Your Future Online Boyfriend

There are so many online dating sites that finding a site that fits your dating needs is similar to choosing a boyfriend. If you are looking for someone with a particular background and religion you might have an easier time selecting a site. It gets a little bit trickier with the more general websites like eHarmony and Match.com. To make your search a little easier I reduced complex websites into oversimplified and somewhat cruel caricatures of themselves. Perhaps you’ll see the silver lining in one of these made-up mates…

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SWE – Sexual Napalm

Ready to set the sheets ablaze with your lovemaking? According to John Mayer, Jessica Simpson’s the lady to ask for tips. But until you actually meet her and pop the question, today’s show should get you there with a guide to better french kissing and tips for how to lighten the mood before sex.

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Join Me for a Beer on the Roof

I started online dating as a joke. Alright I was somewhat serious about it. I spent hours on my profile answering questions just so. I drink, but only socially of course. I’m really good at hula-hooping and the first thing people usually notice about me is the giant gyrating hoop around my waist. Never be too serious and never admit too much.  Message me if you’re looking to join me on the roof for a beer.

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“Help. I’m a 34 Year Old Virgin”

Dear Emily,

Background: 34-year-old guy, virgin, never had a relationship.  This is due to my practically lifelong struggle with major clinical depression. The issues are largely resolved and I feel great!   I’m now out there trying to meet the right girl.Positive qualities: I’m handsome, make $80k a year good personality, responsible, and am fit. Negative qualities: I can’t think of any.

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Episode 330 – How to Successfully Date Online

Online dating is about marketing yourself. The first message you send someone is extremely important. Be specific and show them that you have common interests. Emily gives essential online dating advice to improve your experience and success rate.

Emily and Menace discuss the best famous landmarks to do it at, the pros and cons of dating a criminal, and should you tell her about your foot fetish?

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Episode 325 – Trick or Cheating

Emily goes on the Today show in New York and Menace gets sex wounds on his birthday. Emily and Menace celebrate Halloween by trying to figure out if your partner is trick or cheating– the signs that you are being cheated on. Also,  masturbation guilt and should Emily finally sign up for eHarmony?

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Episode 287 – Get More Sex!

No, it’s not an ad for hot local babes, although Emily and Menace do talk about live webcam girls today. More realistically, learn how to get your partner to have more sex, find out why your man might not want sex, and how to deal with marriage counseling and intimacy issues. Emily finally gets cable and shows off her FyreTV porn box, and Menace recaps a wild weekend after drunk tweeting. In the wide world of sex, a woman sues for sexless marriage, and a sperm donor has 150 kids.

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