Real talk: we all need sex help. What might seem “embarrassing” to you is most likely a question I get all the time. There is no shame in educating yourself, especially when it comes to sex. We have to seek out the answers!
Let’s have a primer on today’s topic: Kink & BDSM.
What is kink?
Kink is anything that falls outside the realm of what’s considered conventional sex. That’s a huge definition obviously, especially since “unconventional” depends on the culture. At one point, oral sex was considered way kinky…now, not so much. When you imagine conventional sex, what do you see? Kink = anything that deviates.
The beauty of kink is that it’s subjective, what feels kinky to one person might be totally vanilla to another. It’s all about discovering what turns you on and having fun with it. Kink can be as simple as trying something new, like a different position or setting, or as elaborate as diving into BDSM.
What is BDSM?
Colloquially, BDSM refers to power dynamics in the bedroom. Typically, one partner demonstrates power, and the other partner concedes power. This is called consensual power exchange.
Literally, BDSM means bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism. Bondage is all about the art of restraint for erotic purposes. It can refer to actual bondage or alternatively being “bound” to a rule, which is where discipline comes in. Sadism is pleasure from inflicting pain or discomfort, masochism is pleasure from experiencing pain or discomfort. This set-up may include a Dom (the dominant partner) and a sub (the submissive partner).
Now that we’ve defined our terms, let’s get into your questions…
“Where do kinks come from? Is it true they’re hereditary?”
In a nutshell, kinks come from your core erotic desires, or the feelings you want to have during sex. For example: having sex in public. Maybe you want to feel so irresistible that your partner would have sex with you anywhere. The kink is having sex in public. The underlying emotional feeling is your core erotic desire.
As far as being passed down generationally, kinks aren’t exactly hereditary in the way that, say, eye color or height might be. It’s more about how our unique experiences and psychological makeup shape our desires. Some people might have a predisposition to certain kinks, but often, these interests develop from a mix of personal experiences, cultural influences, and even early childhood experiences that shape our core erotic desires.
For instance, if someone has a kink for being the center of attention, it might stem from a childhood where they didn’t receive enough attention and now crave it in their adult relationships.
To find out your core erotic desire right now, watch Dolly Josette’s “Discover Your Core Erotic Theme” Workshop on Smart SX.
“My partner and I are intrigued by BDSM, but we don’t have any experience. Where do we start?”
I always recommend starting small. You don’t need to jump into BDSM all at once. At the heart of BDSM is power exchange, so start with a low lift activity that lets you taste it. For example: restraints. What does sex feel like when one of you can’t move your arms or legs…but one of you has full freedom?
Activities like this let you experience BDSM in a contained way. No one is going to become a perfect Dom or sub overnight. But activities like this let you feel into power differentials organically. The more you try out kinky assignments, the more a power dynamic will evolve naturally between you and your partner.
“Why do men like giving women facials? What does that do for them?”
Maybe it gives them a feeling of total acceptance from their partner. Maybe it gives them a feeling of “claiming” their partner. Maybe it feels taboo and they enjoy being transgressive. Maybe it feels deeply intimate, seeing their own ejaculate on their partner’s body. Point is – it’s a little different for everyone.
If you’re the man in this scenario btw, and you like giving facials (consensually), I have a recommendation for you. Popstar is a supplement made with bromelain (an enzyme found in pineapples), zinc and l-arginine. It makes ejaculate taste better and sweeter, and it also increases ejaculate volume. If this is your kink, this is the perfect boost.
“I want to be vibrator tortured. What’s a good toy for that, and how do I teach a partner to do it?”
Vibrator torture or vibrator punishment is when a dominant partner reinforces their power over their partner by using a toy. The submissive partner is often restrained or bound, so they can’t resist the toy’s sensations. It’s called “torture” because there is usually a discipline component. For example: the submissive partner can’t come until their dominant partner says so.
For this kinky activity, I recommend a remote-controlled toy that lets the dominant partner control the sensations. LELO’s new GIGI 3* is a good match for this. It’s an insertable G-spot vibrator, but certain modes are unlocked only in the app. It’s so strong the dominant partner can tease over clothes, and the flattened tip is designed to channel deep and powerful vibrations right on the G-spot, to help with squirting and internal orgasms.
Next, show your partner how you use it on your hot spots. This will build their confidence, so they know what gets you off. Once it’s inside (use lube), they can build up the intensity and pulses with the app, backing off and working their way back up. Speaking of which, here’s a guide to edging.
