Premature Cyberfection

Premature Cyberfection: engaging in electronic forms of affectionate flirting at a premature level of the relationship.

I’m declaring it here and now– you can’t call it a relationship after one coffee or worse, if you’ve never met in person.

So I was compelled to create a new term for this phenomenon: Premature Cyberfection. This term is for the guy who prematurely spews, discharges, gushes, and emits way too many emotions and emoticons.

We start to feel like we know someone when he starts calling us baby, honey, sweetie, love, darling, after one coffee meeting, or no meeting at all. Reminds me of these boots I just bought from Zappos. I was able to look at every angle of the boot, even in HD. I felt like I had walked in my shoes before they were even my shoes. It’s just like these people we think we know on the Internet, but we’ve done everything but actually date them.

Alexandra went out with one guy for a coffee date. It was so-so. She was underwhelmed, a good guy but no spark .Next time we talked she was heading out to see him again. Apparently his “like” meter went up. “Well we’ve been mad texting, read this one.” It was something to the effect of “Good morning sweetie.” SWEETIE? After one mediocre coffee date? Definitely premature cyberfection if you ask me. With all the mad texting and Twittering and Facebooking we’re escalating the important getting-to-know-you phase.

Anna was in the middle of a full on relationship with a guy, they’d already exchanged pictures of their genitalia and had phone sex, yet never met. He was set to fly in from NY to visit her in SF but her interest had already started to wain. “He started to bug me…too many texts, calls, always wanted to know where I was going , who I was with.” Tell me if I’m wrong, but this is usually lingo saved for actual relationships. Like where you um… MEET someone. Perhaps share a meal. Rent a movie. They’ve only shared genitalia texts and heavy breathing.

I’m guilty. I’ve always loved the writer guy. They woo me with words. Send me emails, letters, flowers, and I save every note, card and email. With words they get into my psyche with alarming ease. This phenomenon is no surprise since the female brain is the largest sexual organ. The words create a false sense of closeness and intimacy. I even started a relationship with my ex because he prematurely hurled sweetie/beautiful/baby at me in stunning intervals.

But after we ended it, my wise friend Julie advised (and she wasn’t the first): actions do my dear, speak louder than words.

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