Spank Me, Baby, One More Time!

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When we were little, we avoided a spanking. Now it’s all the rage, but if you’re a newbie, how do you get started on the spanking craze?

Here are some simple tips for beginning spankers and spankees.  



Brand Spanking New Terminology

The person doing the spanking is called the spanker or “top”.  The receiver of the spanking is called the spankee or “bottom”.

The “implement” you use for spanking would be either your hand (bare or gloved) or another tool such as a belt, strap, paddle, whip, cane, flogger, etc.  You can even use a wet or dry hand towel if you are in a hurry or traveling. Because this article is intended for beginners, it will focus primarily on bare-handed spanking, a favorite of novices and advanced tops/bottoms alike!

The strike area (or “target”) is the area you will be impacting with your hand or implement.


Consent is key

Before you swing that hand or paddle, remember that the butt you are about to spank is attached to a human who must first consent to the impact.

Make sure you have a conversation about what areas of the body you are allowed to spank, and how hard.  I find a lot of spanking conversations start AFTER someone tries to spank. Not ideal. If you know your partner well, this might be fine if you do a light tapping first, but it’s really not the best way to start – always communicate and get full consent before slapping that ass. Often “unplanned” spankings can have a negative effect because the bottom is mentally unprepared, or ‘implied consent’ is violated.

Get a clear understanding of what your bottom’s mental/emotional needs are as far as spanking is concerned. Why do they want to be spanked? What fantasy does it fulfill for them? Would they like some role play to be involved?


If this is your first time including some BDSM elements into your sex life, make sure to brush up on the fundamentals first. 

The types of spanking can be for many different reasons -such as punishment (“blissipline”),  physical pleasure, or psychological eroticism.  For example, if your partner just really likes the feeling of spanking and/or punishment, then finding a place in the middle of the buttocks or further away from the genitals might be the way to go. On the other hand, if you spank near the bottom of the buttocks, it could cause arousal since it is nearer the genitals.


Warm that booty up

After I had been giving and receiving spankings for a while, I thought I knew pretty much what there was to know about spanking (seems simple right?).  I recently took a spanking class and watched as the instructor warmed up the cheeks on her partner, and demonstrated how to “prepare” for a good spanking. I have since tried this technique and I think it definitely enhances the experience for both the spanker and the spankee.

Start by slowing and gently rubbing the target area in circles with the palm of your hand. Begin with small circles and work outwards, increasing the pressure of the rubbing as you go.  Rub one cheek/area and then another. This warms the area and prepares it for impact. In addition, it psychologically prepares your spanking partner for what is about to come.

Another idea for “preparation” for the top, especially if you are going to use implements like a belt, is to try out your skills on a pillow first. Sort of like target practice.  Once you get the hang of the speed and force and can manage to strike in the same place repeatedly, you are ready to begin on your bottom. On your bottom’s bottom. You get it. 


Technique and safety considerations

There is no “one-size-fits-all” technique for spanking.  Everyone has different levels of pain tolerance and motivation.  However, the following is a basic method you can follow, along with some safety tips.


Choose your implement.  

If you are using a belt, do not allow the buckle to hit the target. Ever. When using your hand, keep it relaxed enough that you can enjoy the spanking and not hurt yourself.  You can choose to either do more of a slap or a thud action. If you prefer the slap, spread your fingers out more. If you prefer more of a thud, try very slightly cupping your hand.  As a bottom, I tend to prefer a thud to a slap, as the stinging from a hard slap can sometimes pull me out of the mood.

Intensity and tempo.  

Similar to how you should cook scrambled eggs, you need to start “low and slow”.  Check in with your partner to see how they are doing. You can incorporate some fun verbal play, such as requiring your bottom to count spankings or the classic “thank you, may I have another” (ok that sounds like a line from a frat movie, but you get the idea). As you get more comfortable, you might find a groove and vary your tempo.  A top I played with recently used a technique I really liked which I call “machine gun fire”; rapid spankings interspersed with low and slow – I found it incredibly erotic and it provided even more suspense.

Target areas. 

You will want to choose target areas that have thick muscles or padding. Thus, the buttocks are usually the best place, or the back of the thighs (which are more sensitive). You should avoid the kidney area, the spine, and any area where bones near the surface. Don’t forget that as good as you think your aim might be, your partner might move and cause you to veer off course.

Perfect Positions.

You can position your partner in many different ways, such as bent over your knee, on hands and knees, leaning across the bed, up against a wall, or bent over a chair. Heck, even the kitchen counter is a fun place to bend them over. 



If you are a bottom, make sure you remember to breathe. If you’re a Top, watch your bottom and remind them to breathe if you notice them holding their breath or hissing through their teeth. Breathing not only keeps you calm but it allows you the capacity to communicate your limits (both physical and psychological) to your top. You and your top should talk about a rating system for the intensity of the spanking, from lowest to highest severity such as from 1 (I can barely feel anything) to 10 (I can’t take any more). During the session, the top can check-in and ask where on the scale the strikes are landing.  You also should use a safe word such as “red” which indicates a full and immediate stop.


If you have done your warm up and gone “low and slow” in the beginning, you will have likely reduced the intensity of bruising.  But bruising is still likely, so make sure to ice the area if you so desire, and take vitamin E. Topical use of calendula and very gentle massage may be helpful in healing bruising. 

The top should find out if the bottom was ok with the intensity, and ask what they did or didn’t like about the spanking. Reassure your bottom with some soft touch and compliments.


When done correctly, spanking can be an incredible way to spice up your sex life. So get spankin’!


Emily Anne is a bestselling author, sex coach and educator, who specializes in helping people expand their sexual horizons through BDSM and kink. When she’s not obsessively talking about sex, she’s hiking through the Hollywood Hills. Get some sexy education on her Instagram feed
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