How to take Sex Risks & the Art of the Bounce Back
There is a real danger of getting into a rut when it comes to sex. We all have our “go to” ways to cum and how we have liked things to be done. If we only knew that out on the edge of our comfort zone and just beyond it, lies even more pleasure and fun, we might be more inclined to take sex risks.
The reasons we don’t venture in uncharted territory can range from not wanting to disappoint a partner to being embarrassed or ashamed of our kinks to just plain laziness and apathy.
Let’s kick those excuses to the curb! It’s time to stretch our minds (and maybe bodies) to new levels.
“Go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.” — Jimmy Carter
While personally I don’t really find our former President to be particularly sexy, his quote is right on the money as far as taking sex risks in the bedroom. Without risks, there are fewer rewards.
Here are some ways to take sex risks in the bedroom that have the potential to reap large rewards:
If you usually go left, this time go right. Surprise your partner and yourself!
Find something in the moment you want to explore or do and then do it right away! (So long as it is within prior consent parameters).
In my class on femininity and BDSM, I tell my students that my goal is to place a little “slut angel” on their shoulder giving them permission to have the sex life they want.
Oftentimes, we simply lack “permission” from ourselves to go deeper into what turns us on and take some sex risks. That is usually because we have a subconscious belief that it is too “dirty.” Well, I say, get dirty!
Move toward your “dirty” feelings, not away from them. See what happens! If you can own your dirty thoughts, they can be a huge fuel to your libido and your sex life.
The reason some of us get bored in the bedroom is that we lost our curiosity, either about our bodies, the other person or about sex in general! There is sooooo much to explore in all areas of sex: masturbation, partnered sex, group play and otherwise.
See where your curiosity can lead you. For example, you might not have gone down on someone with a vulva before, but you’re curious. Ask questions, take a longer look at their body, focus on the sensation of the clit on your tongue. Always try to be learning more and feeling more.
Say whaaa? Safety is the opposite of “risk” right? Well, being safe in the context of taking a risk allows you to actually take the risk!
For example, let’s say you’re taking the risk to suggest to your partner that they let you tie them up. You need to first get consent, and also know how to protect their safety. Don’t take the kind of risks that land you or your partner in the ER!
So what happens if you take a risk and it doesn’t work? Don’t worry, because you can always bounce back!
The Bounce-Back: How To Recover When Sex Risks Go Wrong
I want to emphasize that the term “wrong” is not necessarily correct. If you try something new in the bedroom and it is met with a big fat “no”, a lackluster response, or even anger and disappointment, it doesn’t always mean something went “wrong”. It just means that you got feedback from your partner.
The most important thing to do is to listen and learn. And you can only truly do that effectively if you check your ego at the bedroom door. Don’t make it about you and your “performance.” (It can be difficult, I know.)
Communication before, during and after sex is very important when a risk goes haywire. Let’s say you decided to take a sex risk and surprise your lover with a huge butt plug, but didn’t think to ask if they like ass play. That is an example of not reading, communicating and listening to your partner. You shouldn’t be wildly guessing what they may like. You should have a pretty good idea.
To avoid confusion in the future and to open up a deep and honest conversation about sex, I suggest you read this article and take the questionnaire linked inside. You can each fill out whether each sex activity is a yes, no or maybe/curious about. Then compare your lists and see where you match up. If you are interested in getting into kink, you should also read this article together on how to have more kinky sex.
If your risk doesn’t pan out how you want it to, communicate in the moment. For example, if you wanted to try spanking your partner, and checked all the consent and communication boxes, ask your partner how they are feeling in the moment. Ask whether the spanking is too hard or soft or if you can change it in any way. You need to check in regularly. If your partner abruptly stops you, you don’t need to pepper them with questions, but wait until you have a moment to do a “de-briefing” with them.
In BDSM terms this is called “aftercare” but it can apply to any sexual scenario especially when someone is trying something completely new.
Apologize and have empathy. Don’t gaslight or minimize their emotional reaction. And really listen. Odds are your partner will feel heard and understood and this will create more positive feelings between you. The goal here is to not allow a setback to prevent further progress!
If your risk fails and your partner is angry, resentful or acts offended or judgmental, remember that you both can recover from the emotions of the moment. One way to neutralize negative feelings is to take a few breaths and invite a conversation. I like to ask “What didn’t you like as much?” and “What could I have done better or differently to have made it a better experience for you?”
Have a Laugh
Finally, a little humor goes a long way here. (Although don’t use humor if there was serious harm or major emotions flowing.) Try to have a laugh with your partner. Use self-deprecation and throw up your hands and say something funny about your attempt at a new sexual activity. This will help you recover and bounce back so that you can come at it with a new risk in the future.
After all, you can only be as good as you dare to be “bad.”
Emily Anne is a bestselling author, sex coach and educator, who specializes in helping people expand their sexual horizons through BDSM and kink. When she’s not obsessively talking about sex, she’s hiking through the Hollywood Hills. Get some sexy education on her Instagram feed!