The Dos and Don’ts of Anal Sex

having anal sex sex with emily

If you’re curious about the dos and don’ts of having anal sex, you’ve come to the right place. Whether you’re looking to try something totally new or simply seeking tips to improve your anal sex, this advice will steer you and your partner in the right direction. After you have thoroughly washed your backdoor and prepared yourself mentally, let’s get to the fun stuff and break down the dos and don’ts of anal.

When having anal sex, DO be chill and understanding.

When you’re havin’ fun in the bum, accidents can happen. Sometimes it’s a surprise toot. Sometimes it’s a little bit more than that. But no matter how many slip-ups you have, you and your partner are still being vulnerable and intimate together. If your partner is the recipient, know that you might be a part of the clean-up crew, and don’t give them a chance to be embarrassed. Reassure each other that everything’s okay and that everything’s chill.

DON’T shame your partner.

Having anal sex is an intimate activity. It takes trust and vulnerability to engage in.  There’s a lot of stigmas and societal pressure around being pleasured anally. Making your partner feel insecure about it will be the end of it, and it’s also just not very nice. Start with some backdoor foreplay, use encouraging language and never shame your partner. Emotional and mental lubrication is just as important as the physical stuff.

DO research your lube.

Now that you know you’re not going in dry, put in a little effort into finding the perfect lube. All lubricants are not created equal, and I would caution you to stay away from your average petroleum jelly or drug store brands. Every person’s body reacts to different products. The key to a healthy and enjoyable anal sex adventure is preparation and experimentation. It’s a silicone-based lube that’s super silky and contains jojoba which relaxes muscles for maximum pleasure.

DON’T have a dry run.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go in dry when you’re having anal sex. I know you’ve probably seen a lot of porn where the person diving in just uses a dribble of spit and then they’re off to the races. Buttholes don’t create their own lubrication like a mouth or a vagina does.  Plus the anal entryway is like a donut of muscle. Just like a cold rubber band, if you pull too hard at first before warming it up, it can snap, crackle or pop. A torn backside is painful. Go slow and start with fingers first, then when you’re ready and lubed up, graduate to bigger things.

DO maximize the p-spot.

And here we are at the reason for the season—the prostate. For all peoples, the nerve endings in the anus are rife for pleasure. There is another step in this pleasure process though, and that is the prostate. Massaging the prostate not only creates more powerful orgasms, but it can also lead to a different and more intense type of pleasure. You might also consider starting with a smaller butt plug, vibrator, or dildo. Or use your finger to digitally stimulate that sweet sweet spot. 

DON’T go too hard.

Once you’re in, do NOT do what you see in porn which is immediately starting to jackhammer. The backdoor has an incredible amount of nerve endings that may be like “what are you doing here??” at first. Go slow. Let your partner get acclimated. If they say stop or go slow, listening to their needs. Respect your partner’s boundaries. Even if you don’t make it all the way to take off, at least you got to walk around the airport for a bit. 

DO communicate and get consent.

Some people love surprises—a birthday, a spontaneous vacation, a new puppy. Not with anal sex.  You want to make sure that you are communicating constantly and that consent is clear on both sides, so don’t surprise your partner with anal. Don’t think that just because you’ve done it before means it’s open season in the backyard. Having anal sex should always be consented upon unless you have discussed that spontaneity beforehand. 

Heed these dos and don’ts and you’ll have a big head start on your way to backdoor pleasure. Always remember that anal play is as much an exercise in trust as it is a sexual adventure and deeper connection—pun intended. 

Lumi Park is a writer, foodie, and Capricorn, from the cornfields of Ohio. He once won a NYC bartending award, a Brooklyn-wide comic book Trivia Bowl, and went to nationals two years in a year for the sport of jump roping. He is oddly not competitive.