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Congratulations! You made it to the end of 2020 AND survived it. Before we turn the page on this year, we wanted to share with you the best sex blogs that you, fellow lovers, loved the most during this crazy time. Let’s be real, being at home for more than usual probably had you reevaluating your sex life. You were probably inspired to take another look at how you prioritize your pleasure or even your partner’s pleasure, at how you communicate your needs, or how to take the anxiety out of sex. Whatever the case, we’re glad to share the articles that you loved the most to keep encouraging you to prioritize your pleasure and sex life. We present to you the best sex blogs of 2020!

Best Sex Blogs of 2020:

Ask Emily: Is it normal (or safe) to eat your own ejaculate?

We got so many amazing questions from you this year, and this is by far the top one from our lovely penis owners. Whether you’re flying solo or with a co-pilot, having the urge to eat your ejaculate is by far one of the most common. Beyond the widespread impulse, we cover if it’s safe and where this urge may come (cum?) from.

Mind Blowing Oral in Under 5 Minutes? The Kivin Method.

Let’s be real: three minutes of oral is not enough to even get a vulva owner started. Whether you’re looking to change up your oral game or get a headstart to learn how to give head, the Kivin Method is probably perfect for you. Bottom line: this technique will give vulva owners an orgasm within 5-10 minutes. Need I say more?

Yes, No, Maybe? The List Every Relationship Needs

Whether you’re in a sexual dry spell or having the best sex of your life, it’s never a bad idea to discuss with your partner the things that make (or could make) you tick. If you don’t know how to start the conversation, here’s our best and most popular suggestion: the Yes, No, Maybe List. Grab a bottle of wine, take a seat on the couch, and take this quiz with your partner to see where you both stand on these sexual experiences. By indicating the things you like, don’t like, or could consider trying, your relationship is sure to benefit from this list.

Intro to Consensual Non-Consent

Many of us are afraid to explore fantasies that seem taboo or even triggering, but rest assured this fantasy is common and can be practiced safely. It’s also a heavily stigmatized topic, making the discussion of said issues one of our best sex blogs of 2020. Trigger warning: this article discusses rape/forced sex fantasies, which should be practiced by consenting adults.

The Truth About DDLG As Told by a Little

As a subcategory of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism), the DDLG dynamic is not as uncommon as it seems. In a Daddy Dom/Little Girl situation, the DD asserts a dominant role whereas the LG is submissive. Read on to see how you can add this play into your sex life. 

5 Problematic Sex Positions & How to Make Them Work!

When it comes to sex, positions aren’t really a one-fits-all. All bodies are different, so some sex positions won’t necessarily work for everyone. To help out, we gathered some tips on how to make the most out of these common (and tricky!) positions.

Blow Job Tricks to Try Tonight!

If you’re looking to please a penis-owner tonight, look no further. We cover the best oral tips that anyone can master. Trust us, it doesn’t have to feel like work to give a good blow job.

Choking Etiquette 101

With getting more comfortable being at home, I think 2020 was the year for people to get kinkier. You don’t have to go zero-to-kinky AF, but maybe you want to try some choking during sex. Before you do, though, let’s get into some choking etiquette. Trigger and overall warning: NEVER choke without your partner’s consent.

3 Ways to Have a MMF Threesome

For some reason, FFM threesomes (in which two females join one male) are more popular than MMF ones. This year, though, more of you were interested in how to have a male/male/female threesome. Desiring this dynamic is pretty common and no, it doesn’t necessarily define your sexuality–it probably deepens your pleasure, or is a one-time thing you crave. Read on to find out how to make positions work and how to give attention to all parties involved.

The Top 4 Best Toys for Sex Toy Virgins

And, finally, a lot of you reached the gates to the sex toy realm for the first time–welcome! At Sex With Emily, we rave about how using sex toys brings extra fun and pleasure to our sex lives, whether we’re using them alone or with partners. Finding a toy for the first time is pretty daunting–there are SO many to choose from!–so we’re glad to help you find your perfect match.

