How To Be Your Own Daddy Dom

daddy dom blog sex with emily
daddy dom blog sex with emily

Photo by Richard Jaimes on Unsplash

BDSM is certainly trending in pop culture right now, and terms like Dom, sub, babygirl, and Daddy Dom are being tossed around pretty fast and loose.

I’m here to overthrow the idea that you need a partner to enjoy BDSM.

Being single doesn’t have to prevent you from experiencing the joys of having a Daddy Dom.


In fact, today I’m going to teach you how to be your very own Daddy Dom. 


Establishing Your Desires

Some people start a BDSM relationship (Whether partnered or solo) by setting the rules. I feel they are missing a key step for success! First, you must consider, “what is my desired outcome? What am I hoping to achieve?”. Considering this first means the rules you set will be working towards these longer-term goals.

Otherwise, you’re just mindlessly flailing around with a paddle and a ball-gag. Actually, that sounds pretty fun, but the key difference between a Daddy Dom vs a regular Dom is they are more nurturing. So consider, what are you hoping to nurture? Here are the four most common reasons I’ve heard from my clients over the years:

1- I want to be more organized in my life

2- I want to explore my sexuality, for myself

3- I have a specific long term goal I’m working towards

4- I’m a BDSM newbie and want to explore safely at my own pace

Throughout this article, I’ll be using these composite examples and giving specific support for each. No worries if you feel you don’t fit perfectly into one of these. This is your own journey and ultimately you know what’s best for you. These just help guide the way.  



Setting Your Daddy Dom Rules 

Now it’s time to set the rules. This creates the container around your Daddy Dom journey and sets you up to successfully achieve your goals. These rules will be very specific, based on what you’d like to accomplish. They should be SMART goals. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. 

Here are some suggested rules for each of the four previous examples, but come up with your own personalized ones too. 

1- Getting Organised. Every Friday night, I will clean my living space. The last Saturday of every month, I will do my monthly accounting. Meal planning will be done weekly. Every Sunday night, I will make 15 minutes to plan the week ahead. 

2- Exploring my sexuality. Every month, I will buy and read a new book about sexuality. Within every three-month period, I will attend a new class or workshop that sexually interests me. I will create at least 10 minutes a day for self-pleasure. 

3- Specific Long Term Goal. Every Sunday afternoon I will spend 15 minutes setting weekly goals that work towards my long term goal. I will have specific daily, weekly, and monthly tasks that work towards my goal (these would be vary based on the goal). On Friday night’s I will check in with myself and see how well I’m achieving my short term tasks. Once a month I will evaluate my long term progress. 

4- BDSM Newbie. I will join a local club, or online sex-positive group, for support and inspiration, and make sure I interact weekly. I will research and buy or borrow a new BDSM toy or tool to try every month. I will write a list of my BDSM interests, and explore one new one each three-month period.


Do You Catch More Flies with Honey or Vinegar? 

This has all been very nice, but now it’s time for some of the naughty. Because you’re going to be you’re own Daddy Dom, and also your own sub, you’ll need to know what type of sub you are. At this stage, you should assess whether you’re more motivated by rewards or punishments.


Here are the three most ‘common’ types of submissive. Read through and see which one resonates for you. 

-‘Good girl’ subs: Often motivated by praise and encouragement, want to be told they are pleasing their Dom. Will behave correctly if they get treats and compliments. 

‘Bratty’ subs: Bratty subs love to make trouble, and can be quite naughty and cheeky. In order to get them to behave, the threat of punishment needs to be real. Also, they often like punishments, so spanking is usually a ‘fun-ishment’ and isn’t going to work for a ‘real’ punishment. 

-Combo subs: Most subs are actually a combo of these two, in different ratios. If this is you, you will need to incorporate a variety of punishments and rewards into your Daddy Dom plans. 


If It Fits The Crime…

Now that you know your goals as a submissive, as well as your main motivation, you can create your Daddy Dom plan. Using the rules you set for yourself earlier, assign a punishment for not completing the task. The punishments should match the intensity of the task. In other words, if the task is really important to you, it should have a more severe punishment than a less crucial task. For example:

Rule: Every month, I will buy and read a new book about sexuality. 

Importance level: High. 

Punishment: I must donate one of my existing books to a friend or a charity.

It’s extremely important that you’re a good Dom to yourself and follow through with any punishments you’ve earned. Be creative and think of punishments you’d both enjoy and dislike, it’s good to make sure your punishments fit your crimes.

be your own daddy dom blog sex with emily 

Don’t be shy about including some ‘fun-ishments’ for tasks that have lower importance levels. My favorite fun-ishment is forced orgasms with a powerful sex toy like the Magic Wand



I hope you’re not sick of hearing me talk about aftercare in all my BDSM blogs yet. Because it’s really fricken important! After both fun, sexy times with yourself (a scene) and the punishments, you need aftercare. This is a time and space for processing and nurturing. Daddy Doms are very good at aftercare, so don’t skip this step! 

Aftercare will be personalized based on what you find restorative and helpful. Here are some of the activities I recommend: 

-Snuggles with stuffed animals, fuzzy blankets, cozy socks.

-Warm baths or showers.

-Watching a feel-good movie or TV show, or reading a book you enjoy.

-Coloring in, drawing, puzzles, games. 

-Hot cups of herbal tea, chocolate (especially dark chocolate), hearty soups. 



Journaling is a fantastic way to create and maintain an authentic sexual relationship with yourself. Here are my suggested journal prompts for being your own Daddy Dom aftercare, after both scenes and/or punishments:

-What did I learn from that?

-Was there anything I was surprised by?

-What could I do differently next time to improve the experience?

-What were the highlights?

-Where there any aspects I wouldn’t want to include again? 


So there you have it, a starting guide to being your very own Daddy Dom! 


Being your own Daddy Dom can improve your sexual relationship with yourself, help you achieve goals, learn new skills, and provides a means for solo BDSM. It’s also a fantastic way to safely explore how you feel about being both a Dom and a sub, which can be very helpful for future partnered relationships, if you so desire them. 

Happy kinking fellow kinksters!   



Isabella Frappier is an Australian ex-pat living in LA, who swapped gumtrees for palm trees. She’s a writer and a holistic Sexuality Doula, who specializes in body literacy, sexual sovereignty, and BDSM.
She is also a host on the popular new Sex Magic Podcast. When she’s not busy championing her sex positive agenda, she—oh wait—she’s always busy doing that. Follow her adventures on Instagram.
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