I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream ‘No More Vanilla Sex’
It’s easy to forget about the double standards that surround sex when you’re an avid follower of Sex With Emily, especially when you work here. Yet, once I leave the office, it soon becomes abundantly clear that certain archaic ways of thinking about sex still exist.
Whether it’s from conversations I have with friends, cat-callers on the street, or scenes that pop up on TV, I am repeatedly reminded that, as a woman, there are always going to be people making assumptions about my sex life. They will pigeonhole and stereotype and doubt my ability to enjoy sex in a healthy way. They will form opinions, usually uninformed ones, based on what they THINK they know to be true. Because who’s more of an expert on my sex life than strangers?
NEWSFLASH: Women like sex just as much as men.
What do you think bisexual and lesbian couples do together? Research shows that women who are with women really like to get busy. Maybe it’s because women understand each other’s bodies a hell of a lot more, resulting in more frequent orgasmic experiences; maybe it’s because they actually talk things out and listen. Regardless of how they are achieving these amazing sex stats, they are doing something very right.
There are women out there that crave sex loads more than their partners do, and all types of sex, at that, but this is where things can get tricky. What are you supposed to do when all your lover wants to do is quietly have sex in the dark… in the bedroom… in missionary position? Not to say that vanilla sex can’t have it’s intimate and romantic moments, but come on… Night after night? How boring does that sound…
That may be a little on the extreme side of the vanilla spectrum, but you catch my drift. If you’re one of those lovely ladies who likes a little more flavor with their sex, but your man seems completely content with whatever recipe has already been created and served up every night, here are a few ways to let him know it’s time to change up his appetite.
SLOWLY WORK HIM UP TO IT:
Okay. Today is the day. You are going to get the crazy, wild sex that you’ve been craving, and which—let’s face it—you DESERVE! But, you don’t want to make your sweet beau feel like he’s been making love to you inadequately your entire relationship, because that’s just not true (well, maybe it is, but let’s keep things optimistic here). You just want to let your freak flag fly high and see if maybe your dude will raise his, too (along with other things). So, start off by sending some sexy messages to him throughout the day, but be subtle at first. Just let him know that you’re thinking about him and find a cute way to let him know you’re also feeling frisky. This way, when you guys finally see each other, he knows you’re already in the mood for a little loving.
DON’T LET HIM TURN THE LIGHTS OFF:
If you see his hand gravitating towards the light switch, grab it quickly and put it on your body before it’s too late to break away from each other and he realizes you put a giant mirror in the bedroom. Okay, maybe you haven’t done that last one, but it’s a good idea if you’re into that sort of thing. Anywhoosers. Look him in the eyes with a stare that says, “NOT TODAY, BUDDY” and climb on top of him. Let him know that you want him to see you and you want to see him in all your sweaty glory. Humans are visual creatures, so getting it on with the lights on makes the experience that much better, because you can see exactly what’s going on. This is especially good for mutual masturbation, which can help you both learn a thing or two about each other’s pleasure.
CLIMB ON TOP AND KEEP CLIMBING:
If missionary is pretty much the only position you practice, it’s time to push your man down and climb on top of him. You have so much control when you’re on top, and you can do it in so many ways! You can face forward, backwards, sideways, upside down, laying down, in the splits, whatever way you can manage to contort your body! Being on top also allows for you to throw in some new movements. You can swivel your hips, grind, and pump up and down.
Now, if you’re used to being on top, still use this tip. Once you’ve climbed on top of him, don’t stop when your pelvises meet. KEEP ON GOING! Climb him like the sexual mountain he is! Don’t stop until you’re right over his mouth. Hi face, I’m vagina, nice to meet you! Face-sitting can be incredibly hot, and it shows that you know what you want and are trying to take control. All you have to do is find a comfortable spot to hold yourself up. If you’re not used to this move, you have to make sure he can breathe. It wouldn’t really be that sexy of a time, if you’re enjoying yourself and then all of a sudden, your man stops breathing. But, what a way to go, AMIRIGHT?
BREAK OUT THE LUBE… THE FLAVORED LUBE:
Alright, using lube is not necessarily a crazy, kinky thing. However, it definitely ups the experience, and makes things slide together with ease. No guy will stop you from using lube if you break it out, and if they do then… I just… I would be so shocked. So in this scenario, we’re going with the “no guy will stop you” thing.
Keep the foreplay going for a little longer than you normally would, and add some lube to your blow job or cunnilingus skills. This is a literal way to add flavor to your sex life. JO’s Gelato line lets you add all the fun of dessert into your foreplay. And it actually tastes really good, like surprisingly great. With flavors like tiramisu and salted caramel, it’s not just dessert, it’s fancy dessert. You’ll feel classy, it’ll make the blow job a lot more enjoyable for both of you, and he’ll be loving every second of it. It’s especially great if your vanilla lover isn’t the most keen on going down. If odor or taste was ever a problem before (even though it shouldn’t have been), it will definitely become a problem of the past. In fact, what once seemed like a hassle may just be your guy’s new favorite thing!
HAVE SEX ANYWHERE BUT THE BEDROOM:
This one may be tricky if you live with roommates, have kids, or live with your parents, but if you live alone or know that no one is coming home for awhile, then when things start getting hot and heavy, don’t move straight into the bedroom for them to fully elevate. In fact, don’t move to the bedroom at all.
When you have sex in other places besides your bedroom, it kind of forces you to get creative. You might have to stand up, sit on a counter, maybe even use a spatula as a spanking device (a clean one, hopefully). A living room or kitchen will give you lots of room to move around, and a multitude of areas to get busy. What’s sexier than pushing those pesky bills off the kitchen table and onto the floor, then getting thrown down and ravished? Unfortunately, you will have to pick those bills up and pay them eventually, but you’re having kitchen sex! Relish in that for awhile. Because you aren’t in your regular setting, your adrenaline will be skyrocketing which will enhance your experience and increase your pleasure, plus every time you are in that room afterwards, you’ll be reminded of the day you finally banged against your bookcase, or you used the washing machine for more than just laundry.
TALK TO HIM OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM:
This may be a surprise to your guy. He may even be totally open to trying new and kinkier things, but he just never knew how you felt, nor had the imagination to come up with anything. If you’ve never dropped any hints, how can he pick them up? If you have ever tried to talk about sex with your partner, you might notice that during the act is not the best way to go about it. It’s going to break his confidence, and it may come out wrong, leading to frustration and arguments. Start the conversation in a completely neutral environment and let him know that you like having sex with him, you just want to add some new experiences to that side of your life. This way, you won’t have to worry about him being down on himself, and he can spend more time going down on you.
You may be utterly content with your vanilla sex life, and that’s totally fine. Like I said, everyone needs a little vanilla now and again. But, if your inner sex freak has been locked in a cage and deprived of seeing the light, it’s time to take a stand and let it out. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re strange for being the one in your relationship that wants sex more or wants it to be kinkier. You are not strange at all, you just know that what turns you on is more than just in, out, repeat. Be confident in your sex flavor, whether it be chocolate, strawberry, or even, dare I say… Neapolitan?