We’ve all felt the ache of jealousy creeping into our relationships—but where does it come from and how can you handle it so it doesn’t destroy your relationship? A little bit of jealousy is normal, but when it turns into anger and possessiveness, you have to learn to acknowledge and work with it. Today, I’m explaining how jealousy works, what you can learn from it, and how to deal with the insecurities so it doesn’t corrode your relationships.
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No two sex lives are the same. And no one sex life looks the same at any given point in time. The way we have and experience sex changes constantly over the course of our lives. During puberty it’s almost all you can think about. During times of crisis, it’s probably not very high on your priority list. Sometimes we obsess over it. Sometimes it conflicts us. And sometimes we go for long stretches of time when we don’t do it at all. These sexless spans of time are not so lovingly referred to as “dry spells.” They happen to the best of us.
There are a myriad of reasons that a dry spell might come along in your life. Right now, for instance, we’re in a global pandemic, which presents a pretty obvious roadblock to hooking up on the regular. Many people choose to go through periods of celibacy for spiritual, psychological, or health reasons. For a lot of people, hormonal changes that are brought about by aging affect the libido and other areas of sexual function. One of the most common places for a sexual desert to materialize is in a long-term relationship. It’s a universal joke that marriage and commitment lead to less sex, or no sex at all. Keeping the sexual spark alive in a relationship is the Mount Everest that couples everywhere are constantly trying to summit. An unwanted dry spell is the key ingredient to dissatisfaction and frustration.
But as long as you want it to, every dry spell can come to an end, and when it does, of course you want to be ready. Getting back in the saddle after a sexless stretch can be stressful and nerve-wracking, but it doesn’t have to be! Here are some tips to keep you grounded and get you ready to get back in the groove.
Make sure you’re mentally ready for sex.
Obviously sex is a largely physical activity, but it isn’t all about your body. Whether you’re in it for romance and commitment or not, having sex involves making a mental connection just as much as it does a physical one. When you have sex with someone, you’re putting yourself in a position of vulnerability. You’re inviting someone to see you naked, physically and psychologically. That’s something you need to be ready for.
If you’re having a dry spell in a relationship, chances are there are some underlying issues rolled into the reasons you haven’t had sex. Before you jump back into it, check in with yourself and make sure you aren’t harboring any resentment or insecurity. Those things tend to make sex less fun, and no one wants that!
Don’t expect perfection.
Sex is kind of like riding a bicycle. You won’t forget how to do it. But if it’s been a while in a dry spell, you might not have all the moves in your front pocket that you once did. And that’s okay! Just like it’s not the first time you’ll ever have sex, it won’t be the last time. Take pressure off yourself for the sex to be amazing right off the bat. The idea of “if you don’t use it, you lose it” is a bunch of malarkey. In actuality, it’s more like: “If you pause it, you need a couple rounds before you’re batting 1000 again.” So give yourself a break, let things happen naturally, and enjoy the ride!
Practice on yourself.
Your pleasure is of primary importance when getting back into the sexual swing of things. So to make sure you’ve got the hang of making yourself feel good, amp up your masturbation game! If you can’t make yourself feel good, it’s going to be a lot harder to make someone else feel good. So do yourself a favor and give your body a little extra love. Masturbating is the perfect little oasis you can make for yourself in a dry spell.
If you’re looking for some help in the self pleasure department, try using a new product to supplement your session. Tabu is a great product for a healthy sexual wellness routine made specifically for people going through menopause. Later in life, people who experience menopause often will also go through long periods without sex. Tabu helps bridge the gap between aging and sexual pleasure.
Prime your body for sex.
Would you run a marathon without training? Probably not. The same concept applies to sex. Sure, you could go into it without doing anything to get your body ready, and it would still be good! Sex is kinda like pizza that way. But imagine how much better it would be if you were primed and prepared for it. You can do this in small ways. Do some stretches! Get a little cardio in. If you’re into it, engage in some extra grooming and skincare. Not only will all of this get you in fighting shape for a bedroom romp, but it’ll also probably boost your confidence at the same time.
If you want to go the extra mile, start doing kegel exercises to pump up your pelvic muscles. Strengthening them can lead to better control and more powerful orgasms when you do start having sex again. There are also products like the Yarlap, which does your kegels for you, that can aid you in your journey to rock hard PC muscles.
Talk about it.
The best way to alleviate any mental anguish about getting back into banging is to communicate about it openly with your partner. If it’s a new partner, mentioning that “it’s been a while” is a subtle way to release some pressure to perform.
If you’re in a serious relationship, communication is even more important. A lot of couples get into a routine and almost a state of denial about their sexual relationship. Talk to each other about the fact that you’re having a dry spell. Let each other in on your feelings about it. Moving into new sexual territory is always more successful when you move as a united front.
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Laurie Magers is a comedy writer and actor living in Los Angeles. Her favorite color is red and her favorite food is crab legs. Check out more from her at www.lauriemagers.com.
I’m joined by the hosts of the Unwaxed podcast, Sophia and Sistine Stallone. Find out what really happens on the dating apps, how to spot red flags, and why a bad first kiss doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. I encourage them to make time for masturbation and we discuss if watching porn is considered cheating.
