That Awkward Moment: 50 Shades of Grey Editions
Have you ever experienced a truly mortifying “caught masturbating” moment? Maybe your mom walked in on you mid-session, scarring you for life? Or your girlfriend stumbled across you with your pants down, laptop in hand while porn grunting? Well, no matter what happened, I guarantee you: There is a man in Germany who has got you beat!
Last Tuesday, German police made a quick stop at a home in the swanky Schwabing district in Munich. They were there to check on a 57-year-old man who, according to the neighbor who contacted the authorities, had not been seen in several days.
When they arrived at the property, they found a seemingly empty house – no answer to the doorbell, 3 days’ worth of newspapers on the stoop, a locked front door. However, when they peered in through the mail slot, they saw a single light on and reported hearing “faint woozy murmurs”, which led them to break through the door.
Police found the resident lying handcuffed and semi-conscious on the kitchen floor. The man was wearing only two items of clothing: his underwear and a pair of women’s boots. He had been trapped in this position for 3 days. So, what’s German for “Well, this is awkward”?
The police were able to un-cuff the man, using keys found in his home, and sent him off to the hospital. He was reported as being “weak and dehydrated” and a little sore, but was not considered to be “in critical condition”.
The police refused to comment on exactly HOW the man came to be trapped in the handcuffs. They did, however, release a statement that it was assumed to be an autoerotic accident, as there were no signs of foul-play.
A few lessons can be learned from this man’s unfortunate experience:
- Bondage is a much better game played for two. But, if you do decide to go all “50 Shades of Grey” solo, make sure to opt for an easy-release method of restraints
- When practicing risky sex activities, consider your outfit beforehand. I’m sure if this guy had any idea of what was to come, he might have re-thought the ladies’ boots.
- Always say hello to your neighbors.
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