Sexual Soulmates: If You Want it to Work, You Gotta Work It

Most people believe in the idea of soulmates. That one person who’s not only our best friend, but our favorite person to get jiggy with. What happens if sex with The One isn’t good anymore? Or, worse yet, it never was? Does that mean we weren’t actually meant to be? According to a recent study, no, not at all! In fact, the study suggests it’s this idea of sexual soulmates and sexual destiny that’s unhealthy. That it could be the actual reason your sex life is suffering.

I, for one, love the idea of soulmate-soulmates and want to believe mine is out there somewhere. But I’ve finally thrown this idea of The One being my sexual soulmate in the garbage. That’s exactly the fantasy that led me to pursue some pretty terrible relationships, as well as not pursuing ones that may have been really great.

One of the biggest lessons I learned from all this sex was that magical unicorn compatibility doesn’t always mean magical unicorn type sex. In other words, bad sex does NOT mean a bad relationship, and vise versa. Men who are really good in bed can at times be very bad at relationships. I’d rather be with a great guy who’s teachable than a bad man who’s an oral sex guru.

One of my biggest fears was that I’d end up like Charlotte in Sex and the City. That poor girl dated a plethora of men until she finally found The One—her rich, knight in shining armor. However, this prince had bedroom troubles and that pretty much ruined their marriage. Or rather, their inability to find ways around it, is what ruined their marriage. Since sex is such a crucial part of relationships, how does one resolve this? If I’d been Charlotte, I would have amped up our foreplay, or I would have bought some kinky sex toys or watched porn with him. I would have asked him what we ways we can explore together. Whatever! Because, like most things, great sex takes work. And being lazy or fearful in your sex life (or thinking  could destroy your relationship with The One.

So, yes, it’s totally possible that the sex life with your soulmate isn’t  instant magic or the best you’ve ever had. But fear not! Unlike the person who’s bad at life but good in bed, it’s easy to change the bad in bed part. I’ve schooled soooo many men between the sheets, turning lovers who were lackluster into a musician of my sexual strings. So there’s no reason to worry if you don’t seem sexually compatible with The One– that can be fixed!

As long as you have these four things, you can make practically any partner your sexual soulmate:


Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way:

Willingness. Sounds easy, right? Not really. What’s way easier is to fall into redundant, boring sex and then complain about it to your friends. Or, have an affair, which will probably ruin your marriage and make you hate yourself. Blaming your partner entirely for your dissatisfaction or giving up on them by having an affair are the easy ways out. What’s hard is being willing to try something new, to open up the conversation. Sometimes, that means admitting maybe you don’t know everything about sex or aren’t all that “spectacular” at it. Or that maybe, you need to open up and try new things. It could be that you’ve been a little selfish, and need to work hard at pleasing your partner, and learn what pleases you, too. People who are the most miserable in bed are usually the ones who have unrealistic expectations or they aren’t willing to do anything to make things better.


Comments, Anyone?:

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve let a guy lick the wrong part of my clit for 20 minutes because I was too embarrassed or afraid to tell him to move a half an inch higher. Being honest and direct instead of passive and a martyr is hard. It involves being vulnerable, and it means risking them being upset with you. But if you want your relationship with The One to last, you better man or woman up and take a chance. No one is a mind reader (unless you’re dating Dr. X), so if you never speak up, your partner will never know they weren’t satisfying you. Nothing causes a breakup faster than unsatisfied lovers who think their partners are lackluster or “selfish” in bed, when really, all they needed to do was speak up.


Not All Cut From the Same Cloth:

They can be your soulmate and know you better than you know yourself and still not have a clue where your G-spot is. Hell, it took me 20 years of sleeping around to find it myself. Good sex lives take a lot of trying and self-exploration to get it right. That means exploring your partner, too. There is no rule book or blue print for good sex. In fact, our attachment to this notion will kill any sex life. For instance, some women can have vaginal orgasms, but many others can’t. They need that clitoral stimulation– and how and where to involve the clit varies drastically.

Same goes for men! Every guy I’ve slept with likes a different part of his penis touched, no joke. And balls? I’m terrified of them. Some men want them touched, licked, hummed to, but others don’t. Because of this, I’m so afraid of balls! So, I ask a lot of questions instead of making assumptions. Some men like a finger in the butt, but you might scare the crap out of another if you try without asking. One guy once told me he’s glad I didn’t assume he liked that, and would have felt super violated if I’d done it. I don’t want to violate anyone! Penises and vulvas are like snowflakes and should be treated as such.


Keep Up the Creativity:

This is a tough one for married couples. I get bored with the same sex routine after like two weeks. I can’t imagine how any couple could last for 10 or 20 years if they don’t change it up once in awhile. Personally, I don’t like anal, but I know I’m going to end up trying it again one day because most the men I’ve dated like it. Hey, maybe I’ll even love it one day. How will I know if I don’t try? I used to be against a lot of things, but just like my pallet, as I’ve gotten older, my taste has changed. Doggy style used to make me uncomfortable because I like to see the face of the guy I’m screwing. Now it’s my favorite position because it’s the only one where I am guaranteed to orgasm. Who knows what’s next. Nipple clips? Anal beads? Maybe even letting my lover lick my butt. Well, I still don’t like that idea, but if it saves my relationship, I’m willing to try anything once.


The point is, sexual soulmates aren’t exclusive to one person. Anyone can be a sexual soulmate, but not everyone can be a soulmate-soulmate. Like all good things, a good sex life requires effort– and thank god for that. Otherwise we’d all end up like Charlotte, and I can’t think of a worse sexual fate.



Melanie Hamlett is a writer, storyteller, comedian and public speaker based out of LA. She’s also a regular on the Risk! podcast, creator of Smashing Stories and performs regularly when she’s not sleeping in the back of her truck in the woods or living abroad.


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