Honorable Mentions:

How to Dom Via Text

It’s hard to keep a dominant/submissive dynamic when you have to socially isolate and can’t see each other as often. To keep the fire burning from afar, we gave you our tips on how to keep the game going–right at your fingertips! Texting is a great way to keep your commands direct and even more alluring.

6 Basic Sex Positions Done Right

Nothing about sex should be basic, but these tried-and-true positions are easy to mix up to add some variety to your sex life. Changing up little things will go a long way to better, more pleasurable sex!

María Lysandra Hernández is a writer and book lover from Guaynabo, Puerto Rico. She (virtually) received her BA degree in Writing, Literature and Publishing with a minor in Global and Post-Colonial Studies at Emerson College. She now lives in Los Angeles, and her work has been published in Anomaly, Raíz Magazine and Are We Okay? A Memoir.

October Sexoscope

Welcome to October, my star crossed lovers! Can you feel the energy shifting in the air?  This month we’re celebrating and exploring sexual fantasies, so get ready for shorter days and longer nights to unravel your dark desires. Not sure where to get started? Let the October Sexoscope be your guide.

October has a few important and significant Moon events that are sure to open doors to understanding ourselves and the world around us,  including a Blue Moon on Halloween. As we come closer to this magical night, we should all take advantage of the opportunity to go deeper in our spiritual journeys by reflecting and refreshing on our present days.

Start this month with new things you want to integrate into your life and letting go of the old. By October 13, Mercury goes retrograde in Scorpio, making it important to address intimacy and vulnerability in our relationships. The Blue Moon on October 31st is in Taurus, and therefore destined to awaken our sensual wants and needs. Try not to be stubborn, but instead authentically open yourself up to your desires.

Aries

Looking for something to amp up your sex life? Time to bring play into pleasure, Aries. Bring the battle into your bedroom by playing new athletic sex games. There’s no winners or losers when it’s fun for everyone.

Taurus

Words mean everything during this season, so don’t let anyone get them twisted! While you might enjoy luscious gifts, you’ll really enjoy some delectable sex talk. Suggest that your partner whisper their desires before the fun begins in order to amp up anticipation.

Gemini

Sex isn’t about the destination, but the duality of curiosity and pleasure. And who knows duality more than my dear Geminis? Go on a sexual discovery journey with yourself or someone you would like to know better. 

Cancer

There’s a lot going on in the world and that can be so overwhelming for your emotions and energies. If you feel like hiding under the covers, please in a warm body or great sex toy. Remember, your vulnerability makes you stronger!

Leo

It’s all about you, dear lions. Bring self-pleasure to a new level and, if you are brave enough, show someone how you like to do it best. Focus on how you’re feeling and keep fueling the flames that heat you up.

Virgo

Don’t deny yourself the timeouts you need to get in touch with your massive sensuality. A bath with scents and candles is in order. Look into the ways to take your sexual self-care to the next level and then translate that love to your relationships.

Libra

It seems like you’ve been out of harmony in your personal and private spheres, making it hard for you to feel centered. If you need to rebalance, try a new position and a new safe word to help you find yourself again. (After all, it is your season.) You can also find some new toys to add to your collection and make yourself feel extra special.

Scorpio 

This season is the perfect playground for your dark desires. You can talk more deeply in intimate ways, and be more persuasive than ever before about the perks of sexual commitment. Express what you want with your partner, who is sure to aim to please your hunger.

Sagittarius

It seems like you’ve been either restless or looking for new ways to open doors to your fantasies. If you can’t leave the house, at least you can spend time seeing exquisitely produced erotic dramas and reading some sizzling novels. Curling up to new sexy practices will inspire your curiosity.

Capricorn

Don’t let the bad news into your bed–you have control over more than you think. Channel your inner dom this season; make sure your sex life is all about what’s good for you and whomever you desire. 

Aquarius

Setting boundaries will lead to better sex, dear Aquarius. Turn off the noise and turn on the poise. If anxiety or too many thoughts are invading your head during sex, it’s time to take a breath to enjoy the moment. Let your sex partner(s) know how to help you slow down and get out of your head. 

Pisces

If ever there was a time to daydream about sex, it is now. Whenever and wherever you can, lose yourself in a moment of sexual bliss recall. What fantasies do you go to when you let your mind wander? As a water sign, let your thoughts ebb and flow into your next move.

