A Polyamorous Valentine’s Day
If you thought Valentine’s Day was hard when there was only two of you, where do you turn for tasteful tips when you’re in a polyamorous throuple? Or have a spouse and a girlfriend?
Polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships never seem to get any recognition on this love-filled holiday. Now that they’re becoming more common, it’s time they got some info.
So where do you start? Well, we did some work for you.
“Mismatched expectations lead to hurt feelings “- Polypretzels.
There’s no point in making a color-coded day planner if some of your polyamorous relationships don’t care for Valentine’s Day. It’s helpful to communicate to each partner that your day will be based on complimenting desires, and not on ranking a hierarchy between the relations. If you have a primary, check in with them what feels right for the relationship. Some don’t mind celebrating on another day.
Talk to your partners about gifts. What is it that they expect? Do they like gifts? Do they have anxiety about it? Is a price cap sufficient? Or DIY only gifts? You can get kinky with it as well! Only gifts of the flesh. The convo should be light and playful. Anything and everything is allowed here. You’re just showing care in how you show up.
A few other suggestions I’ve found for polyamorous relationships include – getting the same gift for everyone, communicating that you and your primary only exchange gifts with each other, or only get gifts for those who enjoy receiving them.
Financially managing how much you spend on this day if there’s more than two of you should, again, come down to communication. Figuring out who finds gifts relevant and exciting can make your life a lot easier. There’s no point in spending money, effort, time, and stress on gifts or outings if some of your loved ones don’t like receiving gifts, feel pressured stress to get one back, or aren’t looking to indulge in the holiday.
If you have a primary partner, territory might be a main concern for you. Making sure you’re not going over the top or invading the space of the secondary partner is important for continuing on in a polyamorous dynamic that feels balanced. You wouldn’t, for example, want to plan an extravagant island escapade for a girlfriend who’s husband just got fired without checking in with him first ,and making sure he’s not feeling threatened.
After all, this day is about love and sharing and there’s no need to cram all the lovely things we could do with each other in one day.
My favorite solution? One of community. Invite all your loved ones, and if you’re feeling generous, their loved ones to a big ole pot luck. Have the day be about sharing food and getting to know each other. This might be uncomfortable at first – maybe even scary – especially for those who are new to this type of living. Since this is the lifestyle you’re choosing to engage in, getting to know each others’ other can bring people closer and can provide a certain softness to the poly-dynamics. This lifestyle is, after all, based on clean communication and exploring what is possible in shared love.
A study from the wedding registry, Zola, found that 42 percent of couples claimed their favorite V-Day was at home. Why not bring the masses home and feast, drink, and be merry?
Whatever you do, remember this is a day about love and celebration, not obligation. So get playful, get silly, and most importantly have fun. Naked…just kidding… or?