“Help. He isn’t reciprocating pleasure.”

Dear Emily,

Started listening last month and I have to say I love your show. I am learning a lot! Thank you!

I wanted to ask about a small issue of mine that has recently become more serious. My boyfriend is quite a bit younger than me and wants to take it slow. We have been together for 9 months now and although I please him orally and enjoy it, he never quite gets the hint that I want to receive some kind of pleasure back. I have asked him to finger me or do oral or even use some toys and although he says he feels like a terrible person for not reciprocating pleasure on me…he says he is nervous and isn’t in the mood after he comes to do it. I am at my wits end and although I love him and know outside the bedroom he is such a thoughtful and caring person, I wonder if this is a selfish response and a relationship breaker. What can I do to make him more willing or should I just stop? Am I putting too much pressure on him? Please help!

Thanks in advance!

Dear Rachel,

There are a few things going on here that we have to get clear. Is he not reciprocating because –as you stated– he is “ nervous” or because he“isn’t in the mood”?

These are two very different excuses. If he’s truly nervous and that’s the reason why he’s not giving you the oral pleasure you deserve, then it’s your responsibility to show him what to do. Tell him your desires, what turns you on, and exactly how to perform oral sex on you. It sounds like he could use a tutorial. However, if he simply isn’t in the mood he has no excuse for not reciprocating the pleasure for nine months. If he really feels like a terrible person because of it, he would change. His generosity or selfishness in bed reflects his character. You cannot separate a man from his penis.

I understand that it can be nerve-racking to perform sexual acts you’re unfamiliar with. But to continuously say that you aren’t in the mood is unacceptable. I don’t care how young he is, nine months is more than enough time to get sexually comfortable. He is completely prioritizing his own pleasure and that isn’t fair to you, especially since you’ve told him what you want.

You need to talk to him about this outside of the bedroom. Bring it up in a non-threatening environment (i.e. don’t use it as a guilt tactic during a fight). Express yourself openly, honestly and completely. Don’t downplay your emotions and don’t expect him to get hints. This was never a small issue and should not be presented as such. If he doesn’t please you after that, know that there is someone else out there who will.



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