Never Date Someone Who…

Never Date We all have our lists of hilariously bad encounters with members of the opposite sex. They make for the best stories. It’s what makes painfully bad dates and horrifically bad sex almost worth it.

But after all those years of therapy it might be time to stop looking for the diamond in the rough. Most of the time, it’s just rough!

I know, you can’t choose who you love. Your heart will start thumping for some of the most vile creatures out there. You just had so much chemistry with that guy with the porn mustache and the pet ferret!

Do what you must, but please please please…. 

Never date someone who cheated on their last three partners. You’re not different, they’ll cheat on you too.

Never date someone who offers to show you a sex video of his last girlfriend. Never make a sex video with said person.

Never date someone whose last date was prom

Never date someone whose idea of a good time is taking your Midol after all the booze is gone

Never date someone who still has an active OkCupid account after you’ve been dating for six months

Never date someone on OkCupid (just kidding)

Never date someone who won’t make a decision without consulting their mother

Never date a man who hates his mother, unless his mother is a despicable human being

Never date someone who’s broke but can somehow pay for large quantities of weed

Never date someone who chooses video games over sex

Never date someone who has a gigantic picture of a woman riding a mechanical bull over their bed

Never date a guy who admits to masturbating more than 10 times a day on the first date

Never date someone who calls himself a handyman but can’t do anything useful with his hands (to your genitals or your generator)

Never date a guy who tells you how much his car costs on the first date

Never date someone who only says “I love you” during sex 

Never date someone who checks their phone during sex

AND

Never date someone who doesn’t go down on you

Feel free to date every other strange and unusual creature out there.

But be wary, the cringeworthy stories get a little less funny when you actually get in a relationship with the dude who needs to watch Star Trek porn before getting it on.

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