Jennifer Freed PhD is the best selling author of Use Your Planets Wisely and a renowned psychological astrologer and social and emotional education trainer. She has spent over thirty years consulting clients and businesses world wide on psychological, spiritual, and educational topics. She has served as the clinical director of Pacifica Graduate Institute and is national consultant for EMDR (Post Traumatic Growth Therapies).

​Dr. Freed’s passion is to awaken the potentials of each client and collective and to guide them to make lasting contributions to their communities.  

Fetishizing Black bodies

Butt. Ass. Bottom. Behind. Fanny. Derriere. Cheeks. The list goes on and on. Obsession over big butts is so embedded into our culture that it’s impossible to scroll through any web or social media platform and not see a booty. But how did this come to be? Let’s take a look:

  1. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, butt augmentation with fat grafting has one of the most “notable gains in 2019” out of all cosmetic surgeries with a 17% increase in procedures.
  2. There are workout videos specifically designed to target one’s glutes in order to enlarge the butt.
  3. Photoshopping apps typically used to cover one’s blemishes are being utilized to alter one’s butt to make it appear larger and/or rounder.
  4. There are porn categories for ‘big ass’ and ‘anal sex.’

As a Black woman with a larger butt, I can tell you firsthand how into butts our society has become. For example, my butt has been deemed my best “asset” (pun intended) on multiple occasions. It makes me wonder if the partners I choose only like me for my figure. And I’m not alone in this inner-dialogue. Anecdotally, self-identified Black females all over the world question whether or not they are being sexualized and fetishized by their partners.

That said, big butts haven’t always been the status quo. In fact, it used to be the exact opposite! Bigger bodies with large butts used to be seen as undesirable and freakish. So what changed?

The History of Disempowerment 

In the early 18th and 19th centuries, the Black individual was deemed “the deviant of sexuality.” Fuller-figured Black bodies were seen as closer to those of an orangutan. More specifically, the White woman and Black woman could not be sexually similar, because, of course, the Black woman’s sexual appetite was more animal-like than human. In order to justify these beliefs and accusations, white writers needed the support of science. One of these scientific differences being the physical contrasts between Black women’s bodies versus that of the White “healthy medical model.” Writers drew connections between the Black women’s curvaceous nature to overdeveloped sex organs. Using the Black female body as a means to prove these statements inherently objectified the Black woman.

A prime example of the fetishization and sexualization of the Black body is the infamous Sarah Baartman. Baartman was 25 years old when put on public display in Europe to represent the Hotennot female for her large buttocks and protruding genitalia. Europeans would come to gawk at Baartman, even pay to poke her with sticks as if she solely existed for their own curious pleasure. After her death, Barrtman was dissected for her sexual body parts. She was put on display at the Musée de l’Homme in Paris until her remains were returned to South Africa. 

Idealizing Small Cheeks

If we take a look at the ideal butt throughout the centuries, the perfect butt typically fell in line with fashion and fitness trends. For example: 

  • The 1920s flapper era popularized tiny butts in order to fit the small, sequin dresses of this time. 
  • Thin supermodels were all the rage during the 1960s. For example, the famous model Twiggy had a small butt and long legs that became idealized.
  • The 1970s gave bias to a more athletic, toned build with tighter glutes. 

Kindly note that Black women did not disappear during this time—the 1920s jazz era could not have happened without Black folks. But it wasn’t until hip-hop & rap began explicitly calling out the butt, that the rise of ‘fuller-bodied’ female celebrities began.  

My Anaconda, Don’t!

People claim the resurgence of big butts began after female celebrities in Hollywood shocked the public with striking views of their own behinds. For example, J-Lo’s early 2000’s memorable red carpet gowns and poses that accentuated her butt. Or Nicki Minaj’s booty-full Anaconda music video that cast Minaj’s butt as the lead role. And of course, Kim Kardashian’s controversial Paper Magazine shoot that received criticism for the eerie similarities to the previously mentioned, Sarah Baartman. 

