Healing Relationship Insecurities

Photo by taylor hernandez on Unsplash


Relationship insecurities are both extremely common… and potentially hurtful and damaging.

 

They can corrode the joyfulness of an otherwise healthy relationship, inhibit you from feeling present, and decrease sexual satisfaction.

 

Today we are looking at the most common insecurities in relationships, their causes, and how to fix them.
No more living with insecurity and anxiety. This article takes you on a healing journey to help you live your juiciest, most vibrant and fulfilling sex life.

 

The 3 Most Common Relationship Insecurities

In my work as a Sexuality Doula, I have seen a myriad of different relationship insecurities flare up over the years. I’ve even experienced a lot of them myself. You are not weird, damaged, or broken for feeling them. They are usually indicative of past hurt that is yet to be healed.

You may need to love and nurture these insecurities, holding them to the light instead, of hiding them in the dark until they are healed. 

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Sometimes this healing work is fun, sometimes it is painful, but it is always worthwhile for your personal growth and the health of your relationship. While there are so many varied and specific relationship insecurities, they usually fall into one of three categories.

 

1- What If They Cheat On Me?

The cause of many an anxiety dream, social media stalk sesh, and CIA level text message analysis… is infidelity. This is one of the most common relationship insecurities, and perhaps the most damaging.

Regardless if a partner has ever actually cheated or not, concerns over fidelity keep many people awake at night. Eating away at your physical and mental health, this one looms over you, constantly nagging ‘what if they choose someone else?’.

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Part of the issue with this insecurity is that if your current partner has never been unfaithful to you, or given you reasons to think otherwise, you are making them do time for a crime they didn’t commit.

This is a particularly challenging one, because past trauma can make it very hard to trust new partners. Keeping your guard constantly up, and waiting for the other shoe to drop, can damage intimacy between you and diminish trust. Remind yourself that your current partner is a completely different person than your exes, and prioritize soothing your nervous system. High quality, frequent self-care is crucial for making it through these tough moments.

 

2- What If They Outgrow Our Relationship?

This one tends to be particularly challenging for people who partnered up early in life. The unknown variables of ageing and personal growth over time can put an immense psychological strain on a partner. Ideally, we want our lover to advance and flourish in their lives, but we wonder ‘what if that comes at the expense of our relationship?’.

When the concern starts looming, remind yourself that you chose your partner for specific core reasons. Their value system, their sense of humour, their kindness, whatever the elements are, they will likely remain unchanged.

Like it or not, this one is completely out of your control. If they do change, you can evaluate how to proceed at that time, but staying present and enjoying your partner for who they are right now is key.

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Feeling anxious about the future only sets you up to be distracted in the present, causing you to miss all the beauty and love in each moment. We often operate under the false notion that we ‘know’ our partners, when in reality everyone is changing in every moment. Switching to a mindset of being infinitely curious to learn about your partner can help calm these insecurities.

 

3- What If They Stop Loving Me?

One of the most painful and complicated insecurities is the fear that your partner will stop loving you. You may worry that one day they will wake up, roll over, and say to you “I’m kinda over this, and you”. Perhaps you fear that the love would slowly fade over time like a flickering candle, until it sputters out in a hot waxy mess. Regardless of how this particular insecurity manifests, it can erode the intimacy between you, as well as your own self-image.

In my practice, I’ve seen this one is being particularly common in people aged 25-35, as many children of divorce are unclear of the causes, and project their childhood unknowns onto their current relationship. Regardless of if this is a childhood wound resurfacing, or a worry you’ve developed in adult life, spend some quiet time sitting with it, and asking yourself where its roots truly lie.

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The feeling of comfort and security we would achieve by being able to know unequivocally that our partner would love us forever would indeed be reassuring. However, it’s a request that no one can provide. Ask yourself instead, ‘do they love me today? Do I love them today?’, and hopefully the answer is yes. Instead of being stuck in the neurological loop of ‘what if’, shift your focus to something more positive.

A strong foundation can be built by reinforcing that you both hope to stay in love, and will work together actively to strengthen and protect your relationship. Scheduling date nights, taking walks together, shared gratitude journals, and prioritizing sensuality and intimacy can be very helpful tools in this.

