Let’s talk about sext, baby

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Sexting is both an art and a science.

Some people really sweat this skill, while others are true artists of the craft.

If you are feeling the need to uplevel your sexting game, here are some quick tips that are sure to build the hot foreplay through your phone.

Charged up and ready? 


Ditch the “I’m not good at sexting” belief

I hear this all the time. First of all, lighten up. If you have this belief, it is limiting you and the amount of fun you could be having. This isn’t rocket science. It is fun! Your high school English teacher isn’t judging your grammar and syntax. Unless you’re into that…

My number one piece of advice for getting good at sexting is…PRACTICE! Play around with the rules in this post. Try things out. I only got good at sexting by doing a lot of it.

A great way to practice talking dirty via text is to try a service called “Slutbot,” from Juice box, which is a free interactive online experience. Try out your skills and get sexting inspiration with a “bot” that is informed by sex educators and erotic fiction writers.

If you are willing to spend a little dough to practice, you can try sexting with a real live model on Sextpanther. This online service allows you to sext with someone while both numbers are masked.

If you are ready to practice, take some of my signature sexting moves for a spin.  


Trade secret fantasies

Sexting can be about many things, but mostly about foreplay prior to sex, or reveling in what sex you’ve already had with your sexting partner. I’m going to focus more on the foreplay aspect in this post. Anticipating sex can be almost as fun as the sex itself, and sexting is an excellent way to build anticipation prior to sex because you are creating a bridge between your fantasies and the eventual reality (hopefully)  of sex with that person.

First of all, remember that there are things you can say via text that you couldn’t get away with IRL. So this is your chance to go for it! You don’t have to sound like an erotic novel. The easiest way I tell people how to sext is to simply imagine what you would do to them while you masturbate – what would get you off (this is the authentic part), or what would get you hard or wet?


Then, simply describe what you see in your mind’s eye.  The key here is to focus on doing (ie, acts), as well as what you are seeing. Throw in some compliments about their body/body parts, and use your other senses (describe how things taste, smell, feel to touch, etc.).

I would save BDSM and full-blown role-play scenarios for advance texting. And remember – consent applies to sexting, too.


My favorite thing to do is to send a random sext in the middle of the workday talking about how “I wish I was there…[describe where they are] doing [insert sex act]”

For example:
“I wish I was under your desk pulling your panties aside and licking your clit”

“I wish I was hiding in your corporate board room and you could come in and fuck me hard in between meetings”

Sending texts during the workday is a great way to build sexual tension. It can catch your partner by surprise and build the suspense for both of you, since you will both know that sometimes you can’t answer texts while at work!


Know your “audience”

Your approach or tone should match the person you are sexting. Sexting success comes from not having a “one size fits all” mentality, but from personalizing your messages.

Three great types of approach are:

-Bold, blunt and direct (“I am going to f*ck you so hard and feel your tight, beautiful p*ssy around my c*ck”)

-Romantic and sensual (“I loved the way your ass caught the light in your pic…it’s driving me crazy!”)

-Teasing (“want to know what I am thinking about right now?…).

If you are in a same-sex sexting scenario, you are going to want to gauge your sexting partner’s interests in different aspects of sex and adjust accordingly. In a hetero-normative scenario, male identifying persons should typically wait to do the blunt approach until the female identifying sexting partner has “opened the door,” at least a little bit. 

These are certainly not hard and fast rules, everyone’s taste varies. For female-identifying sexters, I recommend being as bold as you are comfortable being and as early as you want, so long as you keep some sexual tension and suspense.


Build suspense

By now you know you should be building a story (ie, a fantasy build-up to sex). But a boring story is gonna kill everyone’s boner, so you need to make sure you captivate with some suspense.

There are several ways to do that. The easiest way is knowing when to type and when not to type. The timing of your texts is nearly as important as what you type.  You want to pace the texts so that you don’t overshoot the mark and escalate too soon. Remember: you don’t always have to respond right away. Allow some momentum and then hold back for 30 minutes to an hour or even more, depending on your past texting history. Gauge the flow by how fast your partner is texting you back.

Build suspense by using ellipses at the end of your texts…Build a really steamy line and then drop off suddenly…make them wait for the goods.


To be “on read” or not to be “on read”

Building suspense is one thing – putting your sexting partner too much in their head is another.  For that reason, I suggest you don’t put your phone settings on read unless you are ready to be strategic and have time to focus and respond!

For example, if your sexting partner sees you have read a message and waited all day to respond (maybe you got tied up at work), it could dampen the mood and the momentum. Use the “on read” function wisely.


Use Emojis Strategically

A picture is worth a thousand words. And emojis are excellent ways to show mood, playfulness, and meaning without over-texting.

Examples of great emoji’s for sexting:

= Very flirty mood


= There are two levels to this, so use accordingly…if you use the heart blowing kiss a lot, change it up and pull back to the no heart blow kiss and see if they notice)


= Naughty and serious business


= Use when you talk about oral sex


= Great to use along with a compliment about their appearance or if they send a sexy selfie



= Ahem, do I really need to explain this one? (It’s a butt okay, a butt)



= If you want to be pretty direct, use the now classic dick emoji



= Great for when you are feeling coy


Less is more! Emojis are highly specific, so don’t constantly group several of them together unless you are giving a huge response (say you want to show big appreciation for a sexy selfie).

I sometimes like to use just one emoji as a text response, especially if I want to keep them guessing.


Good luck, be safe, and let the sexting begin!!


Emily Anne is a bestselling author, sex coach and educator, who specializes in helping people expand their sexual horizons through BDSM and kink. When she’s not obsessively talking about sex, she’s hiking through the Hollywood Hills. Get some sexy education on her Instagram feed
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