Your Future Online Boyfriend

There are so many online dating sites that finding a site that fits your dating needs is similar to choosing a boyfriend. If you are looking for someone with a particular background and religion you might have an easier time selecting a site. It gets a little bit trickier with the more general websites like eHarmony and Match.com. To make your search a little easier I reduced complex websites into oversimplified and somewhat cruel caricatures of themselves. Perhaps you’ll see the silver lining in one of these made-up mates…

Hi, I’m Austin from OkCupid and I’m 25.
I like to hike when I’m not too hungover.

Favorite Food: Pho
Where you’ll find me: At a whisky bar or the park
Where you won’t find me: At Church (unless I’m being ironic)
What I’m looking for: Someone who shares the same taste in music and books as me. Not that I care about online dating or anything.
Do you find glasses on the opposite sex attractive? Dear God yes
Would you consider having sex in a graveyard? Yeah sure
Favorite Television series: A tie between The Wire and Arrested Development
Biggest Fear in Life: The meaninglessness of existence or some shit like that

 

Hi, I’m Mark from Match.com and I’m 32.
My motto: Work hard, play harder. But don’t get me wrong, I know how to keep it mellow and know how to treat a lady.

Favorite Food: Sushi
Where you’ll find me: A sports bar
Where you won’t find me: At a charity event that doesn’t involve sports
What I’m looking for: A long-term relationship if I meet the right person. I’m open to dating a bunch of people and seeing what happens though.
What is the worst kind of sandwich? A small one lacking layers of meat
Would you consider having sex in a graveyard? I’ll try anything twice (my other motto)
Favorite Television Series: Lost
Biggest Fear in Life: Never going skydiving again

 

Hi, I’m Steve from eHarmony and I’m 45.
My Golden Retriever has been a loyal companion for many years but I think I’m ready for an addition to the family!

Favorite Food: Italian
Where you’ll find me: Outside your window in the middle of the night
Where you won’t find me: In a used car
I’m looking for: Love and serious commitment. Preferably a Soulmate I can easily beat in scrabble
Would you date somebody who was a virgin at the age of 25? Yes!
Would you consider having sex in a graveyard? No…only if it would signify our eternal life together
Favorite Television Series: 24
Biggest Fear in Life: Being audited and dying alone

If somehow Austin, Mark, or Steve don’t suit your loving needs there is probably someone else out there in the universe of online dating who does. Beyond the stereotypes and shameless self-promotion are gems waiting to be plucked from most popular dating sites. Try eHarmony if you are middle-aged, looking for long-term commitment and marriage, and are willing to pay a little extra to find it. Sign up for Match If you want a bunch of options to sift through and don’t despise dating often. Try OkCupid if you are young, skeptical about dating online, and want to get laid. However you’ll find that there are always exceptions to the rules and people who fall outside the dating site’s target demographic. I know someone who is getting married after meeting ironically on OkCupid and another person on eHarmony who doesn’t even like Golden Retrievers.

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