It Could Be Worse… Sex Fails
Many have equated the act of having sex to the act of eating pizza: even if it’s not that good, it’s still pretty good. Being that sex and pizza are my two favorite things in this vice-filled world, I would like to call bullsh*t. While it can be difficult for pizza or sex to be completely disappointing, it definitely happens.
Hopefully the amount of crazy, amazing sex you’re having outweighs the mediocre and unsatisfactory bouts, but it’s not going to be sunshine and rainbows every time. For those of us who have had a good amount of sexual excursions in their life, there has tobe at least one horror story you’d like to keep behind closed doors. No matter how bad the sex is, though, it can always be worse. Much, much worse.
If you’ve ever felt like you’ve got the worst sex fail of them all, here are a few true stories of sex gone horribly, horribly wrong. You know, for reassurance.
Hickeys; the proof of a high school make-out sesh, or embarrassing reminder of a drunken adult hookup. Usually, that’s all they are. For one unlucky individual, a seemingly harmless hickey turned into a mark of death.
Seventeen-year-old Julio Macias Gonzalez had been eating a meal with his family when he suddenly started convulsing. Paramedics finally arrived, but Gonzalez was already dead. What happened to the poor boy? Earlier that day, Gonzalez’s girlfriend gave him such a large hickey, she created a blood clot in his neck, resulting in a stroke. She sucked on his neck so hard, it disrupted his blood flow. Talk about a modern-day vampire. So, don’t be afraid to cut off an over-eager sucker.
Too Eager for the Beaver
We’re all guilty of getting overzealous at times, especially when it comes to sex. We go too fast, or try to jump right in, and with all those juices, it can get mighty slippery. For one particular man, a night of wild sex on the beach turned into a cautionary tale in patience.
Upon a romantic romp in the sand, a man misjudged the length of his member, pulled out too far, and rammed his dick right into his partner’s leg. Doesn’t sound too bad though, right? Take a break, take a second to get that boner back, and you’re good to go. Wrong. Oh, so wrong. He hit it so hard, his penis snapped. SNAPPED. Into a Z, turned purple, and swelled up. Although he came out of it with his life, his penis took a long, not so hard road to recovery.
Electric Nip Slip
When you’ve been married for awhile, you have to change things up in the bedroom, and if you don’t have the right tools on hand, you have to get even more creative. But, when summoning your inner MacGyver, you have to make sure you’re doubling up on the safety.
While having an electric sex life is usually a metaphor, some people like to take it to a literal level. A Pennsylvania couple were having a normal round of foreplay, clamping a cord onto the wife’s nipples, and repeatedly plugging the cord into an electrical strip. The fourth switch of electricity was so intense, instead of being thrust into an electrical frenzy of orgasm, the woman shorted out, and keeled over. To make matters worse, the husband lied initially about how she was electrocuted, you know, to keep from being labeled a sex fiend, and ended up in jail for murder. Talk about a shocking turn of events.
Doesn’t a Lion Safari through Zimbabwe sound like an amazingly beautiful, majestic experience? For one particular couple, it was definitely breathtaking alright..
A man and woman were so turned one day, they decided a quickie next to a pride of lions couldn’t hurt. While the nice, tall grass easily hid them from human onlookers, the large felines nearby felt a little peeved. Now, if someone were on my lawn having sex, I’d shoo them away with a yell. The lions have a little bit more of a temper than I, and led with a roar and a pounce, and ended with an unexpected lunch. The boyfriend fled on foot, and being the gentleman that he is, totally left his girlfriend to be human cat food. He was found wearing only a condom, and while it’s great they used protection, safe sex also means staying away from wild animals.
While some of us are privy to the pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation, it remains a mystery to others. Cutting off the flow of oxygen can intensify your climax, but a line has to be drawn somewhere. Even those experienced in the act can get a little… overzealous.
David Carradine, a master in martial arts, was very experienced in the art of kicking ass and kinky sex. One night while on vacation in Thailand, the famous kung-fu warrior got a little carried away with choking himself while masturbating, and choked himself to death. He was found hanging from a rope in his closet, naked, with another rope tied around his penis and wrist. Hopefully he was able to actually get that last orgasm in before he kicked the bucket.
So, before you go around telling everyone about how incredibly bad that one night stand was last night, remember, it can always be worse.