Sex Positions (To Approach With Caution!)
Everyone wants to show off that they’re a dynamo in bed and to do this, different sex positions are a must! It’s important to know there is more to our sex lives than just missionary. Variety is the spice of life and makes things extra spicy in the bedroom. There are a ton of sex positions under the sun and a lot of them should be tried at least once. But some of them are a bit too dangerous and straining to even try.
Here are six positions people claim to do but that I think don’t work out in real life. They are not really worth trying, unless you are a sexual dare-devil. So, just leave these sex positions to the professionals. You know, folks who are versed in the art of having sex on camera. Variety is good and necessary, but you don’t have to go too crazy.
1) Standing up: Unless your partner is light as a feather or you are stronger than a locomotive, this position will not work very well. Thrusting and literally bending over backwards while holding up another human being is a recipe for a major back injury. Leave this one to the acrobats.
2) Wheel Barrow: Not only for farmers apparently. To master this maneuver, you need to be very flexible and have exceptional upper body strength. It’s like the downward facing dog in yoga, except you have to stay there until the guy orgasms. You may blackout from being in that position for more than 5 minutes. Also, the height thing, if the person you are dating is too tall or too short, this position will not go as smoothly as you might think it would.
3) Water Fall: For this one, one of you has to be hanging off a bed. As you are hanging off the bed, there is a slight possibility you might just slip off the bed and break your neck. Oh no! Not very sexy at all.
4) Pool Humping: Chlorine. The smell of chlorine is not appetizing. Plus, the water is too darn cold, and a lot of people use the pool as a toilet. So gross. Then when you are done, people are swimming in semen. Even grosser. Just stay away from this one. Please. For everyones sake.
5) The Butter Churner: This one has to be a joke. The most insane part is that one partner is practically folded in half. And being on the bottom, upside down is so far from being flattering. Not to mention how uncomfortable it is. Meanwhile, the other has to squat over and pump away. There is no way this is sexy.
6) The Spider: Any position named after an animal seems to be bad. Both you and your partner are in an upward facing crab position. Then you have to inch toward each other until your genitals meet. Then it’s a balancing act of thrusting and staying in the crab position and looking sexy. This one strains your hands/wrists and legs, killing my lady boner quickly. I’m not a fan of doggy style, but *even that* seems less straining than this.
The fact that you are luck enough to have sex should really be enough in life. There is no need to do any of these, unless you are the type of person that loves to brag. Or an extreme athlete. Even then, running a marathon is more impressive than doing any of these uncomfortable and ridiculous positions. Sex is already awesome. Take it easy.