Unsexy Self Talk: Change Your Negative Sex & Dating Thoughts

self talk blog sex with emily

self talk blog sex with emilyBeing positive about the world of sex and dating can be very difficult.

We’re surrounded 24/7 by impossible beauty standards, a laundry list of ‘ideal types’ and have our own personal pet peeves and insecurities. Our self talk can easily slip into the negative side. 

Often what we are told to strive for is not only dangerous to our mental and emotional health, but an actual impossibility.

Here are some ways to identify, cope with, and rewrite negative and damaging self-talk around sex and dating. 



Before you even start thinking about rewriting your self talk, it’s important to have the ammunition and capital to do so. It’s proven that eight minutes of physical activity a day releases endorphins and serotonin in the brain. By giving yourself this physical boost of energy, it’ll be much easier to begin the process of turning that frown upside down. It’s important to look at this activity as a lifestyle and not a means to an end. Do not DJ Tanner and tape pictures of models in front of the treadmill. Connecting physical activity to loving your body, and owning your space is key. Think of working out as climbing up a mountain – when you get to the top, what a beautiful view. Then, it’s time to climb the next mountain. 



Identifying HOW you react to situations is important. When do I get upset and why? When do I get frustrated? What makes me happy? What makes me sad? By identifying these triggers and stimuli, one can then begin to categorize. What control do I have over these emotions? Is someone the source of making me feel bad about dating and sexuality? Is the source coming from inside the house? 



Once you identify these emotional responses, it’s important to begin rewriting the neural pathways for self talk. The next time someone says ‘Oh, you’re not my type’ or you decide ‘I’m just not into that person’ switch to the conscious side of your thought process. How do you usually deal with that moment – crying, eating ice cream, giving in to self doubt – and try something new. Look in the mirror and tell yourself ‘just because this person specifically is not into me, doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love, attention, and sexual gratification.’ Rewriting the stimuli into a positive way by rewarding your perseverance rather than your fear. Your brain will begin to unconsciously make choices out of your growth rather than your fear. 



It’s then important to look carefully at who the people you are dating/being intimate with. Are they contributing to your damaging self-image, are they feeding insecurities and lowering your self-worth? Or are they building you up and you’re just not able to receive what they’re saying. It’s helpful to use others around you as a litmus test both for how you feel about yourself and how others perceive you. 



Cutting out toxic infiltrations of media is so important. Studies show that social media and tv/film when used at an above average rate, can contribute to depression and anxiety. What is the media that you are consuming? Are you constantly looking at other people on social media and wishing you were in their shoes? Stalking your exes and wondering what life would be like if you were back together? Are you reading about celebrities and thinking if only you were a little taller, skinnier, lighter skinned, more conventionally attractive, that people would want you? Try a media blackout – 48 hours without going on social media or watching something that may trigger you. Practicing how to engage with social media will help us see ourselves in a positive light and rewire us for positive self talk.



Dating is a marathon, especially in today’s digital age. It’s hard to constantly wear your heart on your sleeve and be expected to pick yourself up after rejection or a break up, or even during intimate moments. But continually moving toward loving yourself. Create a mental, emotional, and physical infrastructure in which your growth takes priority. This will put you on the road toward having a healthy dating and sex life. Dating is a journey, not a destination. And sex is all the fun pit stops along the way. Enjoy the stops. Don’t be embarrassed to be there. 




Lumi Park is a writer, foodie, and Capricorn, from the cornfields of Ohio. He once won a NYC bartending award, a Brooklyn-wide comic book Trivia Bowl, and went to nationals two years in a year for the sport of jump roping. He is oddly not competitive. 

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