Want To Know The #1 Sexiest Word To Say In Bed?

sexiest word blog sex with emily
sexiest word blog sex with emily

Photo by Alejandra Quiroz on Unsplash

Most people want to have vibrantly happy and exciting sex lives, and are seeking the magic keys to the orgasmic kingdom.

On our quest for pleasure, we seek new toys, new techniques, new locations, new positions, and even new dynamics.

However, few people actually know that the potentially sexiest word is already in their everyday vocabulary. 


So, What Is The Sexiest Word?

Have you ever wondered what the sexiest word to say in the bedroom is? Me too. In fact, I’ve studied it. In my work as a Sexuality Doula, I’ve spent years of my life studying sexuality, living and exploring it, and helping hundreds of people on their sexual liberation journeys. Over those years, I’ve collected more than a bit of anecdotal data. One of which being which the sexiest word to say in bed. Ever. Want to know what it is? 

Well sit down, brace yourself, and hold onto your hats, because this one’s a shocker. The sexiest word you can say in the bedroom is… “no”. 

No, I’m not teasing you or being cheeky, the sexiest word you can possibly say truly is “no”. So today I’m going to teach you why it’s so sexy, and how you can use it to your sexual advantage. 


The Power of No

“No” is an immensely powerful word. It can be used in a variety of sexual setting, all to delicious results. Based on my years collecting examples of “no” being sexy, it seems to boil down to these five key reasons:

1- It shows you’re clear on your boundaries, which helps facilitate safe and sexy play

2- Can be used for orgasm denial and edging

3- Expresses control and authority

4- Builds Suspense

5- Facilitates enthusiastic consent, which is f*cking sexy.

So today we are going to explore how and why to use “no” as the most fantastic new addition to your sex life. Plus how to celebrate where it already exists. 


All In The Delivery

It is important to note that delivery is pretty key with this one. Of course, delivery is pretty important during most aspects of sex. But when you’re using “no” as a sexual tool, it can become even more important. 

Be clear, be kind, and be specific with your partner about exactly what your “no” means.

Let’s dive into the sexy world of saying “no”, and get clear on the top five reasons why it’s so sexy, and how to use it. 


1- Clear Boundaries 

When you say “no” during sex, part of what you’re doing is expressing a clear boundary. Your partner absolutely cannot read your mind, and please don’t make them try. Not being able to read your mind isn’t a reflection on how much they want to sexually satisfy you. That’s why sexual communication is so important for healthy happy sex lives. 

Whether you’re engaging in any power play or not, saying “no” also shows your partner that they can trust your “yes” even more. It’s so important to be clear and vocal about what you do and don’t like. If it’s not a “heck yes” it’s a “no” or “I need an adjustment”. 

Saying “no” is so important to establish clear sexual boundaries. Particularly if you’re engaging in Dominance and submission dynamics, the Dominant partner needs to know their subs limits of course, but also to trust that their submissive will tell them when they are hitting a limit. 

A fun way to explore this dynamic is to plan a sex session with your lover where the goal is to get each other to use your safe words. This reassures each partner that the other will express themselves and their sexual boundaries. Discuss in advance what feels exciting and okay to explore, and if you’re stuck for ideas, try filling out this list together. 


2- Orgasm Denial & Edging

One of my absolute favorite ways to use the power of no in bed is through edging and orgasm denial

Orgasm denial is the practice of saying “no” to an orgasm. You can do it to yourself, or ask your partner for permission to climax and they say “no”. It can be practiced during solo or partnered sex. You might make the person wait for the course of one sex session, or perhaps for days, maybe even weeks. 

Edging is a form of orgasm denial. It’s when you get right up to the edge of an orgasm, and then back off, on repeat. Hence the name. Edging builds up a lot of sexual energy, and can feel very explosive when finally released. 


3- I’m In Charge

Using “no” during sex in an intentional, safe, and consensual way with your partner can be extremely sexy, especially if you’re into Dominance and submission play

Make sure to talk with your lover first before you explore this, or else it could be jarring, potentially triggering, and just generally very unsexy. 

Check out this blog for some my favorite ways to use “no” in bed in fun and kinky ways. 


4- Does “No” Mean “Never”?

Sometimes it does, and other times it doesn’t. If that sounds confusing, it’s because it is. But here’s the secret ingredient you need that will help you understand if a “no” means “not right now” or “not now, not ever”. All you have to do is ask. Yep, it’s that simple. 

When your partner says “no” you can say “I hear and respect your no. Why is this a boundary for you? Is this something you’d like to explore in the future or with some adjustment, or is this a hard limit for you?”. 

Using questions like this not only gives you a deeper understanding of your partner’s sexual makeup, it also helps you learn if this is an opportunity to completely stop,  one to build anticipation, or one that needs adjustment. 

For example, perhaps you try and initiate sex, but your partner is unsure. Instead of giving up on the idea of sex, ask them if they are open to you “inspiring them”, and what would be most erotic for them. It might be a foot massage, some oral sex, or being left alone in a bubble bath for a while before they’d like you to ask again. Of course, they may say they’re not open to being inspired right now, and that’s perfectly fine too. 


5- Consent is Key

Consent is so important for healthy sexual relationships, even if (and sometimes especially if) you’re in a long-term committed relationship. Don’t assume you have “ongoing consent” for everything.

My favorite way to highlight how sexy this is by sending couples back to basics on consent within their dynamic. 

For example, try scheduling a play session with your partner with the intention that you must ask consent for everything. Instead of heading straight downtown, you might first ask “may I lick your inner thigh?” and “would you grace me with the opportunity to suck your penis?”. 

This practice takes you back to the time when you were uncertain about each other, and reveled in your bodily autonomy, even if it felt a little daunting in the moment. While intimacy thrives on familiarity and “sameness”, eroticism lives in mystery and uncertainty. so bring a little into your bedroom tonight.  


I hope you enjoyed learning all about how sexy and powerful the word “no” can be. Trying out some of these tools in your own sex life? We’d love to hear about it, drop us a line and let us know how it goes!


Isabella Frappier is an Australian ex-pat living in LA, who swapped gumtrees for palm trees. She’s a writer and a holistic Sexuality Doula, who specializes in body literacy, sexual sovereignty, and BDSM.
She is also a host on the popular new Sex Magic Podcast. When she’s not busy championing her sex positive agenda, she—oh wait—she’s always busy doing that. Follow her adventures on Instagram.
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