My Non-Sexual Soulmate


nonsexual soulmateI’m in love! Full blown, utterly stunned, can’t-believe-I-have-someone-like-this-in-my-life, in love. I have never felt such intense emotions for someone, or loved someone so unconditionally. He makes my day better, my life lighter and is there for me whenever I need him. The best part? It’s reciprocal! The catch? He’s my completely, 100% gay best friend.

No, I’m not his beard. No, we don’t have sex with each other. No, I’m not secretly waiting for him to turn straight. What we have is entirely non-sexual, but at the same time it’s more than platonic. There’s something about our relationship that makes us more than just friends.

We are both single and have been for quite some time. We have always been very close friends, even throughout our sexual relationships, but a few years ago, something changed in our dynamic. We’re best friends, but it’s different than what I feel for my best girl friends. He has the male presence I often crave without the hassle of having to be sexy or in the mood (or even nice, for that matter). He knows how to handle every version of me that he encounters—and has probably seen more versions than anyone else. I confide everything to him, and I mean EVERYTHING; from unsolicited dick pics to anxieties about my future, right down to my digestive status.

We lie in bed together, watching Netflix and actually chilling. He’ll sleep over on the weekends, even if we haven’t gone out drinking. He surprises me by paying for dinner or drinks, and I surprise him whenever he’ll let me. When we go out, people constantly tell us we’re “the cutest friends,” sometimes mistaking us for a couple (although, the latter doesn’t happen too often). And, although he’s small in stature, he’s quick to get nasty with anyone treating me with disrespect. No matter how belligerent I get or stubborn I can be, he takes me as I am and never judges me for it. He loves me unconditionally, and I can feel it.

He’s the perfect wing-man, chatting up guys if I’m too shy to make a move, or warding off creeps with a sarcastic and witty remark. And because I want him to get it on as well, I do my best to wrangle a few good catches for him—but he likes to go about his dating in his own way. The guys I do date can sense his importance, and so they try to charm him almost as much as they do me. (Whose pants are they really trying to get into?) It’s clear that his presence can be somewhat intimidating, not physically, but intimately.

Because of this, suitors come and go, but no one seems to measure up. We understand each other with such depth, I’ve begun to doubt whether any potential lover will ever come close to the same intense level of intimacy. Even if they ended up getting close, would I let them in that far?

If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m incredibly sexual and have always had an active libido, I would drop dating altogether; I have my man. However, that need is an insatiable one with me. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel the need to have a boyfriend or look at my sexual partners as anything more than just that. Maybe because all of my needs are being met by my gay best friend, I don’t really see the point.

Even knowing that no one will match his status, I’ve learned that it isn’t fair to compare anyone I date to him. What I need to do is find someone who connects with me on an equally deep but entirely different level—both sexually AND emotionally—instead of one or the other. I have to change my expectations when it comes to dating because no one will ever be him. But really, I don’t want anyone to be. He is my soul mate.

We’re told that when we’re young, whomever we consider to be our soul mate may not actually be the one we end up with. It never occurred to me that a soul mate could be someone I wouldn’t date or marry or have sex with. It never occurred to me that I would have a non-sexual soul mate.

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