Letting Go of the Quest for the Big O

Many women have trouble orgasming, whether they’re with a partner or by themselves. Some have so much trouble, they think that an orgasm just isn’t in the cards for them. Putting so much focus and attention on something can actually be what’s keeping you from attaining your goal.
These thoughts of “I have to orgasm; come on it’s going to happen; you’re so close, just get there” can overwhelm your brain, making you miss the mark every time (or result in a mediocre orgasm). The best way to start your journey towards the big O is actually take climaxing off the table. Don’t worry about getting to the end, just enjoy the ride. 
Being in the moment during sex instead of driving towards a goal will make greater strides in your quest to orgasm than you think. Sex Coach Pam Costa shares her first experience letting go of her quest and how mind-blowing it became in her Down to There blog…

Maybe it was because there was a big storm outside and I really didn’t want to go to the party we were invited to. Maybe it was because we recently took a class encouraging us to explore each other’s bodies with curiosity. Whatever the reason, something very different happened that night when we began to have sex.

For added context, I’m not a big fan of foreplay. Sure, a little erotica or porn is great to get me in the mood. And sure, a little gentle or not so gentle caressing here or there is nice. But for me, the main event is primarily about building tension in my pussy and his cock and eventually sweet release for us both.

But that night, whenever I started to try to ride the wave towards orgasm, I became aware that I was losing track of the sensations and it was annoying me. I probably could have gone ahead and proceeded to have an okay orgasm, but something in me wanted sensation over release. So I decided to let go of my quest for orgasm and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Whoa Nelly. Isn’t the big O what we are all striving for? It’s certainly true that an orgasm can be a lovely outcome of the physical and emotional effort we put into courtship, flirting, seduction and sex. But something in the back of my mind that night was reminding me of the advice I’d heard over the years that letting go of expectation in a sexual encounter can be very liberating. I’d never really internalized the message, and certainly had never acted on it, but decided to heed the advice and see where it took me.

My fateful decision to be free from expectation seemed to drive heightened sensations across my skin… when my husband touched even simple things like my arm or my shoulder or the side of my torso, it was electrifying. Instead of the loss of sensation I had been experiencing moments earlier, I was suddenly and shockingly immersed in a world of bright light and felt an aching to stay in that moment forever.

I’m not kidding when I say that I had never had an experience quite like that before. I feel like this entry is turning into an erotic story rather than a blog post, but I found myself arching to follow his fingertips and wondering each time his hands lifted off my body when and where they would touch me again. And it all had NOTHING to do with an orgasm!

Ironically, our little party-skipping encounter did end with the most mind-blowing orgasm I’d had in a very long time, but I can truthfully say if that if I hadn’t had an orgasm at all that night, it would still have been one of the most memorable sexual experiences in my life.

That night has brought to mind a lot of questions for me, so I leave them here with you now in the hopes that one of them will spark a similarly electric night for you and your chosen partner.

What would it be like to invite our lovers to sit back, enjoy our touch, and explicitly tell them there is no expectation of orgasm?

What would it feel like if we could marinate in a state of infinite pleasure through simple touch alone?

What would it look like if it didn’t matter if a penis was hard or a vagina was wet, or if he came or she came?

In a world where sex is not defined by orgasm, when does sex begin and does it ever end?

To learn more about Pam’s journey, try out some of her sexual exercises or even sign up for one-on-one coaching, you can visit her website DownToThere.com


After a decade and a half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. She believes that speaking openly about sex can help individuals and couples find new ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships. She also believes in the healing power of sharing and recently launched Down To There Circles, free, peer-led discussion groups, to help friends support and inspire each other around sex and relationships.
Related Posts