When Sex Gets Scary
As much as we’d like to believe that sex is always an effortlessly romantic affair, that’s sadly just not the case. Sex can be magical… poetic even, but it can also be messy, uncomfortable and downright awkward. So it’s inevitable that by the time you reach the status of expert-level lover, you’ll have at least a few skeletons in your sex closet.
Amid our stories of the BEST SEX EVER, we collect horrific tales of sex positions gone terribly wrong, vibrators gone missing on family vacations, accidentally breaking off a lover’s turn signal lever with a donkey kick in a fit of passion… Okay, maybe those are just my horror stories, but you get the picture.
These scary sex situations are kind of like ghost stories, cautionary tales for future trysts. They get passed down from friend to friend, right along with the one about the hitchhiker with a hook for a hand.
So with Halloween right around the corner, I think it’s the perfect time to share some of these terrifying tales of sex gone scary. From bad lighting to nightmarish toy malfunctions, I’m breaking down 4 of the more common scary sex situations and providing tricks to help you protect yourself!
Story #1: The Tale of the Terrible Lighting
It’s a dark and stormy night, and you’re finally bringing your new beau back to your place to do the dirty for the first time. You’ve changed the sheets, you’ve dusted your dresser, you’ve stashed your dirty laundry somewhere safe, you are ready to make magic. As you fall back onto your clean bed together, you smoothly reach up to turn off the lights and then…
“I don’t want to do it with the lights off,” he says. “I want them on. I want to SEE every bit of your body while I‘m pleasuring it.”
He probably thinks he’s being romantic and sensual and whatever else the latest Cosmo told him he should be, but these sentiments are lost on you. Now you’re regretting your decision to only shave below the knee and wishing you’d abstained from those 4 pieces of sourdough bread at dinner. You’re staring up at the oppressive overhead lights that came with your barebones apartment, cursing the day you decided to save money on installing a dimmer. As you undress in the harsh glare of unflattering fluorescent lighting, you can actually feel it draining your confidence until you’re feeling as sexy as a bag of bones.
Luckily, you are a big believer in the healing power of aromatherapy and have stocked up on mini Emily & Tony massage candles. Before you undress completely, you fire up a few of those miniature candles and voila! Everything looks a little sexier in the soft glow of candlelight, am I right?
Story #2: The Latex-orcist
It’s a risk you run with any new partner: The fear of the unknown. Over dinner or drinks or Tinder messaging, you might have exchanged some pertinent information: Where you work, where you went to school, Seinfeld or Frasier? There are certain topics that don’t come up until it’s too late… Allow me to set the scene.
You and your new sex partner have just stumbled back to your place for a night cap. Maybe you’re drunk, whether it’s on lust or from the 4 shots of tequila you took at the bar, but in the heat of the moment, you still remember to pull out protection! Flash forward through the foreplay, the condom is secure and you’re going for the main event when suddenly there is a burning sensation like you’ve never felt before. Your genitals feel like they are on fire, and suddenly you remember… You’re extremely allergic to latex. Now instead of getting off, you’re getting in line at the 24-Hour Pharmacy, counting the moments until you can get home and into a cold shower.
The Power of Polyisoprene Compels You:
I don’t care if you’re male or female, gay or straight, single or taken — If there is even the slightest chance of you having sex on any given day, you should always be carrying YOUR OWN condoms. But what happens when your secret weapon for worry-free sex becomes the stuff of nightmares?
If you want to make sure that a pesky latex allergy never brings your sex life to a screaming halt, you should carry the type of protection that is safe for all sex partners! Lifestyles’ SKYN condoms are 100% latex-free because they are made of polyisoprene. They are also the closest feeling to wearing no condom at all, but are strong enough to withstand even the wildest sex sessions.
Story #3: Curse of the One Minute Man
We’ve all heard those spooky tales of the man who is a normal guy by day, but every once in awhile, he transforms into something completely different. Whether it’s a full moon or a moment of unbridled excitement, this man is a slave to his own nature. He may make a mess, he may end the party early, but deep down he is just a man who wishes he could control these occasional random outbursts. And as awkward as he may feel the next morning, he really can’t be blamed for the things he does when he loses control. No I’m not talking about the Wolf Man; I’m referring to a much less dangerous, yet more misunderstood, fellow: the One Minute Man.
When you first meet him, this man looks like any other guy on the street. He’s charming, smart and intelligent AKA a real catch. But once you hit the bedroom and things start to heat up, you can see him start to transform in front of your very eyes. His breathing quickens, his eyes get wide and he lets loose a long primal howl… Then it’s all over. Now he’s embarrassed, trying to find his clothes, and you’re wondering if it was the full moon or your new lingerie, or if a much greater problem lies beneath the surface.
Break the Curse for Good
Rather than busting out your silver bullet (vibrator) and putting the poor guy out of his misery, you can help him overcome his affliction with the assistance one very special serum. Promescent is the only FDA-approved delay spray, with a unique lidocaine formula that can help men last up to twice as long as they normally would in bed. He’ll be so thankful for the extra help that he will hopefully direct his passion toward new animalistic activities.
Story #4: Night of the Completely Dead Batteries
I know the ladies will feel me on this one. Imagine you’re winding down from a long hard week by treating yourself to a girl’s night in. You’ve just gotten out of a relaxing bath to a room lit by an array of mood-setting candles. You’ve got your favorite baby-making playlist serenading you softly as you settle in for a much-needed self-love session. Your hand creeps into your bedside table and pulls out your favorite sex toy.
Soon you’re lost in the moment, falling into your perfect pleasurable rhythm when your vibrator starts to twitch and sputter and seize in your hand. You know what’s happening, you’ve experienced this before: It’s dying, and you don’t have much time to before it’s gone completely (just like your orgasm).
You dash to the kitchen, tear apart your cabinets, only to find ONE SINGLE AAA BATTERY. You abandon hope, and lay the lifeless body of your favorite sex toy back in its drawer, may it RIP.
Battery-operated vibrators have the life expectancy of an ensemble cast member in a B-list horror film. As much as you might love the drama of a sex toy with an expiration date, it’s time to ditch your out of date lover for a more compatible model.
If you really want to experience masturbation magic, you need to invest in a vibrator that is dependable, durable and completely unplugged, like the brand new updated Magic Wand. The Magic Wand Rechargeable is the same vibrator you know and love, but is now liberated from your bedroom wall. You can plug in and play, or take your masturbation on the go.