Anytime I suggest scheduled sex on the podcast, I know there’s at least one person out there rolling their eyes.
Putting sex on the calendar is one of the best ways to create ritual around intimacy. And yet people often push back, saying: “doesn’t that take away all the spontaneity?”
We’ve been taught that sexual desire is only hot when it’s spontaneous. But spontaneous desire is only one type of sexual desire, and furthermore, planned sex is not bad sex. We don’t think of planned hookups (via an app) as lame or boring. Why do we feel that way about planned hookups inside a committed partnership?
The keys to making scheduled sex sexy are anticipation and intention. Here are 5 ways to increase both.
Send a cal invite and start imagining
When we schedule sex, we give our partners (and ourselves) something to look forward to.
So after you send them a cal invite (with appropriately suggestive emojis), start daydreaming. What will you wear for it? Will there be a date involved? Would you like to test drive a new toy together?
The idea is to start stoking your erotic imagination. Because sex isn’t just a physical act – it’s build-up, it’s self-care, it’s fantasy. So go there.
Trade visuals
Leading up to the sex itself, send a sext or two. (If you need some pointers, I’ve got a sexting guide right here.) But if you’re feeling especially bold: unleash the nudes!
There’s an art to sending sexy pics. And I get it if you’re nervous about jumping right in. The good news is, you don’t have to: it’s arguably hotter to send pics that leave something to the imagination. You can even turn it into a game and Dom with your text messages, sending each other progressively more revealing pics as the heat builds.
Start a sex playlist
One of the Sex IQ pillars I discuss in Smart Sex is collaboration. Do it literally by starting a lusty Spotify playlist, then share with your partner so they can add onto it.
Each of you can contribute little by little, creating a sex soundtrack to enjoy later on. Play the evolving (soul / shoegaze / triphop) playlist while running errands, and imagine yourself in the moment as you listen.
Get creative with toys
Did you know there are whisper-quiet sex sex toys you can wear in public? It’s true.
There’s something naughty-feeling about wearing a panty vibe (this one from Ohmibod is my current favorite). But it’s even more fun to let your partner control it. Ohmibod’s Foxy is nice because it’s app-controlled, meaning partner’s can tease each other from across the room or across the world. So leading up to scheduled sex, this is one way to get the foreplay going. It feels conspiratorial, like a hot secret only you two know about.
Build-in some transition time
It’s normal to schedule sex, and it’s also normal to schedule buffer-time before it.
If you’ve been in work or parenting mode all day long, your brain might still be buzzing from must-do tasks. Send that email…return that text…pick the child up from school. So I recommend taking some time before sex to simply do you, and connect with your body. Whether that’s a run, a yoga class, meditation – anything that helps you decompress. We’re still animals, and before sex especially, it helps to get out of our heads and into our animal-like physicality. Plus, you’ll probably release some endorphins! Feel-good chemicals that will fuel the sex itself.
Do you schedule sex? How do you make the process sexy? Come find me on Instagram @sexwithemily and let’s talk about it.
Want more? Sign up for my newsletter and get sex secrets on the regular.
