Why won’t he kiss me?

Dear Emily,

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 2 years and we live together now. He has been married before and had horrible experiences with showing his feelings and being rejected for doing so. He  has hard time sharing his feelings because of this. One thing that bothers me is that he just never french kisses… Its kind of like we go from zero to BAM with foreplay then sex.  Not much kissing unless we have been drinking and I typically initiate sex. I have told him it bothers me and he just kinda blows it off like “no, babe…we do kiss…”. He agrees he needs to initiate more.  He said once when he was drinking that he feels like “if he tells me how he really feels then I will leave.” It’s like it bothers him that I bring it up so I try not to.  We get along great. Have totally amazing sex. Totally connect sexually (except for this). Both of us are into kinky sex (bondage,etc.) and have even went to two nudist camps together so we are very open in that sense..So, from your point of view what’s the deal? He tells me he loves me and he does show it. He’s 38 and I’m 30.

Thanks!

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

His lack of intimacy in sex reflects his fear of showing his emotions. He goes straight from foreplay to sex without spending the time to kiss and connect with you emotionally. He doesn’t know how to be intimate and show his affection.  Or perhaps I’m over-analyzing and he just wants to get to the sex as quickly as possible.

You need to express that foreplay is essential to your enjoyment. Not only does foreplay help you get aroused and ready for sex, but it also makes sex more meaningful.

What you need from him is more french kissing and more honesty about his emotions. He can just evade you with ”no, babe…” He needs to own up to his feelings and give you the intimacy you deserve.

Remind him that his relationship with his ex-wife is completely different from his relationship with you. If you have a strong relationship built on trust you should be able to share your true feelings. Human emotion isn’t always pretty, and part of being in an intimate relationship is letting someone see every part of you. Men especially have a difficult time with this because they are taught to hide their emotions. You need to explain to him that he didn’t get rejected in the past because he showed his emotions. He got rejected because of emotional damage in the relationship that could not be resolved.

People think that if they keep their emotions bottled up they can protect themselves from being vulnerable. But if you repress your emotions they will manifest themselves in some other way, whether it be in an argument, or in anxiety, or passive aggression.  Even if you don’t admit your feelings, they are still real and very powerful. It’s better to embrace them, deal with them, and hope the ones you love will understand.

xxx,

Emily

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