Orgasms

Dear Emily,

I can only orgasm if my mind is completely engaged in some kind of elaborate fantasy situation. I have to imagine an over-the-top kind of sexy situation, even if I am totally into the guy I am with. I feel bad because I’m not entirely present in the moment and if he knew my mind was elsewhere he would probably feel bad too! Is this a common problem? Do you have any ideas of how to orgasm without mental stimulation?
Thank you!
Catherine,  Ohio

Dear Catherine,


Well here’s the good news: People who have more sexual fantasies are more likely to be sexually satisfied and even have more sex. So I feel like I should give you a medal, and you thought there was a problem? The truth is, fantasy is healthy. It’s a common myth that only unsatisfied people engage in fantasy but the opposite is true– people with a healthy fantasy life, research shows, are more sexually satisfied than their non-fantasizing counterparts. Just because you fantasize doesn’t mean you’re unhappy with your man. It could simply mean you need that extra ‘oomph’ to bring you over the top. I do hear you saying these fantasies are getting in the way of you enjoying sex with your partner, largely attributed to your personal guilt. If this is the case, then you could try talking to your partner about fantasies and see if he’ll share his own. There might be some communication work to be done around your feelings and the difference between fantasy and reality. If, on the other hand, you’re still happy with the level of intimacy and connection, and the kind of sex you’re having, you could choose not to see these fantasies as a problem, but rather as an enhancement to a rocking sex life.