 

Why We Hold On To Relationship Insecurities

So why would we want to remove our relationship insecurities, you may ask. We often have subconscious beliefs around our insecurities, which actually keep them active. Even if you don’t like the discomfort of the insecurity, repeating a pattern usually shows you are getting something from it, though you may not be aware of it. Spinning on a hamster wheel of old patterns, desperate to make a more positive change. 

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Some people feel concerned that relaxing their guard they will cause them to slack off in the relationship, and their partner will lose interest. Their subconscious says that perhaps a little insecurity keeps them on their toes. Others feel that staying vigilant to the potential of their partner’s infidelity will prevent them from being blindsided by an affair.

 

Learning To Trust

The truth is that what these insecurities really do is keep us stagnant, and prohibit the relationship from evolving into true trust and deep intimacy. We stay in the same patterns and cycles because they feel safe, even if they are uncomfortable. Taking a risk and truly trusting your partner is scary because it leaves you very vulnerable.

However, the person you are really trusting is yourself. Trusting that your gut will tell you if something is off, so you can relax and enjoy the present. Knowing that you are enough for your partner, regardless of how life unfolds and how they might grow and change. Truly believing you can handle any ebbs and flows in the relationship with grounded energy and grace. This is true trust in yourself. 

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When you do this inner work, you can relax. You don’t have to stay vigilant for signs of impending doom. Instead, you can focus on the present. On all the love between you, the joyful moments of the mundane daily routine, the chaos of spontaneity, the deliciousness of connection. You trust yourself to handle the future, so you can be present in the now.

 

Core Pain Point

Though these three different categories of relationship insecurities seem quite different, they all usually stem from one core pain point, ‘what if I am not enough?’. In my work, I call this a ‘lack mindset’, and the key to fixing it is shifting to an ‘abundance mindset’.

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We worry they will cheat because we aren’t enough for them to be satisfied. Fretting over their growth because we feel we may be in some way lacking. Losing sleep thinking that they might fall out of love with us because we weren’t enough to keep their interest. This must be shifted, because you are enough. Your ‘flaws’, your perfections, your laugh, your mind, they all culminate in the unique expression of YOU. The wonderful, lovable, incredible person that you are. That is an abundance mindset. 

 

How To Move From Insecurity to Joy

Prioritising self-care is key to shifting this, you cannot fill the cup of another without yours being full already. It’s very hard to ask someone to love the things about yourself that you don’t love, so we must learn to. Self-care can be bubble baths and massages, but it can also be prioritising your pleasure and happiness with sex toys, mindful masturbation, or any other activities that feel uniquely nourishing to you.

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It can be going deeper with yourself and your shadows with a therapist, counsellor, spiritual mentor or pastor, or a Sexuality Doula such as myself. Focusing on building up that self-love until you have so much it spills out into the relationship. Knowing that you are incredible, so is your partner, and so is your relationship. Prioritising the health of your relationship, and taking active steps together to work on it. Creating and maintaining a stable foundation of trust and emotional stability.

Clearly and kindly communicate your anxieties and concerns to your partner. Create space to let them support and help you through them. Growing and learning together. When the insecurities rear their ugly heads asking yourself reassuring and mindful questions, such as ‘is this likely, or am I in an old habit of thinking?’. Being gentle on yourself as you grow and heal these insecurities is key.

 

Breathe…

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While relationship insecurities are common, they are harmful and not necessary. They limit your happiness and inhibit the amount of growth possible as a couple. Focusing on self-care, addressing the root causes, and shifting to an abundance mindset can be infinitely helpful.

In the meantime, try to breathe through the discomfort. Remind yourself that you are a badass, and that these feelings will pass.

 


Isabella Frappier is an Australian writer and a holistic Sexuality Doula, who specializes in body literacy and sexual sovereignty. She is also a host on the popular new Sex Magic Podcast. When she’s not busy championing her ssex-positiveagenda, she—oh wait—she’s always busy doing that. Follow her adventures on Instagram.
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