*Want to try out the GIGI 3? It’s on sale now, use code EMILY20 for an additional 20% off. Thank me later.
“How do I approach having my wife pee on me?”
Asking for something like golden showers can definitely feel a bit daunting, but it’s all about creating a safe and open space for communication. Start by telling your partner what about it turns you on, and if they’d ever be open to experimenting with you.
It’s important to frame it as a mutual exploration rather than a demand. Be open to their response, whether it’s curiosity, hesitation, or a flat-out no. If they’re interested, discuss boundaries and comfort levels to ensure it’s a pleasurable experience for both of you. For more tips on the actual act of golden showers, check out my article here.
“I want to be pegged, but don’t know how to ask for it. Any tips?”
Open up the conversation by discussing sexual desires more generally. You can tell your partner, “hey, I’d love to share some things I’ve been thinking about for our sex life” and take it from there.
Anal play is more common than you might think, but still considered taboo for many. I suggest sharing why you’re curious about it. Is it because you enjoy the sensations of anal penetration? Is it because you want to feel like the receiving partner during sex?
From there, you can go shopping together for a pegging kit. I really like this one made for beginners with interchangeable parts that are easy to swap.
“Tips for first cuckold experience? So excited but SO nervous it will be awkward.”
Diving into a cuckold experience can be thrilling, but it’s crucial to lay the groundwork first. Communication is your best friend here. Start by having an open, honest conversation with your partner about what you’re both comfortable with and what boundaries need to be set. Discuss in detail what the scenario looks like to you—what roles everyone will play, and what turns you on about it. This isn’t just about logistics, it’s about understanding each other’s desires and limits .
Once you’ve got the green light, set clear rules. Decide on things like who the third person will be, whether you’ll be present or not, and how much detail you’ll share afterward. Remember, ongoing consent is key, so check in with each other before, during, and after the experience to ensure everyone feels good about what’s happening .
Make sure everyone involved is tested and that you have condoms on hand. And don’t forget about aftercare—spend time reconnecting with your partner afterward to process the experience together and ensure you’re both feeling secure and satisfied.
I also want to tell you: it’s OK to be awkward! This is your first time, so treat it as a learning experience.
“My husband and I love going to sex parties. I’m bi so we only play with other women, but it’s been A+ for our sex life at home. Is that bad for us in the long term?”
No: sex parties aren’t bad for you in the long-term. But I understand the concern. We’ve all been steeped in sexual shame, thinking that if we’re enjoying ourselves so much we must be a little hedonistic / messy / indulgent, right? (Nope.)
Here’s my advice. Keep communicating with your partner, checking in regularly about what you’re comfortable with at these sex parties, and what you’re not. It’s always ok to change your mind on boundaries, and talk about them together. Discuss STI and sexual health status openly with anyone you hook up with. Test often. Here’s a guide to sex parties. Have fun!
“Why do I want a MFM threesome so bad? (Married (M) straight here.)”
Threesomes are a super popular fantasy for a lot of reasons! First off, there’s the thrill of novelty and exploration. For some, it’s about the sheer abundance of touch and attention—more hands, more mouths, more everything! For others, it’s about breaking taboos and exploring desires that might not fit into the traditional mold. It can also be a way to fulfill altruistic fantasies, where people do it to please their partner or explore their own boundaries.
All of these are valid desires, but only you can answer this question. I suggest you start by thinking about the specific details that are hot to you. That will give you clues to your “why.” I also suggest pulling up Dolly Josette’s “Discover Your Core Erotic Theme” Workshop from Smart SX on your phone. There’s a good chance it’ll help you get to the bottom of this fantasy, and why it turns you on so much.
“Is BDSM good for your health?”
There’s interesting research on BDSM being good for mental health.
One series of recent studies showed BDSM activities reducing cortisol levels*. Another study* found that BDSM participants felt more secure in their relationships and had an increased sense of well-being. And lots of people turn to BDSM specifically for healing and self-acceptance.
Perceptions of BDSM are changing. The stigma is fading. When you’re playing with people you trust, BDSM can offer lasting emotional and mental benefits, from stress relief, to deepened intimacy, to reduced anxiety and even trauma resolution.
What other sex questions do you have? Ask me anytime inside my membership platform, SmartSX, submit your Qs to Ask Emily, or sign up for my newsletter and get sex secrets on the regular.
Check out past articles in the ‘embarrassing questions’ series (asked and answered) on vulvas, penises, masturbation, and partner dynamics.
*Sources:
