Nothing in life lasts forever, and sometimes that includes mind-blowing, life-changing sex. We’re not saying that it’s impossible to rekindle the flame after the initial spark has gone out (please don’t mind the excessive fire metaphors). But with busy work schedules, families, and general life chaos, it can be hard to keep things as sexy as they were at the beginning of your relationship. As NRE (or new relationship energy) fades, so can the sex—so it’s important to find ways to prioritize your pleasure as a couple and spice it up.
Our number one tip when it comes to bringing back some of the OG heat is variety. In other words, adding something new to your sexual routine breaks up the monotony of the same ol’ thing day in and day out. Here are some sex tips for getting started.
1) Bring in some reinforcement (toys).
If you haven’t introduced sex toys into your bedroom, consider this a sign. There are so many myths associated with sex toys…they can de-sensitize your vulva or they’re purely for solo play. Nope and nope. If sex is ice cream, then toys are like sprinkles—they aren’t necessary for sex, but they do make things a little more fun.
We’re obsessed with the toys from Dame wellness. The Eva from Dame is a wearable, hands-free vibe that’s designed for couple’s play. Simply tuck its flexible wings underneath you or your partner’s labia to add clitoral stimulation to penetrative sex. We’re also big fans of Dame’s Fin, a finger vibe that adds all sorts of delicious buzzy sensations to sexy time. Most vulva-owners need some kind of clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and adding a toy to do just that is a great way to make sex more pleasurable and possibly exciting.
Another great toy is the Gold Vibes from Womaness—it’s discreet and gorgeous but also powerful AF. We suggest bringing it on trips or while on-the-go as it can easily slide into your purse pocket. Going out for dinner? Use the Gold Vibes to tease yourself (or your partner) in the car before going in to eat… And spend the entire night thinking about how much you can’t wait to totally devour one another.
2) Find some shared kinks.
If you and your partner have been together for a while, you might be stuck in the same ol’ “sex routine.” And while it’s totally fine to have go-to positions, bringing something different into the bedroom is one of the best ways to revive your sex life. Meet our Yes, No, Maybe Guide. By filling out a little sexual questionnaire together, you can consider new kinks or reaffirm the things you want to try. Most people find that completing the Yes, No, Maybe Guide gives them a long list of exciting new sexual activities. Give it a try and fill up your calendar with all sorts of exciting sexual adventures, whether that’s roleplay, bathing together, or experimenting in BDSM.
3) Tighten up your pelvic floor.
Your pelvic floor muscle is crucial for solid sexual health, so strengthening it can often lead to a more satisfying sex life. Stronger pelvic floor=stronger orgasms, baby! We recommend practicing your kegels regularly and you can opt for a device that even does your exercise for you. The Yarlap is an award-winning device that uses auto-kegel technology to help work out your pelvic muscles. It’s proven to help with incontinence, and whatever your age, leads to better, more intense orgasms. If you’re bad at remembering to work out (you’re not alone), the Yarlap helps because it literally does your kegels for you. Have fun—the rewards are worth it. Bonus: Sex With Emily readers get $30 off with the code EMILY.
4) Incorporate CBD.
If your sex life feels “meh” because you’re struggling with stress, getting turned on, or experiencing pain during sex, CBD might be a great option to revive your sex life. Whereas other forms of cannabis give you a body and a mental high, CBD works to help ease anxiety and give your body a more calm, “ahhh” feeling. When used as a topical on your genitals, it can help stimulate blood flow, which is a key component in fueling the physical sensations of desire.
We’re obsessed with Foria, which offers an almost magical range of products featuring CBD and made with clean ingredients. Their intimacy line has a stellar lineup of Arousal Oil, Intimacy Suppositories, Sex Oil, and Bath Salts. You can even buy in bundles to combine products for a relaxing (but totally erotic) sexual experience. Spa night=sex night.
5) Increase your stamina.
It’s common for sex, libido, and stamina to all fluctuate with time and age. Specifically, some penis owners might experience premature ejaculation, or not “lasting as long” as they’d like. And while this can often feel like a huge roadblock in your sexual relationship, there are lots of ways to increase your stamina and go for as long as you and your penis desire. Promescent’s “delay spray” is one of those go-to products for a lot of men. It’s a great way to experience all the sensations of sex without finishing before you’re ready.
6) Amp up the dirty talk.
Never underestimate the power of your words—especially when it comes to sex. Lots of people love when their partners get vocal about their pleasure but some may refrain from speaking up because they aren’t sure what to say. The more you practice dirty talk, the easier it becomes. Start by describing how good something feels or letting your partner know how much you love it when ________________ (fill in the blank with sexy act here). Getting into the habit of talking dirty is one of the easiest ways to increase the heat and revive sex life because it’s something you can literally start doing tonight. Try it out! Odds are, your partner will love it.
7) Plan a staycation.
You don’t need to fly to Maui for the best sex of your life—you can do it all in your hometown. Finding a great hotel or Airbnb just to simply get away for a night or two (without really getting away) is such a simple way to prioritize your pleasure and connect on a deeper level with your partner. So often we get stuck in the same work, eat, sleep routine that it takes some effort to break the mold and do something different. Enter a staycation. Pick a spot you two have been meaning to try and have sex in a brand new location.
8) Experiment with roleplay.
You can also add variety to and revive your sex life by pretending to be someone else. Roleplay is hot AF because it gives us the opportunity to see our partner in a new way, experiment with power dynamics, and embody a new energy. Classic scenarios include teacher/student, masseuse/client, CEO/secretary, and bartender/customer, but we won’t limit you. Use your imagination and slip into a sexy alter-ego.
9) Edge your way to stronger orgasms.
For this, it’s all about the antici…pation! Edging can help prolong your sexual experience, as well as make your orgasms stronger to revive your sex life and the spark in your relationship. In order to edge, think of sexual stimulation between a 1–10; 1 being when you’re not aroused, and 10 when you get to the bang of an orgasm. Focus on how close you get to that 10, but don’t reach it entirely. Try to get back to a 3 or 4 and regain control. Once you’ve done this a few times, reaching an orgasm feels way more intense. For more tips on how to edge, check out our Edging Guide—located here.
10) Watch porn together.
Have you ever wondered what type of porn your partner watches? We often think of watching porn as a solo activity, but having your partner join can be an incredibly erotic experience to revive your sex life. Knowing what visually arouses your partner can be beneficial to know what makes your partner tick. You don’t have to be into the same things, and it might even be awkward at first. But once you start to explore (Bellesa Plus has some incredible options) you might find yourselves being turned on by the experience and learning new ways to arouse one another.
11 ) Dial-up your sexual self-care.
We have better sex when we know that we deserve better sex. So if you’re struggling to “get in the mood,” try to find ways to make yourself feel sexually worthy before involving your partner. What this looks like is 100% up to you! We suggest a sexual self-care routine that includes some good ol’ fashion me time.
Consider starting or ending your day with the Daily V Soothe from Womaness; it’s a vaginal moisturizer that you apply directly to your vulva to help with dryness and/or any discomfort. (You moisturize your face so why not your vulva?) You’ll find that nurturing your body can help with overall confidence, and increase your self-worthiness and your desire to get it on.