How To Turn On Your Sexual Pilot Light (& Keep It Lit)

sexual pilot light blog sex with emily
sexual pilot light blog sex with emily

Via Pinterest, Artist unknown.20

It’s easy to place the responsibility of your sexual energy onto a lover.

We can blame a partner for having a libido that doesn’t match ours.

Perhaps pointing to the absence of a current sexual partner as the reason for a lack of sexual arousal.

But is outsourcing your sexual energy a good idea, and a sustainable option?

Here’s how to take charge of your sexual energy, turn on your sexual pilot light, and keep it lit.

Because the truth is, outsourcing any aspect of your sexuality to another person isn’t a good or sustainable option. This includes your self-image, sexual energy, libido, arousal, orgasms, literally any part of your sexuality. It’s important to fill up your own sexual cup before giving anyone else’s a ‘cheers’.


But that’s easier said than done, so here’s my advice and support for your sexual liberation journey.


Pleasure Priorities

What do you prioritize in your day? “Efficiency, order, success, and finances” are the most common answers I hear from my clients. However, when asked about their long term goals and driving forces in life, the answers often change. Normally they answer those questions with “love, connection, family, health, and happiness”.

So why is there such a big disconnect for most people between what they want and what they do? Priorities.

It’s hard to feel sexy when there is a mountain of dishes, a pile of dirty laundry, bills to be paid, money to be earned, kids to be fed, you get it. However, the reality is that those types of un-sexy practical things will always be there. New to-do lists are written before the last is even finished.

So, bearing in mind that the practical realities of life will always be present, how do we find the motivation (and create the time) for pleasure?



Embracing Sensuality

It’s pretty hard to go from being efficient and productive all day to languid and sexual when the timing for sex is right. Being stuck in your head and disconnected from your body, and then trying to slip into sex mode is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. The cure is in embracing sensuality.

Sexuality and sensuality are two very different terms that are often used interchangeably, which is a mistake. Sensuality is the process of seeking enjoyment and fulfillment of all your senses. Sexuality is the engagement of your sexual energy. So, you can experience sensuality in sexual moments, and even experience sexuality in sensual moments, but they are not the same.

When you lean into your sensuality, you enter an inquisitive relationship with yourself. One where during the hustle and bustle of life, you look for moments that bring pleasure. Instead of focusing on the frustration of traffic, you notice how warm the car seat feels on your thighs. Slowing down to savor a piece of fruit. Relishing in its flavor, scent, juiciness, instead of rushing through a snack on auto-pilot.


Engaging in your sensuality helps keep the pilot light of your sexuality on. Which makes it a lot easier to tap into your sexuality when you want to. Try being as present to your pleasure as possible this week, and see if you notice a difference! 


Turning On Your Sexual Pilot Light

The fundamentals of keeping your pilot light turned on can be helpful for everyone. Unaffected by divisive elements like gender, busyness, relationship status, these principles can be helpful to anyone. Experiment like a sexy scientist and explore what works best for you.

1- Prioritize pleasure

2- Embrace sensuality

3- Self Care! Not just bath bombs and cupcakes, I’m talking lots of restorative self-care, the kind that boosts yummy self-love vibes.

4- Celebrating your body and your sexuality by yourself


During this process of exploration, you will likely find specific things that really help you personally. For me, it’s erotic solo dancing and sensual self-portraits. Embrace and honor what works best for you.


Keeping Your Sexual Pilot Light On!

Once you’ve turned on your sexual pilot light for yourself, you’ll be loving all the benefits and wanting to keep it on. It can be challenging, I’m not going to lie! It’s easy to slip back into old patterns and habits.

The key is noticing yourself slipping, and asking yourself what you’re choosing to prioritize instead, then making adjustments. Don’t judge yourself, just re-evaluate and then set yourself up for success.

I always recommend scheduling sex with yourself. If I don’t schedule it with myself, I get busy and forget. Then I feel disappointed and start backsliding. Make sensuality a priority to you, and trust me, you’ll be thanking me in no time.



Isabella Frappier is an Australian ex-pat living in LA, who swapped gumtrees for palm trees. She’s a writer and a holistic Sexuality Doula, who specializes in body literacy, sexual sovereignty, and BDSM.
She is also a host on the popular new Sex Magic Podcast. When she’s not busy championing her sex positive agenda, she—oh wait—she’s always busy doing that. Follow her adventures on Instagram.
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