Why You Might Not Be a “Nice Guy”
The “friend zone.” We’ve all heard of it, and some claim to have been there (although it’s existence is debatable). The connotation remains at a negative.
What is the “friend zone,” really? It should be an awesome hangout spot for you and your buddies to go – equipped with a bar, arcade games, and maybe a trampoline (a girl can dream, right?) – but it’s not.
While any person has been known to use the term, it seems to be most prevalent in male-to-female relationships –– the guy being “friend zoned” by the girl. He pines over a woman who only sees him as a friend. He listens to all of her problems, does nice things for her, might know her family, and may even be at her beck and call.
At the end of the day, he’s left wondering, I’m a nice guy, why doesn’t she like me?
I’m not here to bag on every man who finds himself in this situation, or to say that they are, in fact, bad people. I’m here to say that there’s a huge difference in being a genuinely nice guy with a crush on a female friend –– doing nice things because you want her to be happy above all else –– and doing nice things, expecting this friend to eventually have sex with you, and getting mad if she never does.
Just because you may be acting like a nice guy, doesn’t mean you are one. And being nice and listening to problems doesn’t give you a ticket into someone’s pants. Motive. Is. Everything.
This notion has long preserved the stereotype (by men) that straight guys cannot be platonic friends with straight women. The only reason why a man would be friends with a girl and not be “hooking up” with her is because she has pushed him into this land-of-no-return.
Women, on the other hand, think platonic male-female friendships are normal, and welcome them! Something some would call naive (but isn’t).
This is where things get misconstrued, so let me add a little perspective.
NOT THE ONLY ONE, YOU ARE
Have you ever thought about how many other guys may feel the exact same way? This woman you’re crushing on may have five other dudes in the same boat. So, is she supposed to sleep with all of them? NO.
She’s allowed to choose who she sees romantically, regardless of all the so-called “nice guys” out there. Newsflash: tons of people are nice. That isn’t the only requirement for someone to like you.
MOST OF YOU AREN’T UPFRONT
If you have feelings for this person, let them know how you feel, instead of waiting for her to hop on your sac the moment you bought her Panera Bread. If she turns you down, respect that. And, if you can’t handle being “just friends,” don’t linger around hoping she’ll change her mind and resenting her for not doing so. Move on, and be on to the next. No one is forcing you into this friendship, it is your choice to be there or not. Go home, get a fleshlight, and make yourself feel better.
FRIENDSHIP CAN TURN INTO A RELATIONSHIP
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for developing strong friendships before dating someone. There are plenty of guys who have crossed the threshold from the brotherly figure to the man she needed all along. Being nice doesn’t mean you won’t get the girl – it just depends on how you come across. If all you do seems to be revolved around her, that’s not necessarily being considerate. In fact, it can actually be overwhelming. These “not so nice” guys she dates probably have their own lives and ambitions (and confidence), which is attractive.
COOL DOWN, BRO
You can’t be mad at someone if they don’t return your romantic feelings. The “friend zone” isn’t really a “zone” at all, but a reaction to rejection. No one likes to be rejected or told no, but getting angry or pouting about it – blaming the nay-sayer – shows how entitled you think you are. No one owes you anything. Well, your boss owes you a paycheck for a hard day’s work, but you get my point.
Be happy this person is in your life in some capacity. If you truly care for and respect them, you’ll get past your crush and develop a real friendship, something that should be cherished.
To answer part of the coming backlash – yes, there are people out there that will use someone’s feelings for them as an advantage to get presents or to do favors, and although a shitty thing to do, still doesn’t mean they owe you a trip to orgasm city.
You may still think, “nice guys finish last,” but you may not be as nice as you think.