Dear Emily,
I’ve heard from you (and others) that scheduling sex is healthy…but, I can’t help but feel a little sheepish when I do it. I was trained that desire is “supposed” to be spontaneous, and I’m still unlearning some old associations. But I do want to schedule sex with my partner! I guess I’m just looking for a little inspiration, to make it feel erotic and exciting, rather than like a dentist appointment. Any tips?
– Sex on the Calendar
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Dear Sex on the Calendar,
You are so not alone, in feeling like desire is “supposed” to be spontaneous. After all, that’s how it is in movies, right? An attractive couple looks up, exchanges glances…and before you know it, they’re going for it in the kitchen/club/car, moaning in ecstasy.
Listen to this, though: spontaneous sexual desire is real, but it’s only one type. Emily Nagoski (sex writer, researcher, and author of Come As You Are) has done some wonderful writing on this and defines three categories of sexual desire: spontaneous, responsive, and contextual. For our purposes, we’re going to focus on contextual: “when the circumstances and environment impact the ability to feel sexual desire.”
So here are 5 ways to reframe scheduled sex, thinking about it as contextual sexual desire—the sexiest one, IMO.
Create anticipation
When we schedule sex, we give our partners (and ourselves) something to look forward to. It’s not a surprise—and it doesn’t have to be. Try sending a calendar invite with an appropriately suggestive emoji, then spend days leading up to it getting intentional. What will you wear? Will there be a date involved? Would you like to test drive a new toy together? Pro tip: when you share the calendar invite, enclose a brief instruction with it (such as: “wear the jeans I like”) to set the mood.
Trade visual inspo
Leading up to the event itself, try a little light sexting by soliciting their opinion…specifically, on what you should wear. Something sexy? Nothing at all? That’s for you to decide, but I bet your partner would love it if you asked them to return the favor. Try WhatsApp or Signal, if you prefer a secure, encrypted text option (aka: protect your nudes).
Start a playlist
If you’re asking about scheduling sex, I imagine you’re both super busy–but returning back to the definition of contextual sexual desire, let’s focus on the environment part. To create conditions that arouse you, one thing I recommend is to start a playlist of sexy songs, and then share it with your partner, for them to add onto. Shoegaze bedroom pop? 90s R&B? You’re going to collab on this one together, but the best part is, you don’t have to do it all at once. Each of you can contribute little by little, creating a sex soundtrack to enjoy later on.
Bust out the big guns
…by which I mean, wearable sex toys to arouse them, and yourself, from a distance. We-Vibe produces app-controlled toys like the Moxie (for vulva owners) and the Bond (for penis owners) that allow partners to send whisper-quiet buzzes throughout the day, because what’s more naughty than your bb sending you pleasure during a work meeting? Not much! Try it, to sprinkle in sexual anticipation throughout your busy day.
Build-in some transition time
Finally, know this: it’s completely normal to schedule sex, and it’s also normal to schedule a buffer before it, to clear your head. If you’ve been in work or parenting mode all day long, your brain is likely buzzing from must-do tasks, like: send an email, returning a text to your colleague, cleaning the kitchen…the list goes on. So I recommend taking some time before sex to just do you, and connect to your body. Whether that’s a run, yoga class, or meditation sesh. It can be so helpful to simply decompress from the day, and allow your mind to sloooow down.
I hope these tips help! Remember: scheduled sex isn’t lame or boring, just like a scheduled hookup (via an app) isn’t lame or boring. The keys are anticipation and intention, and with these pointers in mind, you’ve got lots of ways to generate both. Enjoy!
xx, Emily
