I don’t have to stick this thing inside me, I actually love how big it is. It covers more surface area than the domino-sized silver bullet ever could. In fact, it’s taught me a thing or two about my clit in general. Here I’d always thought there was only one magic button. Au contraire! Apparently, I’ve got several parts of the peach that need some love’n.

 

 

Worth Every Penny:

I used to be too cheap to spend good money on a vibrator. As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve realized there’s a reason why shit at the dollar store is only a dollar. It’s true, you get what you pay for. Funny how I’d spend a fortune on a MacBook that lasted years instead of going the cheap route with a shitty Dell that broke down ever few months. Yet, I never invested that care into my sexual pleasure. Sacrilege! I’ve gotten smarter in my late 30’s… And hornier. Both have taught me that money equals value. Period. My pleasure is just as important as a 30-day metro card. In fact, I’d pay thousands for this thing if need be. I mean, isn’t sexual pleasure the only reason why our species has survived this long? It’s a basic human need in my mind. Men sure as hell see it that way. Why shouldn’t we?

 

Plays Well with Others:

The Magic Wand gets along well with others. I found out from a gay man that, coupled with the right device, your Magic Wand can help you get at those hard to reach places. My G-spot is something I usually ignore on my own because it’s at such a weird angle and I essentially have no patience. The clit’s a no-brainer. But the power of the wand makes it so you can stick something else inside to reach the G-spot while letting the wand’s motor boat engine feed it electric juice. Whoever figured this out is a f*cking genius by the way. Now I don’t have to rely on men (or my coaching of men) to give my G-spot the long-overdue attention it deserves. Nor do I have to rely on men anymore to get me to squirt!

 

Sexy AND Useful:

Let’s not forget the “official” purpose of the magic wand is to massage your neck, back, and shoulders. How many vibrators can do that? Seriously, I am saving a ton of money by not paying some cute, old lady in Korea town to work on my knots. Plus, it feels great pretty much all over. A word of caution: do not to try it on your head. The owner’s manual advises against it– especially those with long hair.

***

If I haven’t convinced you yet, only experience will. Fear not, ladies. Despite its foreboding appearance, The Magic Wand is a loyal friend, a guaranteed orgasm, and a fun way to give any person who thinks your pleasure doesn’t come first the middle finger.

 

 

Melanie Hamlett is a writer, storyteller, comedian and public speaker based out of LA. She’s also a regular on the Risk! podcast, creator of Smashing Stories and performs regularly when she’s not sleeping in the back of her truck in the woods or living abroad.

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