Dear Dr. Emily,
Do you have any tips for lasting longer in bed? I have always had trouble climaxing too soon in the bedroom and would like to last longer. It’s not something that my girlfriend has brought up as a problem for her or anything, but I can’t help wanting to last longer in bed.
Sincerely,
Seeking Sexual Stamina
Today, we’re talking about my second-favorite bedroom activity: sleep. I’m putting on my PJs, setting my phone to ‘Do Not Disturb’, and sitting down with sleep expert Dr. Michael Breus. He tells me how to figure out what kind of sleeper you are, what that says about your sex drive, and how you can take advantage of your body’s natural rhythm to optimize your day.
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An objectively rough year is finally coming to a close. For most of us, a new year means setting new goals and wishes. We go about creating vision boards and to-do lists, putting most of our attention on professional, academic, and financial success. But what about sexual goals and wishes?
The truth is, we need to prioritize our sexual happiness and wellbeing, just as much as every other part of our lives. To help with that, here are 5 intentions you can add to your 2021 vision boards, wish lists, and goal sheets to level up sexually.
Cultivate intimacy.
Whether you’re wanting to be more intimate with a partner or yourself, you have to do it intentionally. It’s important to remember that intimacy does not have to mean physical contact. Intimacy can be having a deep conversation with your partner, preparing their favorite meal just to be nice, washing their hair, or massaging their feet while asking them about their day.
If you are wanting to be more intimate with yourself, try meditating, journaling your thoughts, or having intentional solo sex. Make your next masturbation session nice and slow, giving yourself ample time to bathe in those feelings of yes.
Explore your pleasure.
We are ever-evolving and growing, which means the things we enjoy can and do change as well. Set the intention to explore the different things you enjoy and find pleasurable, both sexually and otherwise. Explore new positions to masturbate in, new forms of stimulation (reading erotica is a really great stimulant as it really lets you use your imagination), and ask your partner to try new things with you. Don’t feel bad if something you used to love no longer does it for you—that’s totally normal, especially as our bodies change over time.
Release expectations.
It’s very common for us to go into sex with expectations. However, aside from the expectation that you’ll enjoy yourself, additional expectations can create a lot of pressure. Set an intention to release expectations, and fully live in your sexual experiences, whatever they might be.
For example, if you walk into all sexual interactions with “I want an orgasm,” or “I am going to have so many orgasms,” then your chances of disappointment increase exponentially. Try to walk into sexual situations purely with an expectation of enjoyment. Enjoy how every touch feels, enjoy how well you and your partner are communicating, enjoy the moment of togetherness, or aloneness, as a moment of release.
Turn yourself on.
If 2020 has taught us anything it was how to get comfortable being alone. Be prepared to keep that amazing energy! Consider setting the intention to turn yourself on, just as much as you are turned on by or turn on others. Dance sexily for yourself in the mirror, take nudes solely for yourself, massage yourself, or talk dirty to yourself.
After all, you are your greatest sexual partner—so why not give into every aspect of you?
Be open and honest.
We live in a society that is built on shame and silencing sexuality and pleasure. It should be everyone’s intention to fight back against that in 2021. This doesn’t mean you have to go out and become the poster child of the sexual/pleasure revolution, but it does mean you should get comfortable talking about sex, intimacy, and everything in between with your partner(s), with your friends, and definitely with your children (if you have them or plan on having them).
Remember: Eliminating shame doesn’t happen overnight. But just taking some baby steps will help you get more comfortable and make big changes in both your life and the lives of others. Consider talking to your partner about something sexual you’re interested in exploring. Talk to your friends about what they are trying in bed. Make it a point to educate your children about their bodily autonomy and consent.
Whether or not you choose to use these exact intentions for 2021, remember that your sexual wellness and pleasure are just as important as your financial, professional, academic, and personal success. We may not be able to control much of the world around us, but we can control the pleasure we experience.
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Javay da BAE is a sex educator, content creator, writer, and comedian. She is also known as the Millennial Sexpert. Her sex education work focuses on comprehension and inclusion while being accessible. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ identities, STIs, pleasure, and kink/BDSM. Visit JavaydaBAE.com to see her work.
You don’t know what you don’t know, especially when it comes to sex. I get so many questions from my listeners in their 20s, so I thought it’d be fun to showcase some of their insightful questions in one podcast, specifically the ones I wish I knew at their age. Anal sex, cheating, miscommunication in the bedroom, pain during sex, moving past shame, advice for starting an open relationship, and so much more all in this episode!
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Welcome to 2021, everyone! I’m sure many of you are taking the time to set intentions, resolutions, and goals for the year ahead. And while that’s amazing, I’m here to encourage you to consider setting sexual intentions, or goals that are focused on prioritizing pleasure and intimacy. And to help you get started, we’ve created the Sex With Emily Pleasure Planner.
