“Help. I’m a 34 Year Old Virgin”

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Dear Emily,

Background: 34-year-old guy, virgin, never had a relationship.  This is due to my practically lifelong struggle with major clinical depression. The issues are largely resolved and I feel great!   I’m now out there trying to meet the right girl.Positive qualities: I’m handsome, make $80k a year good personality, responsible, and am fit. Negative qualities: I can’t think of any. Any ideas on the best way to talk about the issue with lack of relationship at my age, medication, etc.? I don’t have an issue with getting Match.com first dates, but getting to number two seems to be an issue.  Maybe it’s just a lack of chemistry, but I’m guessing that there are some areas I can improve upon – thoughts?

Thanks,  B

Dear B,
I love your confidence: confidence tops the list of the sexiest traits that both men and women covet most. So, it seems that you’ve got that locked down. I’m curious if you bring up recent health history, medication or virgin status on the first date? I would recommend not doing so. And not because it’s not important to reveal, eventually. The first date talk should be about who you are, your hopes, dreams passions and conversing about the things you most relish in life. If you’re bringing up your struggles “just to be honest” i think this is a case of too much too soon. Try keeping the conversation lighter and ask many questions of your date. Dates are equal parts listening, talking and lively communication.

XXX

E

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2 Discussion to this post

  1. B says:

    Thanks for responding to my question – (although I would have put a few exclamation points after the ‘Help’ in the headline :)

    Anyways, to answer your question, I don’t mention anything about my ‘situation’ – in fact, I would rather not talk about it because I’ve owned it and moved on. But when asked about the subject of past relationships (sometimes comes up, of course), I am honest and say that I’ve never had any, and that doesn’t seem to be a real crowd-pleaser…

    I would welcome any further advice on how to address this issue when it will come up, as it inevitably will. Thanks for your thoughts!

  2. ali says:

    I feel like steering the conversation away from past relationships is important on a first date! That’s not to say you should lie if it comes up, but talking about anything from your past (friendships, memories, ex’s, jobs, etc) makes it way too easy to end up in a one way conversation of back and forth storytelling.
    On the first few dates, I think it’s important to talk about where you both are now, what you enjoy doing, and any lighthearted common ground you have–that’s the best way to establish chemistry–a deciding factor for considering another date.

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