It isn’t a surprise that the big butt trend has been re-ignited per Hollywood’s endorsements. As noted throughout history, the ideal body and physical attributes are inherently tied to fashion, media, and celebrity trends. When someone already deemed as prestigious and desirable has a specific body, their body begins to be equated with prestige and desirability. And, therefore, the average consumer follows in tandem. 

Your butt matters.

It’s important to note that how butts were seen throughout centuries is not linear. Society didn’t just jump from small butts being the fad to big butts. It went from round butts to small butts, to the hourglass figure, to bustles being attached to dresses to make the butt look larger, and back and forth. Culture can be easily manipulated by Hollywood to tell us what is desirable and hot. The industry capitalizes on all women’s insecurities with little regard for the implications and context of the trends they push forward.

This isn’t to say that I don’t love an ass compliment. I love my ass and so many Black women do! But it’s crucial to understand the context of where these trends are coming from. There’s a long history of Black women being shamed for what other bodies are praised for. Even under the umbrella of big butts, a natural bigger butt comes with stretch marks, hair, and discoloration but these qualities aren’t as acceptable or praised in the media. 

The history of the ideal butt is nuanced and continues to be ever-changing. I wonder if there will be a time when every body type is deemed ideal. 

— 

LaTanya Hutchinson is a third-year Northeastern student studying Business, Design, and Health Psychology. Her interest in sex-positivity was spurred on by her Health educator, Shafia Zaloom, at The Urban School of San Francisco. LaTanya has served as a research assistant for and was interviewed by (Shafia) for her book, Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between. She is now an aspiring sex educator.

LaTanya’s passion is to inspire, educate, and arm the masses with the right information and tools to lead them toward a pleasurable and shame-free sexual lifestyle.

Woman and man holding vibrator on a bed
Dear Dr. Emily,
I’m wondering if it’s okay to always bring in a clitoral vibrator into the bedroom? It’s the only way I can orgasm, but I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings or have them think I’m weird. Thank you! 
Feeling the Vibes

Hi Feeling the Vibes, 

I love that you’re using toys and know what your body needs to feel pleasure. It can be difficult for women to orgasm in the first place, so you’re already on the right track.

There is nothing shameful about using a clitoral vibrator! I mean, you’re experiencing pleasure, right? Many vulva and vibrator owners keep their toys to themselves out of fear of rejection or offending their partner. But I say, why NOT give your partner a chance to see what the magic is all about?

Like anything, start by being mindful of how to start the conversation. Best not to overwhelm them or pull it out without much warning. Remember the three T’s of communication: timing, tone, and turf. Bring it up outside of the bedroom and start by having a casual and playful conversation. Maybe start with a specific thing you love or memory you have about your sex life with them. Be honest and open about your experience with toys. Explain that you think toys might be a fun way to increase the pleasure even more for both of you.

Once you’ve had an open conversation now you can start playing.  I always find it helps to show my partner how it works, even demonstrating on their body so they get a sense of how amazing vibrations can feel, no matter what parts you have! 

Get creative, and even let them take control—the We-Vibe Chorus is a great clitoral vibrator for couples and can be totally hands-free. Maybe bring out some massage oil, like Exsens. You can massage their body and start to tease them with the vibe. Once they know how good it feels, they’ll better understand why you love it so much.

There’s no shame in always needing a vibrator, but I would also encourage you to keep experimenting. Our brain memorizes masturbation patterns, so it may take time and effort to discover new methods.

And of course, have lots of fun. Many couples find that bringing a toy into their relationship not only enhances pleasure but also strengthens their intimacy. Happy vibing!

xx,

Dr. Emily

Hi, I’m Emily Morse and I used to fake orgasms. Once I understood why I was doing it, and how much more satisfying sex could be for me and my partner, I stopped. I want the same for you. In this episode, we hear from people who have been faking it and how to take back the power of your “O” by learning your body and how to ask for what you need.  
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We’ve come a long way since Sex With Emily started 15 years ago, but there’s still more we could do to end shame around penis size. Just last year, our culture was bubbling with praise for Big Dick Energy. But does size really matter? In this 15th Anniversary Episode, Dr. Emily gives plenty of reasons why we should stop our fixation with large members. 
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