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Ask Emily

Q: Dear Emily:

I’m a gay woman who can’t really get off from vaginal penetration, but I like anal penetration. Some partners might have been surprised, but most have being willing to penetrate me anally.

Now I’m dating a new woman who’s nine years older than me, and she’s having a hard time wrapping her mind around my request. She says she doesn’t want to do it because she doesn’t want to hurt me, but I keep telling her I’ve already done it and can walk her through it.

I’d hate for this to be the end of our relationship. Can I do anything to reassure her that I’ll be OK and even enjoy it?

Thanks!
Jan, 24

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Q: Dear Emily,

I’m a late bloomer when it comes to masturbation and having orgasms. (I didn’t even know that women could masturbate until I was in my twenties!)

Now I’m figuring out what turns me on, what movements I like, and what doesn’t work. I even have a wonderful partner who is totally on board to help me figure it out.

Sometimes when I masturbate, or when my partner fingers me to climax, this weird thing happens: My body spasms, and it kind of…hurts (usually in just the pelvic area).

I can’t hold my vibrator to my clit any longer or I push my partner’s hand away, even though I feel that I could have gone deeper into the orgasm. It totally keeps me from just melting into the experience.

I’m wondering if I’m pushing myself to climax before I’m fully warmed up? Is that a thing? Or is this a serious issue that I might have to get looked at?

Sincerely,

Leslie, 27

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Q: Dear Emily,

I have been having sex with my girlfriend for eight months now, and was a virgin before her. Although she’s a lot more experienced than me sexually, she has never been in a same-sex relationship before, and we are figuring everything out together. The sex that we have is amazing, but up until now we’ve gone solo equipment-wise. We’re now looking to bring some toys into the bedroom, and I’m looking for ideas.

You talk about different toys that you enjoy on your show, but it’s mostly in reference to masturbation. Do you have any recommendations for a lesbian couple? We both really enjoy external stimulation, but are open to anything! Love the show and thanks for the help!

Elizabeth, 23

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Q: Dear Emily,

After being with a few guys, I’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter the size of a guy’s penis or where we’re having sex—whether it be the couch, floor, or bed—but if I’m on top of him, his penis is always slipping out! It’s usually when it’s getting good, and I probably get carried away, but my question is: Am I doing something wrong? And how do I stop it from slipping out?

Mandy, 27

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Q: DEAR EMILY,

My husband (age 33) and I have been married for two years, together
for three and a half. In the beginning sex was fun, passionate and frequent. Now it seems like my libido is non existent, and I’m perfectly happy having sex once or twice a week (or less). His libido is as high as ever; he wants it once or twice per day, and doesn’t really like masturbating (though he will when he’s desperate).

When we don’t have sex as often as he wants, he gets frustrated and very cranky, so I feel obliged to participate as frequently as possible, but sometimes I’m just plain tired or feel lazy. Sometimes I’ll just have sex with him even if I don’t want to, hoping that I can get aroused once we get going. Half the time this works and I orgasm, and the rest of the time I go through the motions that usually work, and nothing happens. It’s like I can’t get my brain into it no matter what! We have toys, we try new things and we do some foreplay (though I’m sure could always use more). This is extremely frustrating for both of us.

I used to be super horny in my teens and 20s, and now I could hardly care less. How can I get my brain to want more sex?Am I just getting old? (Just FYI: I did go off the pill about a year and half ago, if you think that’s a factor.)

Help!

-Jill, 36

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Q: DEAR EMILY,

I have been with my husband now for nine years (married for nearly five). We have two children, ages six and four. We have always had really good sex, even from the first time. I always have multiple orgasms and always orgasm before him.

We are going away for a “dirty weekend” next month to celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary. I want to take advantage of this time and do something new with him. We have never felt the need for sex toys, but I think it could be fun to try some now. What toys would you recommend using that we can both enjoy and not feel too intimidated by?

Thanks so much,

Alex, 35

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Q: DEAR EMILY,

I just got out of a relationship with a guy that had a lot of ups and downs. In the beginning we were inseparable, and it totally felt like we were falling in love. Then, about a month in, he went cold fish. He only returned my calls every couple of days and kind of started ghosting me. Then all of a sudden, he invited me to go out of town with him, and we had this amazing long weekend with great sex and I was feeling connected again. Then when we got back, I didn’t hear from him for a week.

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Q: DEAR EMILY,

My boyfriend and I broke up about six months ago, but we’re still living together (we don’t want the expense of breaking our lease, and where we live is very seasonal so it’s hard to find new tenants). He ended things because he was going through some personal stuff and wanted to work on himself. The problem is that we never stopped having sex.

Things started up again casually, where it was just hot and random, but I’ve noticed that lately he has started to bring some feelings back into it and I am finding that I too still have feelings for him. He is very intimate, cupping my face, telling me that he loves me. Then going out with friends and acting single. He’s very back and forth about it. I’m totally confused.

I don’t know if this is normal, or maybe he still wants to be with me? Is it possible to have a “friend with benefits” with an ex?

Brittany, 24,
New Jersey  Continue Reading

Is Knowing What You Want Sexy or SelfishQ: DEAR EMILY,

I was dating a guy who was great in bed. The first time we hooked up, he asked me what my fantasy was—I told him, we went with it and it was really hot. As we continued to date, he kept asking me what my fantasies were, so then I thought that the ones I had already shared weren’t hot enough. I started worrying about what he thought of me, and if I was too boring.

I realized that when I’m with someone, I focus on trying to be exciting, thinking more about what my partner might want rather than putting my needs and desires first. My question is, how can I focus more on myself and what I like without being selfish in bed?

Jess, 31  Continue Reading

biting during sexQ: Dear Emily,

I really enjoy biting my partner’s chest and shoulders during intercourse and find that it helps keep me in the moment physically. It seems like when I lose physical contact between my mouth and my partner’s body or mouth, it tends to result in me thinking more about the fact that I am having sex instead of really feeling present.

The problem is my previous and current partners have not been fans of the marks left on their chest in the aftermath. Do you have any suggestions for other physical actions I can try that won’t result in the “evidence” left behind, but can help keep me in the moment?

Thanks,

Liz, Age 26

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