This planner is a step-by-step guide designed to help you be more intentional about creating a pleasure-filled year. Do you want to have more orgasms? Are there fantasies that you want to explore with your partner? Maybe you simply want to enhance intimacy and pleasure in all areas of your life. In any case, the Sex With Emily Pleasure Planner will help you gain clarity on your sexual needs and desires and set actionable steps to obtain these goals for the year ahead.
Do it solo to develop a deeper connection with yourself or try it with your partner to learn more about one another’s needs and desires. In any case, you’ll walk away with a pleasure-filled action plan to make 2021 your sexiest year yet.
Download the Sex With Emily Pleasure Planner
After all, when you fail to plan, you plan to fail. (I’ve definitely been there…) Having a plan in place for your sexual pleasure can make it so much easier for you to start incorporating better sex, more intimacy, and stronger communication in all facets of your life.
And remember: I’m here to help guide you along the way. You can ask me anything. I love hearing from you, so send me your thoughts at feedback@sexwithemily.com. I’m always here for you. Let’s get it on!
There’s no such thing as an “easy life” which is why it’s SO important to develop the right tools to help you handle everyday chaos. Today, I’m talking with Tal Rabinowitz who’s helping people around the world learn to find calm in their daily commotion with her company The DEN Meditation.
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Not all resolutions revolve around losing weight or reaching a career goal. January can bring about fresh starts in various areas of your life. And this new year, why not take the opportunity to explore new ways to pleasure yourself with some innovative (and highly pleasurable) masturbation techniques?
Whether you’ve been masturbating for years, or are new to the game of physical self-love, there’s always room for improvement. Here are some of our favorite game-changers to celebrate a brand new year of pleasure.
Change positions.
The go-to masturbatory position is to lay on your back in bed. It’s convenient, easy, and comfortable. But when it comes to coming on command, angles are everything. Trying different positions just like you would during partnered sex, leads to different experiences and orgasms.
Try sitting up on the edge of your bed, throw your legs in the air, or even get on your hands and knees. Something as simple as flipping over onto your stomach can change your masturbatory experience in ways you never would have expected. Plus it makes you work a little harder for that orgasm at the end of the tunnel.
Incorporate your butt.
The obvious stars of any masturbation session are your genitals. But this year, why not work on stimulating other nearby erogenous zones while you’re at it? The anus is packed with nerve-endings, and if you let them, they can take your solo-love experience to a deeper level.
While touching yourself, let your fingers wander a touch more Southward than usual. Test the waters and tease your butthole a bit at first. If you’re feeling adventurous, graduate to single finger penetration. If you’ve got a prostate, anal penetration can stimulate the “P-spot” and culminate in an orgasm for the ages.
Masturbate after a workout or meditating.
Masturbation isn’t just a physical activity—it’s a mindset. And so one of our favorite masturbation techniques is actually the work you do before you masturbate.
If you’re in a bad, lazy, or sullen mood, your orgasm will almost certainly reflect that. Exercising floods the body with endorphins, chemicals that leave you with a positive and euphoric feeling. If you’re more into the mental workout, try 5 to 20 minutes of meditation to help soften the mind and rid the body of any lingering anxieties. Capitalize on that natural high or clear headspace and ride it straight through to your climax.
Masturbate in the mirror.
Even though masturbation mostly happens alone, that doesn’t mean it isn’t an act of intimacy. Self-pleasure is all about knowing your body being intimate with yourself. Level up the self-connection factor by positioning yourself in front of a mirror before you do the deed. Watch the way your face and body react when you touch yourself in different ways. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but remember to look at yourself lovingly and with admiration. This technique is great for boosting self-confidence and you might even learn a thing or two about how you like to be pleasured.
Talk to yourself.
Keeping in the theme of self-connection, try engaging in some dirty talk with yourself while you masturbate. Visualizing and vocalizing your pleasure can accentuate your sensual feelings and reactions. If something feels good, say it out loud! If you’re into it, go ahead call yourself a sexy name. Using your voice is a great way to liven up your solo sex life.
Use the other parts of your hand.
When we’re not using toys to get the job done, the tips of our fingers usually do the heavy lifting when it comes to self-induced orgasms. But there is so much real estate on your hand that doesn’t have to sit idly by during masturbation. Using the smooth surface of the back of your hand on the shaft of your penis or a gentle knuckle above the clitoris is an easy way to mix things up. And of course, you can always use your non-dominant hand for a bit of a challenge.
Don’t look.
Sensory deprivation is a fun way to bring a hint of mystery into the bedroom whether you’re having sex with or without a partner. You’d be surprised how much a blindfold can change the way you feel things, even if you’re the one doing all the touching. This technique is great for slow, sensual masturbation sessions. With a blindfold on, trace your hands over your nipples, down your sides, and across the insides of your thighs. It also helps to eliminate possible distractions and focus your concentration on your sense of touch.
As you embark on this new year, remember not to put self-love on the backburner. Self-improvement isn’t about punishing or changing yourself. It’s about enhancing your experiences, and masturbation is no exception.
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Laurie Magers is a comedy writer and actor living in Los Angeles. Her favorite color is red and her favorite food is crab legs. Check out more from her at www.lauriemagers.com.
