What The Phub?: Staying Connected For Better Sex
After The Longest Day Ever, you’re excited to finally have a glass of wine on the couch and vent to your boo about your mom, your boss, your landlord, and the woman on the subway eating a tuna fish sandwich at 8:00 in the morning. No matter the problem, your partner always gives the best advice. As you wait for their usual pearls of wisdom, you realize it’s been a while since they’ve said anything, let alone anything extra insightful. You turn to look them in the eyes, and realize they’re in their cell phone. They’re leaving you, and your feelings completely tuned out.
There are few worse feelings than talking to someone you love, and realizing they’re ignoring you. One of these worse feelings is realizing it’s for a game of Candy Crush. Whether your boo is sucked into Instagram or addicted to texting, feeling ignored is an awful feeling. If your partner is so glued to their cell that they’re starting to ignore you every time you spend time together IRL, they may be full-on phubbing (snubbing you with their phone) you. And it might be kind of (read: completely) affecting your sex life.
How “Phubbing” Affects Your Love Life
Whether you’re trying to talk about the water bill or the new Wonder Woman movie— realizing your boo would rather check their email that converse with you can make you feel like they don’t care about you at all. And wondering if your partner cares about you may hinder you from really living in the moment sexually. While phubbing may seem harmless, feeling ignored or dismissed can be completely detrimental to all aspects of a relationship. When someone continuously asks you to repeat yourself or never really listens to what you have to say, it’s only a matter of time before you stop trying to talk to them at all.
The more your boo scrolls, the more your internal monologue spirals: Do they actually like you? Do they think you’re smart and funny? Who are they talking to on their phone? Would they rather be talking to that person? Will they ever pay attention to you? What do you have to do to get them to pay attention?
Phubbing can make you question your relationship and compatibility and it can make you feel distant and detached in your love. It can make it harder for you and your partner to talk to each other in person and to feel connected when you do talk. And it can keep you both from living in the moment and just being with each other.
How To Deal With It
Listen, at one point or another, we’ve all been a little too attached to our phones. With the instant speed of the internet, it’s hard not to feel like you need to be constantly responding and reacting to every call and notification. While phones are becoming a more natural part of life, establishing some cellular boundaries is the best way to ensure everyone’s well-being. And nixing the phubbing in your relationship can help you and your partner feel more connected and sexually in tune.
Here are some ways to start the conversation about Phubbing:
- Babe, I’m really trying to open up to you right now, and it hurts my feelings to feel like you’re not paying attention.
- Can you put your phone down, I’d really like your support on this.
- Although I love your Twitter presence, I need your full attention on this.
- I think it would be super romantic to start a “no texting at dinner” thing, that way I can give all my attention to you and your sexy lips.
- I really hate when I’m trying to tell you things and you’re just on your phone, could we have a few minutes to talk about my problem?
- Let’s turn our cellphones off for an hour, and take some time to do whatever we want.
For better cell-phone balance, consider:
- Setting your phone chargers in the kitchen/living room (anywhere that’s not the bedroom) and leaving your phones before bed
- Having a “no phones” in the bedroom rule or hours of the day when you don’t have phones in the bedroom (i.e. before 9 a.m. or after 11 p.m.)
- Turning off your phones during dinner/breakfast (or any meal)
- Picking a weekend day to leave your phones at home and explore your city
- Deleting Instagram/Twitter/social media apps on your phone for one week
- Not using your phone in front of your partner to model what living in the present looks like
- Having a phone-less date night
- Seeing who can stay off their phone longest (with a sexy prize for the winner)
Being connected with your partner outside of the bedroom makes for a sweeter and sexier time between the sheets. And if you’re looking for your sex life to remain full-charged, turning your phones off may be the first step to turning you on.
Griffin Wynne is a non-binary writer, artist, and plain seltzer drinker. When they’re not discussing sex in the ~digital era~ or crying to the Dixie Chicks, Griffin enjoys camping, reading, used clothes, and documentaries about cults. They’re a Capricorn King, a genderless cowgirl, and a ’70s mama who is always down for dollar oysters and road trips. Griffin uses they/them pronouns and has the same birthday as Kyle Richards.