Talk Dirty To Me
Along with sexting, I find that dirty talk in the bedroom is something so many people struggle with, but also desire.
I have a coaching client whose husband really loves it when she talks dirty, but she just feels so intimidated by it that she rarely lets it fly.
Some people love it, others want to do it but are intimidated.
Here are my top five dirty talk tips for anyone wanting to feel authentic while they talk dirty, and find their own inner dirty talk voice.
1- Know your own dirty mind
What one person thinks is “dirty” is different than another. In other words, not all dirty is equal. I am super kinky, so I don’t consider, say, talking about anal play particularly “dirty.” For some, it might be really taboo.
The touchstone here should be what reallllly gets your blood going. “Dirty” has a sense of mystery, animal-ness, primal-ness, and the forbidden. So, play with those themes in your head first and figure out what really floats your boat. Use imagery, all your senses, and playful imagination to create scenarios.
Most people who are shy about dirty talk are just worried they don’t know what to say. The easiest way to get out of that hesitancy is to start practicing. An easy way to practice is to start by focusing on the other person and using compliments (ie, “I love your pussy so much”). Once you get into the habit of describing things, the words will flow.
2- Find your dirty talk “muse”
What kind of dirty thoughts come up for you? It is one thing to think them and another to share them. Some people feel silly sharing their deepest darkest dirtiest thoughts. You need to trust the person you are talking to, in order to actually receive and give positive feedback.
If you are shy, think about things someone may have said to you that were welcomed by you and turned you on. Use them as your muse and model their behavior. I had a play partner who liked to talk a lot during sex and it was super dirty. I learned from him how to go with the flow. By listening to how he described (1) what was happening, (2) what he wanted to happen next and (3) how he felt about the particular sex acts, I learned that I could easily do the same. This dirty talk pattern turned me on and my future partners as well.
3- Stay Authentic While Talking Dirty
Dirty talking is NOT a script. It comes from inside of you. Don’t force it or pre-plan it. This is adult play, which means it is improvisational and fun! You have your own brand of dirty talk. Let it be weird and messy and imperfect! Let go of the inner critic or editor. Don’t try to control what comes out of you in the moment…that’s the real magic.
I recently had a BDSM play session with a submissive who had previously told me stories of past sexual experiences he had, group sex in particular. During the session, I made him close his eyes while stroking himself and instinctively I started dirty talk using a variation on one of his stories. It really turned both of us on. The words just flowed because I just described what I saw in my head.
This ties into tip number 1 – really experiment and get to know what turns you on…that is part of you being you. It is authentic to YOU!
Tying into tip number 2 – If you have chosen your partner well, TRUST and stop being worried about how your dirty talk will be received. If you get outside of their comfort zone, they will tell you and you can adjust.
4- If you can text it, you can speak it
Some people are good at sexting, but when it comes time to vocalize, they get shy. In this digital day and age, we are so used to communicating via text or social media. Our voice is being used less and less. But our voice and our throat chakra are tied to our genitals, especially for women. We are one of the few female mammals who make sounds during sex. So, just remember that using your voice in the bedroom is natural.
If you have a hard time starting to use your voice, try just making sounds first. I like to use “Mmmmm….[then insert how your partner is making you feel or compliment them on their body and how they are using it].” Use expletives like “Oh, f*ck! [insert statement about how this dirty idea or activity excites you]” or even “wow, you make me so horny, I want to [fill in the blank with something sexy and naughty].”
Vary the tone of your voice. Slow down your speech. Take your time. Play around with whispers, deeper tones, and even higher pitched sounds when you get more excited. Deep breathing is key here. Try using a Marilyn Monroe breathy tone (works great for any gender).
5- Master the “volley”
For dirty talk, it takes two to tango. If you dirty talk with your partner and they are in an off mood and don’t reciprocate, that is ok. You took the risk and if you can stay in the moment and trust that the right moment will come again, you will have built that trust muscle.
To use a volleyball analogy, if you voice some dirty talk to your partner and they “volley” the ball back to you by responding with a receptive, positive tone and some dirty talk back, the game is ON! Keep the volley going by, again, staying in the moment and responding instinctively.
Use the cardinal rule of improv to keep the volley going: the “yes, and…” rule. This rule means that you never negate or dis an incoming dirty talk idea whether it will be acted on or not. For example, if I whispered to my partner while he is working at his home office computer, “I want to climb under your desk right now and blow you until your eyes roll back into your head,” and he responds “You are so hot, that makes me so hard. I am going to finish this in 5 minutes and carry you to the bedroom…”
This is an example of “yes, and…” He pivoted to get what he needed (finish his work), but he gave me a “yes” in the form of accepting my dirty talk by telling me he got excited by my idea.
Ultimately, talking dirty is fun and is a huge part of the lead up (foreplay), the sex play itself, and the sex aftermath (don’t forget to reminisce about what you just did! That is dirty talk, too!).
It just takes some courage to let your dirty talk out. I double dog dare you to whisper some hot, naughty, dirty talk to someone special right now!
Emily Anne is a bestselling author, sex coach and educator, who specializes in helping people expand their sexual horizons through BDSM and kink. When she’s not obsessively talking about sex, she’s hiking through the Hollywood Hills. Get some sexy education on her Instagram feed!