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In this episode, Emily talks to Sex With Emily regular, psychological astrologer, Dr. Jennifer Freed, to give us her monthly Astro-Sex Forecast, so listen for your sign (and your partner’s too!). Emily and Jennifer also talk about mindfulness and the power of kissing. Too much or not enough tongue? It’s kissing 101!
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sexual independence blog sex with emilySexual independence is all about taking control of your own pleasure. There may be other people involved in the process, but when it comes down to it, your pleasure is your prerogative. 

You may expect your partner to pick you up from the airport. You probably expect them to remember your birthday and to fix the shower curtain that they broke. Yet, I’m sorry to tell you, you can’t expect your partner to be responsible for your orgasms.

In movies and TV, sex usually looks like three or four thrusts followed by simultaneously orgasming. Of course, anyone that’s ever had sex knows that it usually takes a little bit more than that to really get sent over the edge. And while you may want your partner to whisk you away and do what they will with you, the truth is, when it comes to your orgasms, you’re the one in charge. Here’s how to take control of your own pleasure.

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two vaginas blog sex with emilyIt’s the last day of Pride month, and you know what that means: glitter, rainbows, and (if you’re lucky) some queer sex. But, just because we’re all feeling proud doesn’t mean that we’re all…experienced.

Starting out in the world of queer sex can at best feel intimidating and at worst feel like a big gay mountain we’d rather not start climbing. We learn a lot about heterosexual sex, through…pretty much everything, sex between two people with vaginas can often feel like a huge question mark.

There’s a lot of misinformation floating around, so today I want to set the record straight and give you some pointers for non-straight sex with two vaginas. 

 

Check In With Your Partner

Ah yes, the good ol’ gay check in. What could be more queer than processing your feelings around sex before you even have it? Being able to talk openly with the person you’re having sex with isn’t just important for your emotional health, it’s important for your physical health and downright necessary for good sex!

Because it’s not immediately apparent as to how two “innies” fit together, being able to talk about what you like and don’t like is even more important in this situation. Maybe you like vibrators, maybe you can’t come unless you have clitoral and vaginal stimulation, or maybe you would rather be a giver than a receiver.

Either way, checking in and talking about sex before you have it is super important for queer sex. Not to mention that it’s extra important to talk about your STD status when two vaginas are in the mix. Vaginal condoms can be awkward, but there are other ways to stay safe including dental dams, using condoms on sex toys, changing condoms to avoid mixing vaginal fluids and using latex gloves. It might be awkward, it might be uncomfortable, but you have to make sure you’re safe along the way.

Also: you’ll notice that I keep saying “two vaginas” instead of two women. This is because your partner might not identify as a woman, or even like to call their genitals a vagina! And that’s okay! Check in to see what their preferred pronouns are and what words they like to use during sex to describe their genitals. Communication is always the best way to ensure comfort in your new expedition and will make your dirty talk even better.

 

Figure out what you like!

You’ve got the same hardware, so why not practice on yourself first? Before you start in on your partner’s vagina, focus on your own first. Figuring out what you like and how you like to pleasure yourself will teach you a lot about pleasing another vagina. So take some time alone and have a solo masturbation session or two to figure out what you like before you start having queer sex. Being able to describe what you like will help your partner pleasure you, and give you a lot of information as to how to operate the machinery, keeping in mind that we all like different things. Also: it’s fun!

 

Start Slow, With Your Hands

Okay, now that you’ve figured out what you like and how to talk about it, let me take a second to focus your attention on your hands. These are now some of your main tools for sex!

Make sure your hands are clean, nails trimmed and latex gloves ready to go because these bad boys are going to be your first line of action. When you and your partner are ready to touch one another, make sure you start gently, and use lots of lube. Everyone has a different sensitivity level, so no matter how confident you are with a vibrator or dildo, unless you’ve discussed something differently, I suggest you start with your hands.

Take some time to explore their whole vaginal area with your hands, and communicate a lot. Do they like it when you stroke them here? Or there? Do they like fast? Or slow? More lube? Or Less? Do they only want you to touch their clit? Or do they want a finger in their vagina? If so, how many? Start slow, work your way up, and stay in communication the whole time.

Also pro tip: if you do insert your fingers into their vagina, try to find angles where you can keep your wrist straight and instead thrust with your whole arm. You can even hold your wrist with your other hand if that helps. Believe me, it will make your new sex toy last A LOT longer and your wrist will thank you later.

 

Don’t focus on the big O

No one started playing basketball and immediately was amazing at throwing three point shots. When you first start having queer sex, it can be messy, take a long time, and be downright awkward.

But this my friends is about the journey, not the destination. Just because you didn’t give your partner an orgasm in the first 20 minutes, doesn’t make you a failure. In fact, the less you focus on orgasms, and instead put your attention on pleasure, the more likely you are to get good at queer sex. And because vaginas can experience multiple orgasms, when you do get there, it’ll be worth the wait. We’re in this for the long haul, for the experience, not for that cumulative cum shot. So stop worrying about their orgasm and start worrying about whether or not they enjoy it. You and your partner will have a lot more fun that way. I promise.

 

Explore from there!

If you want to employ a toy to help you explore the pleasure your vulva has to offer, try the Zumio! It’s a totally unique toy that uses rotation and movement to pinpoint the pleasure on your clit and surrounding areas. It’s like using a compass to find your orgasmic north star!

All these same tips apply to new introduction into your sex-repertoire: oral, vibrators, sex toys, strap ons, etc. Start slow. Communicate a lot. Check in constantly. Work your way up over time. You don’t want anyone to get hurt and ruin the whole experience. I promise you, you’ll work your way up to that crazy sex scene you’ve got in your head eventually. 

 

 


Tessa Skara is a writer and comedian. She is bravely bicoastal. She loves all things queer, including, but not limited to sex. Follow her on Instagram @tessafuckinskara.

 

feel beginners masturbation blog sex with emilyIf you were to write a book about all the things you didn’t learn in sex ed class, it would be three times as long (and three times as useful) as a book about what we did learn. It feels like we covered the medical names of all our parts and were fed some fear-mongering stats about pregnancy and STIs. For most, we somehow completely skipped over the fact that 1. You can orgasm. And 2. You can orgasm all by your damn self. 

Don’t be fooled, like driving a car or making a food that isn’t mac and cheese from the box, masturbation is something you have to learn. And even if you had the most liberal or extensive health classes in school, chances are there wasn’t a unit on making yourself finish. (And if there was please let me know what school you went to.) 

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