Using Gender Neutral Language In The Bedroom
Diving into dirty talk can seem super intimidating. But using your lips (yes, the ones on your face) is easier than you may think. When it comes to talking dirty, being empowering and inclusive as you turn up the volume is the sexiest thing of all.
Whether you’re a gender non-conforming babe, an all-affirming partner, or you just like to keep your dirty talk as versatile as possible, here are some tips for bedroom talk that turns up the heat while shutting down the gender binary.
Talk about talking
Yeah, yeah, I get it, you want to be “spontaneous” and “keep your partner guessing”. Living in the moment and just “going with it” may seem sultry… But there is nothing sexy about making your boo feel completely unsafe as you’re getting it on because you were trying a sexy ad-lib and ended up triggering them.
Get clear on where they’re at, what they like, what they hate, and what they want when it comes to dirty talk.
Discussing intentions and boundaries can look anything from, “I want you to make me feel like Kim K on the red carpet” to “Do not call me a slut.” It is not divorce court. You can make it a fun and even sexy conversation. Ask them what they like, share what you like, discuss what feels good for both of you. Find words and phrases that make you both hard/wet/generally aroused just thinking about them.
Make Your “Privates” Public Knowledge
Well…public to your partners. Everyone has their own set of “no-no words” and there are endless reasons why someone may be sensitive about how you refer to them/their body parts. This is especially true if your partner is a trans/non-binary babe.
Get clear on what you both like to call your body parts and how you like your body parts to be interacted with. Again, this doesn’t have to feel like getting a root canal — you can be playful and fun as you’re being inclusive and informative.
Here are some examples:
“Don’t call my crotch a pussy or vagina”
“I don’t want you to touch my chest, but you can eat my ass like it’s your last meal on earth”
“Please don’t refer to genitals as “penis,” “cock,” “dick” or any words like that.”
“I’m not going to use my crotch to enter you, but I’d love to finger you”
“I don’t want you to touch me below my waist, but I’d love to go down on you if you’re into that”
Keep The Convo Cumming
No literally talk until you cum, and then talk some more.
While, sexy talk can be good foreplay, it’s also a good way to communicate your needs and desires as you’re having sex.
It’s important to make sure you and your boo are on the same consensual page. It can also be a nicer (and sexier) way to ask your boo to switch up what they’re doing/get you closer to finishing.
Here are some examples:
“I want you on top of me”
“I want you behind me”
(Honestly “I want you *most prepositions* me, is a safe bet.)
“I love it when you touch my body like that, can you do it harder?”
“I’d love to feel you inside of me”
“You’re so good with your fingers”
“Feel how aroused I am right now”
“I want to turn you around and enter you from behind”
“Spank me and call me a slut”
“Does that feel good?”
“Want me to grab my vibrator for some extra fun?”
“Do you like it when I do this?”
“What would really send you over the edge right now?”
“I was thinking about entering you as I was masturbating this morning and this is so much better”
Say what you Feel (Not What You See)
If your partner isn’t into appearance-based compliment, (if they don’t like being called “beautiful” or “handsome” or “hot”) stick to describing how you’re feeling/what you’re doing.
Here are some examples:
“I love how your body feels against mine”
“You feel so good when I finger you”
“Mm, I love tasting you”
“I want your smell on my body forever”
“I want to taste you tomorrow”
“I’m going to turn you around and spank you”
“I can’t wait to get inside of you”
“It felt so good to watch you beg”
“I love making you cum”
“I want you inside me”
Find Your Muse
Remember: your bedroom script does not have to be an original one. You can plagiarize, you can steal, you can say the thing that you saw in that indie French movie that was surprisingly sexy (read: porn) that you always wanted to say to someone.
Of course, you’re still need to ensure that you’re not making your partner uncomfortable or triggered. I.e. if they told you they don’t want you to talk about their penis, don’t say, “I can’t wait to suck on your dick like a Baby Bottle Pop” because you saw someone in porn do it. Stick with, “I want to lick your body” or “You taste so good.” Like everything else in sex, find what works for you and the people you sleep with, and keep doing that.
Whether you comment on how aroused you are or ask your partner to lick you like a popsicle, your sexy talk can be totally hot and still (gender) neutral.
Griffin Wynne is a non-binary writer, artist, and plain seltzer drinker. When they’re not discussing sex in the ~digital era~ or crying to the Dixie Chicks, Griffin enjoys camping, reading, used clothes, and documentaries about cults. They’re a Capricorn King, a genderless cowgirl, and a ’70s mama who is always down for dollar oysters and road trips. Griffin uses they/them pronouns and has the same birthday as Kyle Richards.